The Redhead's Impulses

Simple Joys in Life

2009-11-15T21:59:00.003-05:00

Simple joy in the little things make life so worthwhile....

TPJ--- who tells me that my ranting isn't scary---- it's sad. The only thing that's scary is when I throw shoes at the shoe basket and miss because my aim stinks.

TPJ--- bringing me a fruit roll up when I'm mowing the lawn on the riding mower.

Starbuck saying, "I too short" when she is asked to pray.

Starbuck dancing to The Cure.

Aaron leaving me love notes on the bathroom mirror.

Aaron putting the vacuum cleaner away without any prompting.

Aaron brushing Starbuck's teeth so I don't have to fight with her just before bedtime.

Friends calling just to chat because they like chatting with me!

Simple joys. Exquisite life.

I could....

2009-11-03T11:29:00.003-05:00

I could vacuum the upstairs and then steam clean the carpets.

I could mop my floors.

I could fold laundry.

I could leaf blow leaves.

I could build legos with the kiddos.

I could take a short nap.

I could fix my ultra cute short hair.

I could watch CSI re runs.

I could sort through Starbuck's clothing.

But. I don't know what I want to do!!!

So. I think I'll say, check out the song, "Heaven is the Face," by Steven Curtis Chapman. A friend told me about it on Monday--- they played it at church on Sunday, and she bawled, thinking about me and our Henry. Aaron and I listened to it last night. We both cried.

But let me tell you about TPJ--- the first time I was listening to the song, TPJ was coming downstairs to tell me that there was something wrong with his bed (it was bedtime). He saw me crying and put his arms around me. He asked, "Are those tears of joy, or sad tears?" I told him that they were a little bit of both. I told him the background of the song, how SCC had written it because of his little girl that was accidentally killed, and because he missed her. TPJ said, "Like you miss Henry?" And I said yes. He then climbed in my lap-- even though he's only about 11 inches shorter than I am at this point, and hugged my neck. He whispered, "It's ok, Mommy. Henry and Grandpa are there together, and someday we will be too."

I love my son. He let me hold him and rock him and cuddle him until my tears were gone.

The Shack...

2009-11-01T21:09:00.002-05:00

I like sharing books that have made a difference in my life views, and The Shack, by William P. Young, is one such book.

I have always known God, it seems. I was raised in a Christian home, went to church, studied my Bible, did all the right things, you know? I've wandered away from the path of my spiritual walk, come back to it, wandered back, and so on and so forth, through most of my life. I've always known that God provides us with grace, that we are saved by grace.

I have always thought that I've had a decent relationship with God, but somehow, it's never been as deep as I would like it to be. I have tried getting up every morning to spend time in prayer, in study, in mediation. I have tried following all the "rules," to a better spiritual life--- you know the ones I mean-- start each day in prayer, go to church, do a Bible Study, blah blah blah. I've tried praying the prayer of Jabez, praying the Lord's Prayer, and a bunch of other stuff.

But have I ever really had an honest relationship with God? Of course I have-- I don't doubt my salvation or my belief in God. However, this book caused me to examine the depth of my relationship with God, my images of God, my expectations of God.

There are at least three things that I'm holding in my heart right now, pondering them.

1. We were created to be loved and to give love. To live as if we are unloved is to live out of the natural order of how God created us.

2. God will take a verb over a noun, anytime. God is a verb. He is alive, dynamic, ever active, and moving. He is a being verb. We associate our spiritual walk with verbs-- confessing, repenting, loving, living, growing, sowing, reaping, dancing, rejoicing. "Humans have a knack for taking a verb that is alive and full of grace and turning it into a dead noun or principle that reeks of rules: something growing and alive dies. Nouns exist because there is a created universe and physical reality, but if the universe is only a mass of nouns, it is dead. Unless 'I am' (God) there are no verbs, and verbs are what make the universe alive. ...For something to move from death to life, you must introduce something living and moving into the mix. TO move from something that is only a noun to something dynamic and unpredictable, to something living and present tense, is to move from law to grace." (The Shack, William P. Young)

3. Emotions are neither good nor bad; they just exist. "Paradigms power perception and perceptions power emotions." Our emotions are a response to our perceptions. Therefore, we cannot trust our emotions if our perceptions are skewed, if our very beliefs are false. Because our beliefs, our paradigms, influence our perceptions.

Anyhow. My laptop is missing the H and the 8 keys. Other keys are sticky. Popsicles and laptops don't mix well. :)

So, I'm retiring for the night. Lots to think and pray about.

So much, so much

2009-10-31T22:43:00.003-05:00

My hair is CHOPPED!!!! Yay!!! For most women, a significant hair change signals a life change as well. I'l like to think that is the case with me! I'm plunging headfirst into my love relationship with God! I'm tired of just sticking my toes into this water--- I'm ready to experience being loved by the Almighty in a real way-- and to love Him in a real way too!

God created us to be loved, and to love! I love that! You can't be unloved--- your Creator loves you, He knows you by name! I am just humbled and awed by this thought!

Sigh. Ok. I don't want to preach in a way that would turn others from Christ--- but seriously--- we are so loved and treasured and cherished by our Creator!!!

Anyhow. Trick or treating tonight. For the third year in a row, I enjoyed hanging with my friend, passing out candy, while our wonderful husbands took the kiddos trick or treating. I love it when I get girl time, with a friend that I don't get to see very often. Life happens so quickly, doesn't it?

Fall seems like it might be here to stay. I'm happy about this, even though it means that I'm shivering right now! :)

Hmmm.... what else? Oh yes-- my husband is quite a great man! He knows how much it has bothered me to have the woodpile just stacked inside the house, with wood just THERE. So his dad made us a woodbox, per Aaron's request. Aaron just finished painting it, and the wood will now go in the woodbox!!! YAY!!!

I've had my hallway taped in preparation for painting it for about a month now. I might get around to doing that soon. Really.

Job situations are interesting around here. Mine is stable and good. Aaron, on the other hand, could use some prayer about direction and where God would have him in the next few months!

Ok. Done rambling. Here's my new hair!!!

Leaving Egypt behind

2009-10-13T00:46:00.001-05:00

Published this on FB too....

So I'm sleepless tonight. Sleep for a few, awake for a bit more. Ugh. Classic depression. Fabuuuu!

Our pastor had a sermon on Sunday about leaving Egypt behind. In the Bible, the Israelites are FINALLY able to leave the slavery of Egypt and go to the desert, to travel to the promised land. But because they doubt, because every time things get hard, they look back to Egypt and say, "We shoulda stayed there!" they wander for many years. They had been set free from SLAVERY! They had been given FREEDOM! Yet when things were hard, they wanted to be back in their bondage, because it felt safe.

I wish I could say, "Idiots." But I can't. Because how many times have I wished to be back in my bondage, back in my comfortable sin, because at least I KNEW the sin and the mindset that came with it? Letting go of the bondage is a scary thing. It means trusting, serving, being FREE.

I have to remember, when I get scared, that God truly loves me. He loves me in the way that 1 Corinthians talks about love: " Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

My God is patient with my sin. He is kind to me. He is not easily angered, he does not keep a record of my wrongs. He always protects, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres. He never fails me. And when I think about stepping backwards, looking back to my Egypt, I have to remember these things. He will fulfill my needs in a way that my sin never can. He will provide comfort and security for me in a way that my sin never can. He will set me free to serve, instead of being bound by lies.

There's a song that some very talented young men at our church wrote a few years ago. I sing that song in my head---Mark and Phil, you really need to record this song.

"Lord I need some peace of mind, I've dropped down to my knees. In this crazy world, I need to unwind... I need your love, I need you grace, I need your strength for me, to get me through these times that I thought I would never see. I cry out to you, on these bended knees, saving grace and your love, that's all I ever really need...."

I am gonna try not to look back to Egypt. I'm gonna attempt to stay free, with His help.

Eleven is Steel....

2009-09-26T16:18:00.002-05:00

So we made it through eleven years of marriage so far! It seems odd to me. I have now spent about a third of my life with the same person. He hasn't killed me and I haven't driven him insane. Pretty good, doncha think?

Wanna know what he gave me for our anniversary? Let me just say that it tops last years present, which was an amazing present, perfect even! This one--- even better.

Have you seen the movie, "UP," --- you know, with Dug? (Look, a squirrel!!) Well. The beginning of that movie gave my marriage a new life. There's a wonderful montage in the beginning. It goes through Carl and Ellie's life, including some heartbreaking disappointments. They are always saving up for their big adventure, but unfortunately, it never happens--- because life does. Ellie passes away before they can realize their greatest dream together, and Carl is bereft without her. He doesn't realize until later, that the greatest adventure was their life together---including the bumps, the heartbreaks, and the good times.

That montage made me realize at a very crucial time, that I wasn't ready to give up on my adventure quite yet either. I was at a hard spot. Not wanting to stay with Aaron if things didn't change, and I was sure they wouldn't ever change. So did I jump ship or try to bail water? Ugh. After seeing that movie twice in one week, I decided to bail water. We both did. And we've dumped quite a bit of the dirty and unnecessary water out of the boat that is our marriage.

So--- ready to know what he got me? An adventure fund jar, a scrapbook, and a travel guide.

And if you're wondering-- the traditional gift for the 11th anniversary is steel. I think the jar lid is steel. LOL

So Aaron, here's to a few more adventures together!

Just a bit of nostalgia....

2009-09-07T15:38:00.004-05:00

I've found a new author that I really like--- Cathy Pickens. She writes funny mysteries set in the mountains of South Carolina. Two reasons right there why I like her! :) The mountains of SC are a part of the Appalachian mountains, just like the mountains in my hometown. I read about her characters and I am brought back home for just a short time. It's good.

Another reason why I like her books so much are because of the relationship that Avery, the main character, had with her late grandfather. Though her grandfather is dead, she still has her memories and love for him in her heart. Reminds me so much of my grandpa. I had to stop reading today when Avery mixed some peanuts in with her bottle of Coke. I can't tell you how many times I'd seen my grandpa do that. And right now, I'm craving it.... :)

I miss Grandpa so strongly today, and I think I have for a few weeks. It's hard to describe. My missing changed last year. At some point last year, I was able to stop aching in such a deep way whenever Gpa came to my heart and mind. My memories were finally a place of deep joy and happiness, instead of sorrow and anger. Not that I hadn't accepted Gpa's death and moved forward before last year--- but in moving forward, I'd had to put the pictures of his last days in my mental box. Now I can take that mental box down and appreciate the man that he was, even in the last painful weeks of his life. But there are still some things, like peanuts and Coke, or hearing a voice that has the same tone as his, that causes me to ache intensely. But I guess that's good, right?

Henry R. Hall, I miss you.

Having Fun!!!

2009-06-13T17:12:00.003-05:00

Caroline, Aaron, and I went out last night to listen to Mike sing in his new group!! FUN! Was had by all! LOL!!!

Got the summer hair cut! Check it out!

Thanks.....

2009-06-09T21:56:00.003-05:00

Elaine S. for offering me a home.
Elaine C. for being my shoulder, even though I don't use her as often as I could have.
Mimi for accepting me no matter what.
Amber for always reaching out.
Heidi for straight talking me when I need it.
Melissa P. for always always listening and offering booze.
Hilary for friendship and support.
Toni for offering me her ears.
Auntie Mel for daily prayers and books.
Mindy Mae for long emails and texts to reassure me.
Jenni for books, popcorn, and innate understanding of me.
April for warmth, compassion, prayer, and tears.
Jon for honesty and care.
Mom for being available even when she's asleep.
Heather for praying and supporting in love.
Emily for being truthful with me even when it made me cry harder.
Taggart for friendship, love, and God talk.
Wendy for loving me, listening to me, and checking to make sure I was there every day.
Gina for taking care of me.
Mena for listening, for advising, for caring.
Carla for cards and laughter.
Sarah for hugs, honesty, and friendship.
Amy for commiserating.
Jenny for texting me always when I seemed to need it the most, with her encouragement.
Theresa for letting me vent to her. Repeatedly.
Michelle for offering help and love and support.

Those that I thanked, they know what's happening... everyone else, suffice it to say that I hope and pray that if you ever hit rock bottom, if you ever think that your situation is unbearable, I hope and pray that you have a network, a support system that will love you, respect you, nourish you, and care for you as mine has and does. I also hope and pray that I can be to these people (and whomever God places in my life) what they have and continue to be to me.

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know where I'll be a year from now. I know that I'll be trying to be obedient to God, no matter where I am, what I'm doing, or what color my hair is :) lol. I do know that THESE friends, these people, will still be a part of my heart, my life, my very being. And for that, I'm blessed--- over and over and over and over and over and over again.

Wanting to Write

2009-06-08T22:01:00.002-05:00

Just wanting to write here.

Starbuck is a HAM. The child. Oh the child. Ever since she got her ear tubes back in March, she's been talking up a STORM. She had a hearing loss, and the tubes have helped to reverse that. She's quite the mouthy one, as a result. Her favorite phrase? "No WAY, Momma!" Ooooo, guess how that burns me up? :) She discovered that she likes swimming. Lots. Refused to take a nap the other day because she was anxious for Daddy to set up the new swimming pool. ""My POOOOOOOOl" is what she kept screaming. For 20 minutes. Seriously.

And TPJ? When did he grow so much? He lost a top front tooth on Friday. He looks like a KID. A kid. He's got those freckles across his nose, his daddy's eyes, and his mama's knack of muttering under his breath. "I'll go to bed when I want to go to bed," he says as he's being threatened with an early bed time. But he's amazing, despite his almost 7 year old attitude. ACK! He's almost 7!!!!!!!!!

And I'm starting summer school. Teaching, not learning. Though that's one of my goals, to get my paperwork done so that I can go ahead and finish that Master's Degree. :):) I love summer school, and am looking forward to hanging out with my students in a more relaxed atmosphere.

Ok.
Off to bed.

Giving it my all

2009-06-07T14:26:00.003-05:00

So yeah. Giving it my all.... takes more than I've ever given.

I don't think I've ever given anyone my everything. I think I've tried. But I don't think I've ever succeeded. I think I've always held a part of me back, thinking that I needed to hold on to a little bit of me. That especially pertains to my relationship with God. Wow--- there's a complex issue.

I've always thought that I've given God all of me. But the more I explore my heart, the more I realize that there are bits that I've always held back from him. You might give me excuses and say, "Oh, well, you're human, we all hold on to something." Something along those lines to make me feel better. But those words don't make me feel better. I have been asked by the Father to give Him all of me. And for so long, I've chosen to give Him only the parts I felt I could give Him. Talk about arrogance. As if God didn't create my heart. As if God didn't create me. As if.....

I'm embarking on a new adventure. I'm going to try to take it day by day to trust God with all of me. I think that will mean making myself more vulnerable than I've ever been, and have mercy, that scares the tar out of me. I like being in control. I like having my order in my head, in my heart. I like the compartments in my heart that keep things under control. I think I've always been afraid that if I give all of me to God, he's gonna want to open all of my boxes and toss out some things and shake some things out.... oh my. Can I really handle that? Well, I guess that's part of my adventure, right? Let's see what happens.

A friend of mine did 40 days---- she embarked on her own God seeking adventure for 40 days. I attempted 21 and made it 5 days.... lol.... so I'm not going to put a time limit on the adventure. I think I'm going to see how long it goes--- hopefully a lifetime....

Sigh

2009-06-06T21:01:00.002-05:00

Love. Respect. The love she needs, the respect he deserves.....

It's an awesome book, really. I wish it weren't so awesome, in some ways.

Things have been rough in my marriage for some time--- all marriages go through it, I know. But this book, well, it puts things in a different perspective, and darn it all, my pride really hates that.

Anyhow. I like my new profile pic. This was a dress that my gma wore back in 1959. Awesome, eh? And the hat came from a beautifully wonderful friend. Too perfect, I think.

Ok. Off to surf Craigslist.org. I love the missed connections. Seriously. :)

Oh God, I cry out....

2009-06-03T21:27:00.002-05:00

My spirit is so heavy tonight. I've made so many wrong choices in the past year, so many just recently. My spirit is grieved.

I started to make amends with God, started trying to do the RIGHT thing... then got scared and lonely and sidetracked again... Oh God, Oh God, I need you.

It is so hard to do the right thing, it's so hard to know that you're forgiven sometimes. Because even though God forgives you, and have mercy--- other humans forgive you---- it's so hard to forgive yourself.

I want so much to make the choices that are pleasing to my God. I want so much to glorify him. I really really do. Why do I find it so hard to do so??? The spirit is willing, but the flesh, oh God, the flesh is soooo weak.

I'm so heavy tonight.

Exhaustion begins

2009-02-28T14:41:00.002-05:00

So I'm now working two jobs. And the funny thing is, I love them both. I so enjoy teaching! And--- I'm serving at Max and Erma's. The money is decent, and I'm good at what I do. I get the job done, I get adult interaction. I'm happy when I'm there.

Here's the downside. I'm working 15 hour days about two days a week. I work weekends. I'm really tired. I think exhaustion is starting to set in.

Thank goodness Aaron has really stepped up. He's surprised me, if you want to to know the truth. The dishes are mostly done, the kids are fed and bathed.... the house isn't up to my standards of clean, but there aren't many people who can keep up with those, including myself. It's all good.

If you want to check in with me, text me! That's about the easiest way. I don't have time to sit at the computer much anymore. So blogging and email are hard for me at the moment. Hopefully this schedule won't be a long term one.... :)

Until then, come visit me at M&E's. I'll give you great service, and offer you the best chocolate chip cookies you've ever had! :) It's all I can do not to eat a few every night. :)

Whoops

2009-02-02T01:26:00.004-05:00

Time flies, and it's almost 1:30 am. I've got so much inside me to say, but just not enough energy. I just finished writing Henry's birthday letter. I'm emotionally done right now and I'd like to cry, but I think that might upset the dogs that are hanging out with me, and goodness knows, I can't do that! :):)

So check out my healing moment s, and then check back here later this week--- I really haven't dropped off the face of the earth.... the earth is just spinning so fast I don't have time to stop just yet.

Time after Time

2008-12-14T20:33:00.003-05:00

Time passes so quickly, and there are always amusing things in my life to blog about. But today, I'd like to take a moment to write a book review.

The Doctor's Wife, by Elizabeth Brundage, is one of the most excellent books I have ever read. I picked it up at a book sale simply because the cover intrigued me. The cover had a house on it that looked forlorn, ramshackle, and isolated. I think I was in one of "those" moods when I picked it up. I anticipated a light read, with a bit of seriousness here and there.

What I got was an intensely written psychological thriller. A love story, a tragedy, a murder mystery, a twist of the plot here, and an unexpected ending there. A social commentary throughout the whole book that was subtly written. It wasn't a commentary that I necessarily agreed with, but I appreciated how it was written and what it had to say. Extremeism, fanaticism, they are as dangerous as apathy.

I don't want to tell you everything about the book. But trust me when I say that the characters are excellently written, the plot is divine, the ending is both unexpected and heartaching at the same time--- or it could be comforting and expected, depending on the reader's background.

Pick it up. A good book. A good read. A good thought provoking book without being preachy.

On a scary note. We lost Starbuck for a good two minutes today. We were coming into the house from the car. Aaron sent her with me. She was way behind me. I went in and put stuff down then went out to help Starbuck. Only she wasn't there. I asked Aaron if she was back in the car, where he was helping TPJ look for parts to a toy. She wasn't. I looked in the house. She wasn't there. It was dark outside. I went outside and started panicking. Calling her name. TPJ was helping, so was Aaron. And there she was, at the neighbors, wandering into their garage. I ran over and picked her up, my heart beating three thousand miles a minute. THe neighbor poked his head out, saying he saw her peeking in his windows. It was scary.

Needless to say, I held her tightly for a while.

Over and out, readers.

OH!! Murray, can you email me your's and Jamie's cell numbers again? I changed phones.

My newest modification

2008-11-28T22:27:00.003-05:00

I love Thanksgiving. I really do. I think I like it more than Christmas, in many ways. Less focus on getting and more on giving. I know that is the opposite of how it is supposed to be, but that's how our society has it. ..... anyhow, off of my soapbox.

So my fantabulouslywonderfulistic sister in law, Apy, and I went to get tattoos. Yep. We got em. Apy got one that says Qui Docet Dicit--- Who Teaches, Learns/Speaks.

Ready for a picture of mine?Infinity. Grace. Salvation. Infinite Grace. Infinite Salvation. It says it all.

I Love....

2008-11-24T22:11:00.002-05:00

memories that come to you and comfort you.
fireplaces that radiate heat.
books that allow for escape.

Tonight, I was sitting in front of our wonderful new fireplace insert--- we got it in, it works, I love it--- with a book and was thinking about how when I was a younger, there would not be a lot to do on cold winter evenings at home. So I would sprawl out in front of the fire with a book and lose myself in the story and bask in the heat. Good memories.

I'm hosting the Thanksgiving Dinner this year. I can't wait. I will go grocery shopping tomorrow for the feast. Then I start cooking on Wednesday. Should I do a turkey and a ham? Hmmm.... decisions decisions.

Off to watch the Unit now.

Growl

2008-11-17T23:08:00.002-05:00

Since my last post....

My son informed me that he learned in school that when girls sometimes say no, they really mean yes.
My daughter hijacked my coffee and refused to give it back.
I helped to saw off a cast iron piece in our fireplace.
I discovered a stash of cat crap.

Yes. All of the above is true.
The cat crap was the worst. Absolutely. It was under the basement stairs, behind a bunch of paint cans. I can only surmise that the cats used that area as a supplemental litterbox for the past three years. Nastiness.

And yes, I helped to use a hacksaw to cut off a piece of cast iron so we could attempt to insert the fireplace insert that isn't being inserted because it's **** annoying. (Insert expletive here)

Starbuck loves coffee. Way too much. She gets a little possessive of it.

And my son is learning early how to be a deviant. Sigh. Double Sigh. Not really. Seriously, it was just his observation about how women work at school. (He had a crush on a girl he had never met before... and she was his girlfriend... lol)

And finally. Prayers and thoughts continue to go to one of my most favorite friends in the entire world--- Murray---- and his family, especially his wife, Jamie. He just had a kidney transplant and our prayers are that everything will be fine. We'll continue to lift him up in prayers and my hope is that all of you who may still read my blog do so as well.

Pneumonia Boy and Insomnia Girl

2008-11-06T01:44:00.002-05:00

Between Aaron and Starbuck, sleep eludes me.

Aaron has either pneumonia or bronchitis. Yeah, I'm thinking pneumonia. Fever of 103, deep wracking cough.... the end result? Antibiotics and a hot hot hot body under the covers. And not in a good way either. He shivers because of the fever and wants to cuddle to get warm, but he's so HOT that it makes me sweat just to be close to him. I'm not heartless, I promise. Just uncomfortable.

And then there's Insomnia Girl. Starbuck has had these waking episodes the past few nights. Tonight started at 10 pm. Normally I let her cry it out. After all, she's a big girl. But her screaming tonight was different and she is getting two new teeth. So I gave her some ibuprofen when she started screaming. Put her back in bed. And she screamed. And screamed. And screamed. For over twenty minutes. So I went into her to pat her back. I ended up picking her up and laying down with her in the twin bed. She patted my face, laid on my stomach, pulled the covers over my face and hers, and did generally everything she could to stay awake. Occasionally, she'd cuddle long enough for me to fall asleep. And then she'd shift and wake herself up again. And me. Finally I'd had enough. So I put her in her crib at about 1:40. She screamed for 3 minutes and was OUT. Turkey child.

I'm tired. I'm the only one in the family and household who has not gotten sick from all the puking and other stuff that's going around this area. Let's pray it stays that way! :)

I'm on the couch now. Gonna leave the Fresh Prince on in the background (actually, right now it's George Lopez) and fall asleep.

ER!

2008-10-27T04:21:00.002-05:00

So around 4:30 am, I woke up and my grandma was trying to get out of bed. I hopped up out of my bed to help her and BAM! I immediately felt cold, sick, dizzy, etc. Of course it was because I got up too fast. So I helped her to the bathroom and went out to tell a nurse that she was in the bathroom and that I couldn't help her back to bed. Except what came out was that she was in the bathroom and I felt like I was going to pass out. They sat me down and took my blood pressure. It was low, even for me. Something like 45/30. They sent me to the ER.

Where it was ascertained that I simply got up too fast and it just took my body a bit longer to stabilize.

:) All is well.

Sleepless in Atlanta

2008-10-26T04:14:00.002-05:00

Well, here's the good news: Prayer works! My grandma's kidneys failed because of a medication that she was on. So they flushed her system and her kidneys are working again! We are waiting for news from the cardiologist about her heart function. Also, she's been in constant pain since around July because of a fracture in her spine that we suspected but could not get confirmed. After doing an MRI, the fracture is confirmed. So on Monday, they're going to do a procedure that should lead to some relief for her pain.

The bad news? Well, really, there isn't any bad news. Unless you count the news that I am going to be in Georgia til at least Monday. But you know, while I miss the husband and kiddos (WOW, so much!) I can't think of anywhere I would rather be. Holding grandma's hand when she's hurting, singing hymns, and just being here is worth the heartache of missing my husband and kids. (Especially since Starbuck is now puking like TPJ was...)

I'm sleepless because Grandma has been restless since about 3 am. I can tell when the pain medication starts to wear off. Her legs get twitchy and she raises her knees in an effort to take pressure off of her back. She begins to talk more in her sleep-- mostly calling out to the Lord to have mercy on her. I've prayed with her a few times using that phrase. Have mercy, dear Lord, have mercy.

I just need to be connected to the outside world right now. Though she's better, I can't shake the feeling that my time with her is limited, shorter than I know. "Well, of course," you all say, "You've just been through a scary time, thinking she was dying in the next day or two." But that's not it. Ask Aaron--- I have a sense for things sometimes. And while I do not want to predict Grandma's death, I know that this time with her is precious. I have the feeling that sometime in the near future, I will look back and be glad that I made the trip down and stayed for as long as I needed to. Have mercy, dear Lord, have mercy. I don't want to think about the reality of my sense of shortened time.

My tummy is growling. Gurgle gurgle growl. But it's only 5:30 am. I don't think the cafeteria is open just yet. :) Probably a good thing. I'm leery of eating anything anyhow, since both of my kids have had the pukes in the past three days. :):)

Off to read Brisinger, the third in the Inheritance series by Christopher Paolini. Excellent. Most excellent. Dragons. Magic. Elves. Dwarves. Battle. Love. Love unrequieted. Dragons. Wait, did I say Dragons? :)

wittiness not available tonight...

2008-10-23T20:27:00.002-05:00

So I thought I was going to write this really funny blog about Maggie and the Ferocious Beast--- she encountered a possum last night--- at 2:30 am. Or something about Starbuck and her craving for BUTTER. She eats it by the spoonful.

But instead, tonight, I found out that my grandmother is in acute kidney failure. I'm wrestling with the knowledge that she might not have long to live. She's on her way to At.Lan.Ta for dialysis tonight. My mom will call me in the morning. Mom authorized the dialysis so that Grandma can make her own decision--- whether or not to stay on dialysis or to call in hospice. We don't think she'll choose dialysis.

So my heart is breaking. And at the same time, I'm angry. I got off the phone with Jenni, my childhood and longest lifetime friend--- and she voiced what I was trying to wrap my brain around. My grandmother has made choices that have caused her body to fail quicker than it needed to. She's done a lot of this to herself. And I know it. So I'm angry about that. But at the same time, I can't face the thought of losing her. I love my grandma. I just always count on the fact that she'll be there when I need her. Or want her. Or whatever. Sigh.

I just hurt. And I don't want her to hurt. And I am tired.

A Grandpa and His Girl

2008-10-19T19:57:00.002-05:00

Last night, the kids and I were up at my in laws. My nephew celebrated his 7th birthday yesterday and afterwards, we went to visit at Nanny and Pop Pop's. Pop Pop was sitting outside, watching a bonfire burn down. We pulled up some chairs to sit for a while and enjoy the over all fall-ish-ness of the evening. TPJ announced that he wanted some marshmallows. So Pop Pop got up and headed towards the house to get some marshmallows. Starbuck ran along after Pop Pop and held out her hand to him. They began to walk down the road, hand in hand. There they were, sihlouetted against the light, the perfect picture of a Grandpa and his Girl.

That picture filled me with so much longing. I hope that my girl and her grandpa will have the closeness that my grandpa and I had. I miss my grandpa nearly every day. It's not always a sadness, it's not always a grief that is inside my heart. It is sometimes a memory, a thought, a wondering of what Grandpa would think or say about something.

Starbuck is still at Nanny and Pop Pop's. She fell asleep there and is staying for a night or two. She's getting that time with her Nanny and Pop Pop. And hopefully someday, she'll have the relationship with them that I had with my grandparents.

Mother Knows Best

2008-10-16T19:27:00.000-05:00

Ok. Mama, if you read this, this is for you. At least, the first paragraph... :):)

So I was on my way home from work yesterday evening. My low fuel light had been on when I went to work. And when I came home from work, it was obviously still on. So I stopped at a gas station. But shoot. It wasn't a pay at the pump gas station. And darned if I was going to go IN to the gas station. I figured I'd made it this far, I'd make it home and probably out to a gas station later. Yeah. Not so much. I literally RAN OUT OF GAS at the bottom of the hill in front of my house. Good thing I had a gas can full of gas in the garage. I got enough gas into the car to get to a gas station. But I'll never let my tank get below 1/8th of a tank again. I promise, Mama. LOL!!!

Aaron got a visit by the police last night. I was out with a friend and he called me. He said, "Guess who we just got a visit from?" Turns out that Starbuck managed to dial 911 on the phone while Aaron wasn't paying attention. So they came to check on things. Kinda made me giggle. Ok. Really made me giggle. If you ever can't get through to us at home, try us on our cell phones. The likeliehood is that Starbuck has found a phone and it is off the hook. She loves to talk on the phone. So if you get a phone call and all you hear is, "Hi" on the other end and a lot of heavy breathing, it might be Starbuck. :)

Ok. That's it. Over and out.

Crazy Me

2008-10-06T21:06:00.002-05:00

I'm in a manic cycle. Last night I had a compulsion to organize things. I rearranged rooms. Cleaned counters. Scrubbed walls. Did laundry. Cleaned. Cleaned. Cleaned. Rearranged. Lots.

And then I had a panic attack before I went to bed. I hate those. Hate not being able to breathe, hate feeling my stomach clench up. Hate feeling my heart race. Hate feeling lost and as if I were drowning in a dark dark well of water.

So now I'm ok again. I think. HA!

So Starbuck amused me to no end today. The child is, as I've mentioned before, a wee bit stubborn. So we had lasagna for supper tonight. She likes to shake parmesean cheese on her pasta. That's my girl, you know. Because I love love love cheese. But I digress. So after she makes a royal mess, I take the cheese away from her and it gets put in the fridge. She freaks. FREAKS! She screams, cries, and literally turns herself BLUE from holding her breath. I take her out of the high chair and sit her on my lap, trying to distract her while not giving in to her. She's distracted for a minute or two, but keeps pointing at something. No matter what I offer her, she shakes her head no. Finally, I put her down and say, "Fine, get what you want then."

She walks over to the fridge and tries to open it. I open it for her. She gets out the parmesean cheese. No joke. And since I told her to get what she wanted, I had to give her the cheese. Aaron and I had to struggle not to laugh at her. She's so funny.

Not more to say. My house is beautiful. My deck is clean. My cats are affectionate. My dog is jumpy. I have fresh flowers in my house. I have beautiful mums on my front porch. My house is decorated for fall.

And I'm only a little crazy. LALALALLALAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Holy Guacamole!

2008-09-29T00:15:00.002-05:00

Ok. Between Hurricane Ike, who devastated Texas and other parts of the nation (leaving us without power for days--- some in the area for more than a week) and just the every day crud that life throws at me, I haven't had a chance to update much. If at all. Ok. At all. :)

So, you ready for the impulses of this redhead????

I'm gonna paint the hallway. Soon. Very soon. In fact, don't put it past me to have the ceiling and baseboards taped off sometime this week. And don't put it past me to have it started some evening this week. Even when Aaron shakes his head and groans. You know I'm gonna do it. And I have the perfect color in mind. Of course, whether or not Aaron thinks it's the perfect color.... we'll see. hahahhahaaha!

The stupid cricket in Toad's cage just started chirping.

I may rearrange the house along with this painting frenzy that I am in. How, you ask? Oh, what a terrific question!!! We have a lovely huge room where we spend most of our time. Our TV is in this room, the fireplace, the entrance to the backyard... the kitchen opens up to this room. But we only use half of it. The other half is taken up by a dining table that we hardly ever use. Oh wait. We use it to pile junk upon. Which irritates me constantly. CONSTANTLY. So... I'm considering moving the dining room ensemble into the actual dining room, which currently serves as our sitting room, and moving the sitting room furniture around the fireplace. Aaron isn't sure about this yet, and to tell you the truth, neither am I. But it's an idea that is niggling in the back of my brain. And you know how those ideas tend to niggle and wiggle and jiggle....

Any other impulses? Oh yes. I've applied to grad school. Going for my Early Childhood Intervention Specialist degree and certification.

Hm....the darn cricket in the toad's cage is driving me nuts.

We went away for a weekend trip this past weekend. Just us. No TPJ or Starbuck. It was kinda nice. I think I slept more than I have in a very long time. Which explains why I am awake at 1:23 am. Sigh. Of course, I was almost asleep at midnight when TPJ came in and said that his tummy hurt. I got up with him, and I've been up ever since. The great room is now dusted though. And the cat food has been put into a bin to protect it from the ugly possum that dared to show it's face in my garage. And the kitchen floor has been mopped. And the dining table has been cleared off. LOL!!!!

I need to get up in about 4.5 hours. Aaron said I wouldn't get up early to go swimming. Ha. I will so. SO there! If I don't hit my snooze button four times, that is....

I wish that toad would go ahead and eat the cricket. Seriously, it's driving me NUTS.

On that note, this redhead who is actually a brunette (oh yeah) for now, is going to try to go to bed and get some sleep.

Whadda week....

2008-09-13T11:48:00.002-05:00

First week with kiddos. And what a week it was! I never knew the beginning of school could be so crazy. We have a new enrollment process-- Centralized Intake--- and while it makes registration easier, it's new. So there are kinks to be worked out. Lots of kinks. And school is now Tuesday through Friday, giving us Mondays to plan. Hmmm....

So on Thursday, I took a bath with Starbuck--- I needed to relax and laugh a little. There's nothing like seeing my daughter in the water to make me giggle. She's a true water baby. Doesn't mind getting her face wet. Doesn't mind rolling around in the water. Doesn't mind pooping in the water.... yep. She let loose a few turds while we were in the tub. I quickly climbed out of the water, lifted her out of the water and let the water out of the tub. I went to search for the Clorox cleaner--- you know I had to disinfect that tub, don't you--- and when I came back, Starbuck was standing in a pile of yet more poop! I hollered to Aaron to come help me. We thought she was done, so he tried to diaper her. Yeah, she wasn't. She pooped some more. And some more. Last time I ever give that child prune juice because she's constipated.... She slept better than she had in a few nights though... nothing like a gooooood bowel movement, hm? Ew.

Anyhow, I have some kids this year that are going to keep me on my toes. Ha! Wait. I'm usually on my toes. Ok. So I have some that are going to to keep me thinking and make me do some research on how to best address their emotional issues. I have a wonderful team this year and hope that we will be able to make a positive impact on our student's lives. I think I'm where I was meant to be, job wise.

And now, off to sleep. I've gone from one extreme to the other. Sleeping for three hours a night to sleeping for 14 hours a day. What's up with me????

thanks, Tam

2008-09-12T21:47:00.000-05:00

http://tammysthoughtpattern.blogspot.com/

I love this woman. This friend. This amazing person.

Can I just say that?

Oh, and I loved reading on her sidebar of blogs that she reads--- I was looking for mine, and found it labeled under family.

Tamika. I love you.

10th Anniversary, a bit early...

2008-09-06T21:36:00.004-05:00

Our 10th anniversary is in three weeks. We've been together nearly 12 years. Maybe a bit more than 12 years. Married for almost 10 of those. It's not been the easiest road to travel sometimes, for either of us. As I've said before, I'm not always the easiest person to deal with. Neither is he, for that matter. We're both stubborn. We're both selfish. We like things done our way, which is, of course, the right way. We often read each other's moods incorrectly because we're wrapped up in daily life too tightly.

But sometimes, he reads me just right. It's been a long week. First week back at work full time. Lots of thoughts going around in my head. Lots of planning, etc. I took the kids out for a playdate this morning. He went to run errands. And came back with this.

Now, we've been looking for the perfect kitchen cabinet for over three years. We do this, you know. Once, it took us about two years to find a simple mirror to go with a bookshelf. Said mirror is no longer with said bookshelf, but still plays a prominent role in our house. Anyhow. We had a different style in mind. I had the tall narrow style cabinet in mind, typically red and white with stenciled glass doors. I also like Hoosier cabinets, but well... if you know anything about Hoosier cabinets, you know there are usually two types--- restored and EXPENSIVE---- or in need of some serious TLC and EXPENSIVE. Anyhow, we came close to purchasing a cabinet or two a few times over the years, but something always held us back. I'm glad. Because I think this one is just about perfect. The doors are not warped, the drawers slide easily, the hardware is original, the stenciling on the glass is pristine, and the enamel top has only one chip, which actually adds character. LOVE IT!! I went ahead and filled it up, right away. My kitchen now looks brand new--- or at least like it's from the 50's, which is my intent!!! YAY!

Yeah. Every now and then, he gets something EXACTLY right. Guess that's why I've kept him around for 10 years.

Finally, those pictures

2008-09-06T21:25:00.004-05:00

Niagara Falls from the Double Decker Bus. It was amazing. However, TPJ and Starbuck did not appreciate the majesty. It was a bit wet for them.

The famous piglets nursing their mama....

And finally, Mellie and Logan. Logan is only three weeks younger that Starbuck, but is already talking more and seems to be about two years old. Oh yeah--- he's the size of a two year old, as compared to Starbuck, who is about the size of a 1 year old. They're perfect examples of how we get averages--- he's at one end of the spectrum for development, and she's at the other. At least physically. LOL And Mellie, well, she's off the charts! :)

Falling Apart

2008-08-30T16:33:00.002-05:00

I fully intend to post those photos of Vermont.

But for now, I'd just like my body to stop falling apart.

My left knee cap is sliding in and out of place. Have a dr. appt next week about that... I have a heel spur on my left foot. And last night, I either broke or fractured my next to last toe on my left foot. I think that amputating my leg from the knee down should be an option, don't you? :)

Ok. I'm off to sit down. Put my leg up. Ice my knee and my toe. Riiiiiiight. hahahahahhaha!

I like Vermont

2008-08-23T15:57:00.002-05:00

If it weren't for the extreme Liberalism in Vermont, I think I would move here in a heartbeat. Mountains, laid back way of life, nice people.... 10 feet of snow in the winter.... wait.... maybe not in a heartbeat. Perhaps I'd summer here. In a heartbeat. I love snow, but not snow that is over my head. :)

We went to Shelburne Farms yesterday. TPJ got to milk a cow. Starbuck loved the goats. We all got to watch piglets nursing their mother, which made for some interesting conversation with the 4 and 6 year old boys: TPJ: "Are they eating dirt?" ME: "No, they're eating from their mommy." A4: "They're nursing, like I did." TPJ: "I ate from my mommy's booby too."

Today we went to a Farmer's market in Montpelier. It was amazing. I bought this nut spread that might satisfy my chocolate cravings!!! YAY!!! Then we all came home, ate lunch, and took naps. Life is good.

The other day, I saw a bear....

2008-08-22T09:41:00.003-05:00

We were driving in Vermont last night. Yeah, we're in Vermont--- one of the most beautiful places I have ever been. LOVE IT!!!

Anyhow, as we were driving a little bit north of Bennington, we saw a BEAR crossing the road. Yeah, I kid you not. A bear. I wish I had been able to take a picture to show my students!!!

We went to Niagara Falls yesterday. I've never been. It was wet and GORGEOUS. I'll post pictures later. I just wanted to update and let people know where we are! :)

1:05 am

2008-08-14T00:06:00.001-05:00

I. Ran. Out. Of. Ink.

With only 6 out of 12 books done. Guess I'm off to Kinkos now. Dagnabit. Sleep, oh elusive sleep. Good thing I have insomnia.

12:35 and No End In Sight

2008-08-13T23:35:00.002-05:00

Holy cow. Why did I decide to be the teacher that goes above and beyond? Why?? Why am I the teacher that teaches summer school and makes each kid an individual memory book of their summer in our classroom?

It's 12:35 am. Tomorrow --- wait, today--- is the last day of summer school. I am currently printing out 12 books for my children. These books consist of pictures taken over the summer, and descriptions of the pictures. Why did I think this would be a good idea? Ok, ok, we all know it's a great idea. The real question is: Why did I wait til 11:30 to start printing them?

Well, I waited that late because of a few reasons. 1. I was finishing the books this afternoon. 2. I had a board meeting at church this evening at 6 pm. 3. Had a surprise party right after the meeting. 4. Had to "chaperone" a date that lasted til 10:30 pm. 5. Had to get more ink for the printer.

SO here it is, past midnight, and I am writing this while laying on the floor, my head down on the ground, hoping that my fingers are on the right keys, as my eyes are closed. Only about 100 more pages need to print. Sigh. Double Sigh.

My tailbone hurts. My heel still hurts.

And today, I did nothing but eat carbs. Stupid. I started the day out with carbs, something I haven't done in forever. This actually seemed to upset my blood sugar, as I was dizzy and shaky within an hour. So I had some more carbs. HA! Not the smartest move. Anyhow, I ate like crap today, didn't have a chance to exercise, and am now up way too late. Sometimes I wonder about my sanity. Oh wait. I have no sanity. Merely impulses.

Speaking of impulses--- Charity and I went to Wally World for the aforementioned ink cartridges.... how would I look with blonde hair? Bought hair dye, haven't decided yet if I want to do it. Not looking for people to tell me NOT to do it--- that'll make me run out and do it right away. Just looking for thoughts on what I might look like. Am I too pale to go blonde? Am I too redheaded to go blonde?

Frack. I'm going to go lay on the futon until the printer yells at me because it is out of paper.

Laurie Berkner

2008-08-12T20:42:00.002-05:00

Aaron said I needed to post again. Said he was getting sick of the a$$ warning.

So here's a new post. Laurie Berkner's "What Falls in the Fall" in my head. And I think it's because the weather lately has been more like September than August. Which means that I've been absolutely happy. I'm not the biggest summer fan. I love fall. I love spring. I like about a month of summer, and I like snow in the winter. I hate just COLD winters. I'd like to have snow if I'm going to be cold, thank you very much.

I'm listening to the crickets. One of them is highly annoying. Everyone talks about the lovely, soothing sound of crickets chirping at night.... yeah, what about the lone cricket that can't seem to keep time with every other cricket. That's the cricket that keeps me awake at night. That's the cricket that makes me want to spray my whole lawn with bug killer.

Wonder if I've babbled enough. Wonder if the post title still shows up where Aaron can see it. Hmmm...

WARNING ASS NOTICE*

2008-08-01T22:09:00.004-05:00

If you do not want to see the picture of my big bare ass at the end of this story, please be aware right now that it's there. OK? No porn accusations. Merely an illustration to the story.

We went to church camp tonight. Had TPJ's birthday party. He got a new game for the Wii, Clone Wars 2, two new webkinz, new clothing, Indiana Jones Legos, a spy listening device, and clothing for the webkinz. Clothing for him, which made me happy, but he took in stride.

But the real story of the night is not TPJ's 6th (WOW!!!!) birthday, or even how Starbuck ran from me when she first saw me (Nanny's girl, she is). No, the real story is the bruised ass that I have.

Now, how did I get this bruised a**? Well, my very very good friend Taggart mentioned that he had jumped off the waterfall and so had his 6 year old son. My godaughter immediately decided she wanted to do this too. So I told her she could go with Tag to jump. After we finished eating, we went down to watch them jump off the cliffs at the waterfalls. I immediately decided that I had to jump too, seeing how as Amber is 12 and had the guts to do it. I went and got my swimsuit and came back to the falls.

Now, lest you think we are talking a measly 10 foot drop or something like that, let me reassure you that it was at least 25 feet up in the air. And that's just the middle drop. I wasn't brave enough to do the long drop--- a good 45 feet up in the air. Now, I can't just walk to the edge and jump--- I'd never do it. I admit it. So I took a running start and JUMPED!!!!!! I had been warned to keep my hands up so that I didn't smack the water. I was so focused on this that I forgot about my ass. So my ass hit the water first. Oh wait. My left heel actually hit first, then my ass. (I'm liking using the a** word--- seems to fit the illustration of the story best)

Now, can I go just ONE time on something like that? Heck no! I went up again. I jumped again. This time, I managed to not hit with my entire backside. I did much better. I stayed in the water and swam for a while. I think the cold water helped my bruising, which is still pretty bad. So--- now to the pictures... you ready???

************************PICTURES REMOVED WHEN MY BROTHER USED COMMON SENSE>******** IF YOU WANT TO SEE THEM, EMAIL ME****************

Please don't laugh at my arse. You can laugh at the bruises.... they're pretty ugly and haven't even started, really. The next week is going to be painful to sit, I can already tell. :)

The Force... at 2 am.... is with me...

2008-08-01T12:45:00.002-05:00

So as I'm driving back from Georgia last night, Aaron informs me that TPJ said that he wanted a Yoda cake again this year. WHAT???? Sheesh. So. I got in at 11 pm and started baking. Here's the result. He's a bit funny, but I think the newly 6 year old TPJ will appreciate it.

Fetal Position

2008-07-26T13:32:00.002-05:00

Ever have one of those days where all you're good for is a sobbing session on the floor, curled into a fetal position? Yeah. That would be today.

Yesterday was fantabulous. We took TPJ to Kings Island. The child had a blast, even though he was at first reluctant to go on anything faster than a snail. We convinced him to go on one fast ride, and that was all it took. He held up really well and we had a great time.

And of course, today, we're all exhausted. Right now, Starbuck and TPJ are napping. Aaron is at a church work day. And I am recovering from sobbing on the floor.

See, you know I've been going through some changes in my meds. That's going great. But here in Paradise Casa, there are some undercurrents that aren't so, shall we say, paradise oriented? Yeah, ok, like every family, we have our rough times. And sometimes one person in the family has a rougher time than the other. I've obviously been discontent with the status quo for a while, but guess what--- I'm actually NOT the best verbal communicator. I know that's a surprise, given that I'm so gabby online. :) I've tried to communicate my needs, wants, desires, frustrations, but I guess I'm not very effective. So I called my mom this morning. Actually, she called me, and I called her back. We chatted for a while about upcoming nuptials in the family and what not. And then I poured out my heart to her about my discontent. And my wonderfully wise mother said all the right things, and then said something that surprised me.

"Have you gotten your hormone levels checked lately?"

That sentence floored me. She then went on to tell me that she was about my age when her hormones went a little crazy. And given my history of hormone imbalance (read, infertility---) it would be a good idea to get those checked, to see if they are having any effect on the way that I am perceiving things.

So I did some research after we got off the phone. And yeah, I probably do have low progesterone (it's what my prob was with getting preggers--- at least, part of it). Which could account for some of my craziness.

Why does this make me cry? Why does it have me on the floor in the fetal position?

When am I going to be whole? When am I going to NOT have something wrong with me? When is it NOT going to be my fault that I suck at life?

It's bad enough that I view my depression and anxiety issues as a weakness (just for myself--- if anyone else has these issues, I'd be the first to sympathise and recommend that they get help!). It's bad enough that I can't control my emotions as much as I'd like to. Now to find that I have yet one more thing that makes me (in my eyes) less capable--- well, it sucks. I just want to be good enough just as I am. I just want my body to be healthy, my mind, my spirit. And no matter what I do, it's never enough. There always seems to be just one more thing wrong.

And so I've had to feel sorry for myself for not being the person that I want to be. That means that I had to crawl into bed and spontaneously start crying. And then I had to stop feeling sorry for myself. I had to start laundry. Mop the floors. Start the dishwasher. Sort more laundry. Which then had me spontaneously start crying again, curled up on the mound of towels. What better place to cry and blow my snot? :)

I'm done feeling sorry. I'm done being in the fetal position. I'm gonna pick myself back up. I'm gonna call my dr. sometime next week to get my hormone levels checked. I'm gonna continue to work on my physical health. I'll continue to work on being the best that I can be. No more of this fetal position crap.

From Zoloft to Lexapro

2008-07-22T20:42:00.002-05:00

I recently switched antidepressants. I had been happy with my Zoloft--- it kept the pit from being too deep for me to climb out of. But lately, it was less effective--- more frequent cycles of depression, and other physical side effects that I wasn't comfortable with. So, after much thought, I asked my doctor if we could look at something else, or wean me off of antidepressants in general. We decided, given certain aspects of my life, that it would be beneficial to keep me on some sort of antidepressant. So, I'm giving Lexapro a shot. It seems to be working well.

Except for one thing.

See, I have these OCD tendencies. Organizing things. Straightening things. I'm not as bad as Monk. But there are some things that I am compelled to do. If you've read my blog for a long time, you know about the deodorant swipes, the kitchen sink, stuff like that. Sometimes I get a bit more obsessive than others. Lately, I've been in a high organization mode. I have to get things organized. If I see an area that is messy, I literally have to stop what I'm doing, to straighten it up. Sippy cup lids. Tupperware lids. Clothes in the closet. The medicine cabinet. The pantry. The toy box. TPJ's room. Starbuck's onesies. And all of that is in the past week. Oh, and the entertainment center and treadmill fiasco. (Don't ask, please. I managed to get the treadmill down to the basement by myself because I am stupidly stubborn and rearrange the entertainment center area all in the same night.) I can't rest until these things are done. I hate it, but if I don't do these things, then I will be up late into the night, thinking about how to organize or fix an area.

I was aware of my recent increased Organization Compulsion. But I didn't think it was that bad. But apparently it is. Aaron mentioned it tonight. Just in an offhand way. But I know that it's starting to get out of hand, which means that I'm gonna have to do some thought therapy. I'm going to have to get my thoughts under control in some way other than organizing.

Aaron puts up with a lot, being married to me. I know that I'm no picnic to be married to. I do deal with depression. It isn't an easy thing sometimes. I do have anxiety issues. They aren't debilitating, but they're not fun either. I'm moody, and sometimes I don't treat him as well as he deserves. I'm a stickler for things being done MY way. I clam up when I get angry or frustrated. I pick fights when I'm hungry. :) I have double standards sometimes. I call it as I see it, even if it's not an accurate view of things. I'm not an easy person to be with, I'm aware of that. But Aaron is still with me, has put up with all the negatives in my personality, and even risks the wrath of Jenette to tell me when he thinks I am wrong or when he thinks I have forgotten my meds. Even though he risked me getting all moody on him, I'm glad that he mentioned my recent increase in organizing. Helped me to get my thoughts on the right track.

And now, I think. Off to bed. I am EXHAUSTED.

Georgia on my Mind

2008-07-21T22:44:00.004-05:00

Heaven help me, I can't stop thinking about my trip coming up next week. Spending time with my longest lifetime friend, chilling out with no kids, driving on my own--jamming to my music. Yeah, I'm a wee bit excited.

Georgia has been on my mind a lot lately. I miss my hometown terribly. Not just my hometown, but my family, and the way of life. I come back to Ohio after being down home, and I find that for the most part, I'm more relaxed. Things move a little slower down home--- not in a bad way, but because going home for me is a vacation, there aren't the pressures of every day life for me down there. But beyond that, there's a different attitude--- people give you time to notice that the light has turned green before they honk at you. People stop and chit chat in the grocery aisles without others giving them the finger. It's not a simpler attitude, per se--- just a more patient one, perhaps. Not that there aren't impatient attitudes and fast paced people, but the overall feel of life down home is more relaxed and slower. I miss that. I'm such a fast paced person, sometimes I need to be slowed down a little.

Speaking of me being fast paced----I love coffee. Mindy Mae, I have fallen to the dark side of caffeine. I love coffee. Can I say it again? I love coffee. I LOVE COFFEE!!! I've gotten accustomed to starting my day with a cup of coffee at work. Now I start it with a cup at home--- but I use light coffee--- less caffeine. But still. It makes me sooooo much more productive. I'd hate to see me on Speed. Might be scary, really. Would be scary, really. But think of the weight I'd lose.... nah.

Check out my sidebar. I've put it out there for everyone to see--- my physical health, spiritual, mental, emotional--- it's all going to be updated weekly for physical, daily for the others. If you have any interest, great. If not, don't read! :):)

I'm starting the Atkins plan. Well, I'm not doing the induction phase, not completely. I'm modifying it a bit for my blood sugar levels. Which, if they drop too low, I get mean. And no one wants that, right???

Off to sleep. I think.

Resolutions

2008-07-17T21:47:00.002-05:00

First of all, let me say that I have no idea what Tammy is talking about in reference to the Gateway box. It's not like I would EVER climb inside a box and play in it. Especially not when I was 20 years old. My daughter might take after me just a little bit. Maybe. Boxes are fun. A world of imagination can soar with a box.... :)

Now, on to the real post.

I'm sick of being unhappy with my body. I'm not majorly unhappy, don't get me wrong. I'm just tired of having no self discipline when it comes to chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, cookies in general, and Dove dark chocolate. I want to have a healthy lifestyle, a healthy diet, a healthy self image about my body.

I've been exercising consistently for about a month now. I am now going to start eating in a more healthy manner. (Not an easy feat when there are chocolate chip cookies in the pantry, and summer brings on a craving for lots of ice cream) I think I'm going to cut down on my refined carbs and focus more on veggies, fruits, and lean proteins. I can't cut out carbs entirely--- it doesn't do good things for my moods. But I can change the type of carbs that I eat.

I'm ready to be in the best shape that I can be in, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I'm ready to be the best person that I can be. (oh dear, the Army theme song is running through my head---Be all that you can be, in the Army) And if being the best that I can be means that I have to discipline myself not to eat junk, to physically exercise, to take my Lexapro, and to spend more time in prayer, then those are the things that I'm going to do.

Oh, and Aaron, I DON'T need you to make jokes if I cheat or give me a hard time if I sneak a cookie every now and then. :) LOL That would not help. For all men out there---- encouragement in the form of comments such as, "You're doing really good at keeping up with your exercise..." or "This new recipe is really good- thanks for trying something new and healthy," is good encouragement. Saying, "Are you sure you really want to eat that?" is NOT good. Saying, "Does sitting on the couch count as exercise?" does not come across as encouraging. Trust me on these things. :):) (I have to give you a hard time, Aaron.)

On a side note, I'm curious about something of a spiritual nature. I'd love any knowledge about this--- I'm praying about a department in our church and am seeking God's will concerning the direction of this department. As I was praying about this, the thought of fasting came to me. I don't know much about fasting and prayer--- of course I can research, and I intend to, but I was curious about other Christian's knowledge about the practice of fasting when seeking God's will in an area. Thanks in advance for any input. :)

My baby girl

2008-07-14T21:10:00.008-05:00

She amuses me to no end. I am posting some pictures of her. Because she amuses me. Some would say she takes after her mother. I say she takes after um..... someone else.

Here she is with a box on her head. I have no idea why she has a box on her head. But she does. She is also telling me that she can't hear me. Which I find highly amusing. Highly. Highly.

"What do you mean, NO?"

She might have a bit of her mommy in her.

Here she is with a bit of Grandma Joy's genes... Biker Babe.

Were we really that silly?

2008-07-10T14:31:00.003-05:00

So, as you might have guessed, Tamika and I have reconnected and are hopefully going to build a new and better friendship from the ashes of the old one--- I love the story of the Phoenix and use the analogy whenever I can. :) lol.

Let me give you a blurb from her blog.
********************************************************************************

Ever have one of those friends that you can just be silly with and you just don't care? You get looks in restaurants and theaters (because you are making up stories about the people in front of you and start laugh hysterically). People think that someone had let the both of you escape the asylum for the day. That is was me and my friend Jenette.

The laughter and tears came easy and the memories are every emotion out there. We learned from each other...

Always use paint striper before you paint over cabinets... and make sure that you ventilate the house when you paint, even in February @ 2 am.
Never take hand-me-down boyfriends... Only bad things come of that... (BTW, the boyfriend is still single and still the same playboy)
You can take the turn at Malfunction Junction at 65 miles an hour in a jeep
Little kids can be convinced that a petite redhead is a leprechaun
A movie can be "owned" between friends and it will forever remind you of that person
A good man can be found on the Internet... and they even make decent husbands
Deeply religious conversations cannot be had with any intelligence at 3 am by 3 goofy blondes, especially in Song of Solomon
The cow goes "Moo" (not says, the cow goes "Moo")

After 7 years of wondering, missing, praying, etc., a connection has been reestablished. My heart is full. I don't know what the path will be, how it will go, or where it will lead but I know that God will lead us both.

Oh, and Netters, I would positively love to have a Steel Magnolias fest and the chance to add more movie quotes to our repertoire.

***************************************************************************

I have missed many things about my friendship with Tamika. Ever had a friend who would give it to you straight, no sugar coating, and still love you? Yeah, that was Tamika. Ever had a friend who would go out with you to the store at 3 am and wander up and down the aisles..... even when you passed gas and let her walk through it??? LOL!! Ok, I might have been that nasty. Wait. I might still be that nasty. :) Just more refined.

Tamika was the one who said that Aaron and I were like Dharma and Greg. Yeah, that could be an accurate description some times--- free spirit meets buttoned up conservative. Except that I am a closet conservative too... LOL.

Every time I hear the song, "His eye is on the sparrow," I think of Tamika. I wanted to sing it once at church, but I could her her singing it in my head and knew that I couldn't do the song justice. That's one of the things that I loved about my friendship with Tamika. We both love(d?) to sing and our voices blended very well. (Now that I think about it, most of my closest friends and I have music in common. The love of all forms of music, the desire to serve through music...) It would be nothing for Tamika and I to be driving down the road, singing our hearts out to whatever we were listening to at that time.

Tamika helped me stalk a boy once. Or twice. Not realllllly stalk, mind you--- just check to see if he was REALLY back together with his ex girlfriend..... He wasn't even my boyfriend. I just had a massive crush on him. But still.

Denny's will always have a special place in my heart--- Tamika and I could go there at any time of night and hang out. Yes, we were sad individuals. :) LOL

Wow. Wow.

One of the things that I love the most and miss the most about Tamika--- she's one of my few friends who actually calls me by the nickname that I like the most and how I think of myself--- Netter(s). Yeah, in my mind, I'm Netter, sometimes NetterBetter. :) LOL.

To everyone else--- we are all blessed with the capacity for human relationships. Friendships. Some friends are in our lives for a short time, for a season, and some for a lifetime. Sometimes friendships end because you're in different seasons. Sometimes they end because we're too proud to admit fault. Sometimes they end because we're too blind to see the other's point of view. And sometimes they end just because we're stupid. But the good thing is, we can let go of our pride. We can get glasses so we aren't blind. Stupidity--- welll--- that's a bit harder, but there are plenty of books on friendships these days... So, if you're wondering about that friendship that ended, if you have that twinge of regret, if you have that bit of sadness inside of you--- pray about it. Maybe your pride is gone, your blindness is healed, and your stupidity has been rectified. Maybe theirs too. And maybe it's time to rekindle that friendship.

Weezer and Clarice

2008-07-09T21:01:00.002-05:00

If you know the pair in the title, then you are officially a true fan of the movie Steel Magnolias. Yep. I think I can quote almost all of that movie. In fact, I think I'm going to watch it again soon. Very soon.

I just caught up on bits and pieces of an old friend's life. I'll call her Tamika--- that's what I always called her. :) Anyhow, Tamika and I "broke up" about 7 years ago--- it wasn't an easy break up and Lord knows, I miss(ed) her terribly. We were at different stages in life and I didn't have the maturity to understand her life, to understand her heart. I didn't have the heart to try to understand her, because I was, I suppose, selfish. I hope that I have grown up some since those stupid years.

Tamika and her husband have been TTC (Trying to Conceive) for over 5 years. It makes our two years of infertility and the crap that we went through seem so trivial. But you know, I thank God for those two years--- I think that was when I missed Tamika the most--- and now I understand so much more what she went through when I told her I was pregnant with TPJ. While Aaron and I do have two children, faithful readers of my blog know that our fertility was not without its problems. If you want to read the story of our fertility treatments and the heartbreak that followed, please go to the Healing Moments blog. ANYHOW. I guess I'm trying to prove to Tamika that I'm capable of empathy and understanding these days. Along with rollicking laughter. LOL. Let me know if you're interested in a Steel Magnolia fest, Tamika.

I went through pictures today, looking for a kindergarten photo--- at work, we have our kindergarten pictures up on a board in our office. I know how funny mine looks, and for the life of me, I cannot find it. Maybe next time I go to Georgia, I'll find it in Gma's photos. Anyhow, in those pictures, I found some funny ones. I'm going to scan two of them sometime this week and put them on here. One is from my bachelorette party night. My goodness. I might have been a tad wasted. I also found some from when I was skinny. Very skinny. Sigh. I don't suppose I'll ever weigh 115 lbs again, will I? I'd have to drop almost 30 lbs to get there again. I don't know if I could do it. Or if I'd really want to do it. LOL. I love my food, you know. I can do moderation, but if I were to lose 30 lbs, I'd have to exercise religiously (more than my two miles a day) and eat sparingly. I've tossed around the idea of cutting out all processed carbs.... eh.... we'll see.

I love the National Geographic channel. My grandparents used to have shelves and shelves of NG magazines. I used to lay on the floor of Gpa's study, and go through the magazines. I loved the pictures. I think I used to play around with the idea of being an anthropologist because of NG. I also used to think it would be neat to be an archaeologist. I think I found my fascination for ancient Egypt as a result of reading about artifacts in National Geographic--- yes, I was a geeky young child. I love Taboo---- it's a culture show. I find that my world view is stretched when I watch the NGC.

Aaron just looked over my shoulder and said that I was really rambling on. It's true. I am. Deal.

OH!!! TPJ lost his first tooth this morning. It was so cute.... it fell out this morning, and as I'm getting dressed, he's sitting on the top stair, holding his tooth, singing, "This is the best day, of my life. This is the best day, of my life." Yeah. The tooth fairy better leave him something good. Like a dollar. Yeep. Inflation.

Speaking of TPJ, he has a consult with an Ear Nose Throat specialist next month. Child is on antibiotics AGAIN. Looks like those tonsils are coming out. But don't tell him. He kinda freaks out about it. So ixnay on the onsilstay. Got it?

K. Think that's it. I'm a wee bit thrilled to have heard from Tamika again. I hope I hear more.

Speeding Towards Responsibility

2008-07-05T19:38:00.003-05:00

I got a speeding ticket today. I'd like to tell you the story of the ticket and then tell you why it is not my fault that I got this ticket.

I was driving up to Toledo to pick up my grandma so that I could bring her back to Cincinnati. We are headed to Georgia tomorrow. I was driving along, listening to a radio station that kept fading in and out. My bladder was starting to mutter about the coffee I had poured into it earlier. I was getting frustrated with the radio and was scanning through stations. I remembered that I had a cd that my most wonderfullest friend and her husband (Mindy and Andy) had given me for my birthday. Red. Kutlass. MMMMM..... HARD ROCK. CHRISTIAN HARD ROCK. Yeah, I know, you'd never guess me for a headbanger or screecher. Well. Ok, I am. So I put in the cd and turned it up LOUD. I looked down and noticed that I was going over 80mph. I immediately backed off, since my cruise was set at about 76.

But then, I noticed it. The white cruiser coming up in the left lane. I knew it. I just knew in my gut that it was coming for me. And it was. Yep. The very kind, cute, Highway Patrolman gave me a pretty little blue citation.

Now, let me tell you all the reasons why this speeding ticket was NOT my fault.
1. The radio station transmitter was not strong enough, thus causing the station to fade in and out, which made me frustrated.
2. Mindy made me a CD full of loud, fast paced music. She gave it to me, knowing that I love music and really get carried away with my music.
3. Aaron's mom made delicious coffee, which I had to drink, which caused my bladder to be unhappy, which distracted me.
4. The state of Ohio should have more flexible speed limits for rural areas.
5. Ford shouldn't make cars that can go more than 5 mph above the speed limit.

So you see, it was all of those things that caused me to get the speeding ticket. Not my fault at all. Totally no responsibility of mine.

Oh wait. Wait. I did have choices, didn't I?
1. I didn't have to listen to the radio. I didn't have to respond with frustration.
2.I could have chosen any other CD to listen to.
3.There were plenty of places to stop and make my bladder happy.
4. Speed limits are very clearly posted and I can read.
5. Ford doesn't make me drive above the speed limit.

I think we sometimes want to blame the world for the results of our choices. It's so much easier to say that the extenuating circumstances caused us to do this or that, you know? It is our nature to shift responsibility.

Life is made up of choices. I had that pointed out to me this weekend. I was feeling bad for someone's lot in life, hurting for them, wanting to make it all better. I was upset about a situation. And it was pointed out to me, that if I used logic and not emotion to look at this situation, that all of the heartache was a result of someone's choices. I couldn't fix the heartache because I couldn't make the choices for this person.

So I got a speeding ticket because I chose to put my food down on the accelerator a bit too hard. In the end, it was MY choice. And I must suffer the consequences. I'll pay my fine. I've got to make restitution for my choice.

I'm not looking to take the splinter out of anyone else's eye, not when I have such a large plank in my own. There are plenty of areas in my life that I don't want to take responsibility. I want to blame the situations, instead of taking responsibility. I'm just like everyone else. But I think if we can step back sometimes, and see that we do have choices--- whether they are choices that we like or not--- then we might find it a bit easier to take responsibility for our lives, rather than blaming things to someone else.

Over and out. Off of my soapbox.

Summertime Strep

2008-06-29T07:18:00.003-05:00

My throat started feeling funny on Thursday. A wee bit scratchy. I attributed it to allergies, lack of sleep, dehydration, whatever. On Friday, it was a wee bit red, but nothing else. That evening, I may have had a VERY low grade fever, but not enough to keep me from going out to eat and having a relaxing evening with Aaron. Seriously--- for most people it wouldn't have even been considered a fever--- it's just since my body temp is freakishly low....

But Saturday. Oh Saturday. Very red, very swollen, and WHITE SPOTS! Bah. So I went to Urgent Care. My strep test was negative, but when the dr. looked at my throat, he said, "Oh yes, you have strep."

So here I am, on antibiotics.

But what's up with that? No high fever, no terribly sore throat--- just sore enough to let me know that something wasn't right. And a slight increase in my grumpiness. Ever so slight, because believe me, I'm a treat to be with, ALL THE TIME! (No comments from the peanut gallery, understand?) I mean, normally I'm Mary Sunshine (this is true, BTW) with a few clouds that drift by. But the past three days, I've been Mary Stormcloud with brief periods of sun. Stupid strep.

Aaron bent the lawn mower blade yesterday. Can I just say how glad I am that I did not do this? Because I would have gotten tons of grief over it! :) hehehehe

I love Goodwill shopping. That's probably about the only kind of shopping that I truly ENJOY! I can afford to go Goodwill shopping! And the things I find! Wow! I think I'm all set for my summer dresses. I hate shorts. Shorts never look good on me. (Aaron, your opinion doesn't count--- you'd have me wearing Daisy Dukes if you had your way) I feel uncomfortable in shorts. And when you teach little kids who have no problem telling you that your thighs are fat..... :):)

Ok, off to get ready for church. Not singing for the next two months. Sigh. I'll miss it, but I'm going to pray and focus on the Education ministries.

I can't sleep

2008-06-25T23:37:00.002-05:00

Someone changed the screen dimensions... either that or I'm used to the laptop. Anyhow.

It's 12.40 am. I need to get up in about 6 and half hours. But I'm having trouble going to bed. I forgot to start the load of laundry that has TPJ's swim trunks in it--- he needs them for tomorrow. So I did that. I also started the dishwasher, wiped down the kitchen, and folded two loads of towels. Earlier today, I vaccuumed the basement and the first floor. I did my two and a quarter miles on the treadmill. I straightened up the house. I even cooked supper--- straight out of a bag tonight.

I should be exhausted. I should be falling asleep on my feet--- oh, did I mention that I didn't get to bed til after midnight the night before?

I can go to bed. I can even fall asleep pretty well. But within a couple of hours, I'm awake again. Not restless, not agitated, not anxious. Just awake. Sometimes I'm compelled to get out of bed and read a book. But I know that I'm more likely to fall back asleep if I just stay in bed. If I just close my eyes and go to my happy place, I will eventually drift back to sleep. For another hour or two. Then I'll wake up again. I'll toss and turn a little, throw the covers off of me, snuggle closer to Josephine Cow, adjust my head so that Cici doesn't permanently cripple me by putting her whole body on top of my head, wiggle my feet a little, and hopefully drift back off. Until the next time I wake up. It's usually close to 5 or 6 am by this time. The birds sing, the neighborhood dogs start their barking (I think deer are running around the neighborhood lately) and the sky is getting progressively lighter. This is usually the worst wake up time for me. I know that I have to get up by 7 at the latest. I want to go back to sleep, but I know that if I do, I won't get any decent sleep. In fact, I'll probably dream about being awake. And you know in those dreams, how you're just wanting to open your eyes, but you can't.... I hate those dreams.

So tonight, I'm sitting here, listening to Seinfeld on the TV in the other room, drinking my tea, savoring the peacefulness. In some ways, I don't mind this season of sleep patterns. I do get a lot of time to myself, time to read, to write, to dream, to think. Right now I'm thinking that maybe if I delay going to bed, perhaps my five hours of sleep will hit all at once! :)

I don't think this is a mental thing--- I know some people would say that because I expect to be sleepless, I am. And there is some validity in that. But I also know that when I fight the sleeplessness, it gets worse. I can go down to as little as three hours of sleep a night and that gets miserable for all involved. I don't take naps during the day, not unless it's Saturday or Sunday, and I absolutely am craving a nap. Ok, that's most Sundays.... :)

I'm not complaining about the sleeplessness, or even seeking solutions. I'm sure that some Tylenol PM would take care of things. But I worry that I wouldn't be able to function in the morning. And someone has to function in the morning in this house, because Lord knows, it's NOT Aaron! :) I'm just writing, just getting some thoughts down, just thinking about the sleeplessness. I feel very creative during these times. I could probably get a few stories written down during these times. I could probably write some lyrics to a song or two. I could probably knit, or something else that requires creativity. But eh. Why bother? It's too late at night to be creative, right? :)

My tea is almost done. It's nearly 1 am. I might head on up to bed.

OH!!! My fingernails and toenails are pretty again! tee hee! I feel like it's been forever since I've treated myself to painting my fingernails--- it's kinda like--- why bother when I wash my hands three trillion times a day--- but this nail polish is such a pretty color. And I needed to do something for MYSELF. So I did. And I feel prettier. :)

I don't know why I bother

2008-06-20T23:01:00.002-05:00

I totally cleaned the house today. Well, almost totally. I didn't do the toilets. I hate cleaning toilets. But I digress. So anyhow. I cleaned. It looks good around here. Very good.

But now my nephews are spending the night. And in the morning, by the time I get out of bed, my beautifully clean house is going to be destroyed. I know this. I have to accept it.

TPJ has a tball game tomorrow--- well, today, in about 11 hours. I'm going to have fun taking the nephews and the Starbuck to the game. Anyhow, TPJ is showing some proclivity towards tball. I think he likes it better than soccer because he doesn't have to run as much. :) LOL. Like father, like son. The less sweat, the better. :) Anyhow, he can hit and throw--- we're still working on the catching.

I really need to get TPJ started in piano lessons. Soon. I want to have them lined up by the end of the summer. I want a piano. I want to take piano lessons again too. Not to mention Starbuck--- the child loves music. I think I finally have my child who likes/loves music as much as I do. She can be pitching a screaming fit and if I start to sing to her or put on some music, she stops and starts dancing. When I'm practicing my singing, she joins me--- in her own Starbuck way. Which is with lots of "aaaaaaahs." It's cute. But anyhow, I think that she might start learning music at a younger age. I hope so.

I have some deep thoughts running around up in my bead. Mostly about life and it's shortness and stuff like that. I think losing Great Grandma has really affected me--- she lived her life to the fullest! She didn't seem to take a day for granted--- she lived. I want to live. I want to serve. I want to live. :)

La la la la

2008-06-19T06:04:00.002-05:00

"Mommaeey," is generally the first thing that I hear most days. TPJ usually calls out for me around 7 am, just to make sure that I haven't left the house without kissing him goodbye. Or getting him breakfast. Or listening to his dreams. Some days, I just groan and roll over to my other side. Other days I tell him to come climb in bed with me and cuddle with me. Soon I won't be able to invite him to do that. he's almost 6. Can you believe that??? He's almost 6!!!!!!!!! Where did the time go?

Anyhow. I'm in a much lighter mood this morning. Of course, I usually am in the mornings. :) Being one of those annoying, pesky morning people, I wake up and am immediately alert and awake. Well, most of the time. Some mornings I'm not quite so alert. But 90% of the time, I am. And most of the time, I'm happy to wake up. You know, instead of hugging my Josephine Cow for (yes, I sleep with a stuffed cow, her name is Josephine, and I've had her for about 10 years---- you got something to say about it??? :):) ) just a few more minutes and grumbling about how early morning has come.

Starbuck--- please let me tell you about Starbuck. I know every mom thinks that their kid is the cutest--- but I happen to KNOW that Starbuck is the cutest little girl ever. Last night, we were at Skyline for supper--- it was a late supper--- I had been practicing a song that I get to sing in a wedding on Saturday (NERVES!)--- so the kids were STARVED. Well, ok, TPJ wasn't because I had the foresight to feed him a little before. Child is like me--- when he gets hungry, he's mean and cranky. But Starbuck, she was starving. She ate a whole hot doggy platter, most of Aaron's beans from his 5 way, and then, when TPJ was having a popsicle, pitched a royal fit until she got her own. The girl doesn't have a whole lot of verbal words, but she has no problem making herself understood. As soon as TPJ came to the table with his popsicle, Starbuck started grunting. When we asked if she wanted one, she started nodding her head vigorously. It was quite amusing. She's got such personality. I KNOW--- all parents think this about their kids. But I think Starbuck is destined for the limelight. I know that's hard to believe, considering her shy, retiring mother--- hehehehe. The child lives for attention and knows how to get it--- both in good ways and bad ways.

Do you know, that last paragraph is rather amusing to read? I'm all over the place! :) I think I need to go hop in the shower and try to deep condition my hair so that it doesn't frizz. Lately I've been letting my hair go natural-- curls galore. There's really no point in trying to straighten it--- it'll just curl up in the summer anyhow. :) It's at this terribly awkward stage where my bangs don't want to do anything, so I end up looking like a dork and pulling them back all the time. Perhaps if I deep condition the hairs, they'll behave. HA!

There's a reason this blog is titled Musings, Ramblings, and Babblings!. :)

Melancholia

2008-06-16T21:00:00.002-05:00

Tonight I was hanging out with one of my good friends. We were watching our kids play together, and just chatting about the changes in our lives. This friend has quite the gift of discernment, so out of curiosity, I asked her for her opinion about an area in my life. You know how sometimes when you do that, you really wish that you hadn't? Eh. :) I had a few tears as we talked about the changes that we are both encountering.

So now I'm overwhelmed by a sense of melancholy. There are areas in my life that I need to re-evaluate. I've come to accept the things that I cannot change, but that doesn't mean that I don't want things to be different sometimes. I think that's why this sense of melancholy is with me tonight. I am in that stage where I want things to be different, but know that they aren't going to be, at least not any time soon.

Perhaps it's just summertime. If you've been reading my blog for the three years that I've had it, you know that summertime tends bring insomnia and deep thoughts. :) I sometimes think that those thoughts are related to the lack of sleep. LOL. I get restless in the summer. I get wild inside. :) Oh wait, I'm already wild inside--- I just keep the wild animal under a tight control inside of me.

I want music. That's about it.

Long time no whatever

2008-06-15T20:46:00.003-05:00

So I just realized that the last time I updated was when Ggma died. It's only been three weeks, but it seems as though it's been a lifetime, in some ways.

I had my two weeks of summer vacation, lazy lazy summer days. Ok, not really. I did sleep in occasionally. I did stay in my jammies til 9 am on a few days. I did wander around town doing errands without the kids--- almost heaven, that was!

So anyhow. The Pantless Jedi is on his fourth round of antibiotics for a sore throat in about 10 weeks. The doctor said that we might have to get his tonsils taken out. I really don't want to do that, but we'll do what we have to do .

Starbuck is her normal self. She's independent, headstrong, funny, and beautiful. I adore that child. :) She definitely reminds me of Kara on BSG. :) Not that I've watched that this season. 10 episodes on TiVo to watch. Sigh. Who has time???

OOOOH!!! I bought an electric bike!!! After my 13 mile trek and near collapse from heat exhaustion--- what--- I didn't write about that??? OOOOOH. Let me explain.

So, when gas hit over 3.75 a gallon, I thought I would see what I could do to conserve gas a little. I had this brilliant idea!!! I'd ride my bike to and from work--- it's only 7 miles one way.I decided to try the trip before my first day back for summer school. So I picked a Thursday morning. I didn't realize the temps were supposed to be in the 90's that day--- but I'm not sure it would have deterred me even if I had realized it. :) Anyhow, I made it there just fine, but coming back with no break was a very stupid thing to do. Yeah. I didn't take a break. I DID drink water, I'm not that stupid. But I just turned right around after I got to my building and kept going. If I had done the trip on a regular day, I would have spent three hours in the classroom, chilling out. But it wasn't a regular day. It was a Jenette is Crazy Inside day. I'm proud to say that I made it almost all the way home--- within a mile. Then I started to get sick to my stomach, dizzy, and well, just all around not good. Fortunately I was right by a friend's house. Unfortunately, they were at work. But I sat on their porch and called another friend to come get me. She did, and only laughed at me a little. :)

Ok, so after that fiasco, I decided that I should figure out a different way to conserve gas and go a little more green. I found an electric bike on ebay in the area and decided to buy it. Today, I took 3/4 of the way to work and back--- it was awesome!!! I still have to pedal, but the hills are much easier. It's technically a pedal assisting motor. Which is what it does! I love it.

Sometimes I feel like a teenager inside. Does that make any sense? I forget that I'm 31 now. Because I still feel like I'm 19 sometimes.

Great Grandma Memories

2008-05-24T16:32:00.002-05:00

My first real memory of her is when she lived in Columbus, Georgia. We went for a visit, she took us over to one of her friends' houses who had grandchildren visiting. We jumped on their trampoline. Her house was a red brick house. I got swarmed by red ants when I was standing outside of her house.

She moved to Blairsville, my hometown. She watched my brother and I on Wednesday nights when our grandparents had choir practice. When I think back on it, she had the patience of a saint. We would run up and down the halls of her retirement community. We wanted to ride the elevators all the time. We wanted to go down to the front desk and play with the automatic doors. We wanted to wrestle in her bedroom and be generally obnoxious. She placated us with candy and let us do just about anything that we wanted to.

We got older, she got older. She became a voice of wisdom, telling us of her life and the choices that she had made. She became a role model with her endless volunteerism, hard work ethic, and general social abilities. She might have been a tad nosy, a trait I tend to share.

I share her chin. Her facial expressions. Her stubborness. Her determination. Her nosiness.

Her passing was not unexpected. She was, after all, 98. Her passing was peaceful.

I will miss her. But I will always have this strong, beautiful, amazing woman inside of me.

Farewell Rosa Lee Wilson. I love you.

I'm ready

2008-05-19T21:14:00.002-05:00

I'm ready for school to be over this year. It has been a heck of a way to jump back into teaching--- jumping in in the middle of the year into a class in turmoil. Not fun, I've decided.

I'm counting down the days. There are only four left before I have my summer break. Of two whole weeks. After that, I get to teach summer school. I'm actually looking forward to that. I think the lower key atmosphere of summer will be better than this craziness that has been the school year. The good thing is, summer school is only four days a week, and if I want to take time off, I can. I just don't get paid for the day. Works for me.

Ok. I'm thinking--- AGAIN, about retrying contacts. We'll see. I'm thinking maybe daily wear? I need something different. I have my fave pair of glasses. But the ones I use the most often? Well, let's just say that my fluffy cat, Cici, sat upon them. They're flattened. Yeah. Really. She might need to lose some weight. But hey, she's like 14--- she's allowed to be fluffy.

Installed an invisible fence for the dog yesterday. Did a bit of training with Mags. Poor baby got shocked about three times before she decided that she would listen to the beeping. Shock therapy was good for her--- calmed her down. She's laying down, asleep right now. Snoring.

I really should go to bed. I think I might. I'm a bit under the weather tonight. Oooo--- I'll go take a long hot bath before I head to bed. That would be perfect!!!!!!!!!!!

Night, dears.

Details

2008-05-10T22:18:00.003-05:00

I don't really have a whole lot interesting to say, but I feel like writing. I was reading through old emails today and found a bunch from me to my SIL, April. She's awesome. I found a bunch from the early years of TPJ's life. Pictures, etc. Very interesting.

I did not shower til almost 1 pm today. That hardly ever happens. Now, I didn't sleep that long. Noooo. But I did lounge around in my bathrobe for most of the morning. That was nice. I even climbed back into bed for a while. That was even nicer.

TPJ is sick AGAIN. I feel like we've been fighting illness for a while now. He was on antibiotics for a while--- he had a fever and his tonsils were very swollen. But he was negative for strep. I didn't think it was strep anyhow, because he usually gets scarlet fever --- the happy rash that is caused by strep. Two days after that round of antibiotics, he's sick again, high fever, sore throat, tummy pain, hips hurting (isn't that odd?), terribly thirsty. So we called the dr. on call, and he said to take TPJ to Urgent Care. We did. Very brisk dr. He wrote a script for augmentin. Hopefully this will work, though I may call our regular dr. just to be safe.

Starbuck. Oh Starbuck. She's stubborn. She's beautiful. She's Starbuck. She's taken to grunting to get what she wants. No matter how we encourage talking and speech, she prefers to sign for what she wants or to grunt for what she wants. I'm happy that she's signing for things, but it's also frustrating that she simply signs "want" in the direction of whatever it is that she wants. :) Then you have to play the hot or cold game to guess what it is that she wants. What's really funny is that the way that she does "want" in sign language is also "milk" in ASL. For a while there, I was shoving cups of milk at her constantly. :) Silly me.

The school year is almost over. For this, I am grateful. I will never ever ever step into a classroom in the middle of the year ever again. Never. It has been a learning experience, to say the least.

I'm looking forward to expanding my South Main Design business this summer. That's my goal for the first month of summer--- I want to book four parties for the month of June and have a great time. I love the new pieces that we have out! I know that if I can just get my product out there and show people how pretty things are, I would have no problem selling things.

Hm. Nothing more to say. Life is in the details.

Spring Green

2008-05-01T20:29:00.002-05:00

That's the color of my new baby. My new Dell laptop. I'm loving it. Why?

1. I can sit in front of the tv and chill with Aaron while blogging again.
2. I can write lesson plans when I need to and not have to schedule time in front of the desktop.
3. I have "privacy" now. I can use my computer up in my bedroom if I want to.
4. I have something to keep my lap warm again!!! Oh wait, that's Joe the cat! :)

So. This week, Starbuck and/or Jbabe put a set of car keys in the toilet. Then the toilet got flushed. Not a great thing, let me tell you. The keys still haven't been recovered.

Made some new friends this week. You know how you sometimes just click with some people? It's a good thing. TPJ has a new Star Wars friend. Starbuck has a new friend who thinks that she is HIS. All from this family! Isn't that neat?? And I have a new friend who is just as goofy as I am. And Aaron has a new friend who laughs at his wife as much as he laughs at me! :)

I wish I had more to say, but I don't. I'm exhausted these days. This week we did a lot of socializing. And a lot of having fun. But I didn't get nearly enough sleep. And now I need more sleep.

My Son, The As Seen on TV Boy

2008-04-21T19:45:00.005-05:00

I might have to change his name on here to TASOTV. Wanna know why?

It's Spring here and we've been spending nearly every nice minute outside. However, the long cold winter has obviously taken it's toll.

"Boy, I have heartburn from my medicine going down the wrong way," I comment to TPJ as we're cuddling.

"Mommy, I know something that will take care of that! It's the little purple pill, have you seen it? It soothes your heartburn before it starts! And it gives your heart a little love." As I'm giggling, he takes my face in his hands and says, "Don't laugh! It's serious!"

What's terrible is that this isn't the first time he's presented us with an infomercial. My "happy" pills (zoloft is my drug) have advertisments too, apparently. TPJ wanted to know the other day if I was taking my happy pills, so that my face wouldn't be sad or mad. Yes.

Oh, and he continually talks about the Topsy Turvy, a tomato growing device that grows from a hanging position. And lets not forget Blendy Pens! Or Debbie Meyer's Green Bags. "If you want to save money, Mommy, you should buy Debbie Meyer's Green Bags! They'll save your vegetables and fruits for a WHOLE MONTH! It's only 19.99, see, Mommy?"

So why is it obvious that the winter took its toll on him? Obviously he sat in front of the TV more than we realized. And can I blame him? Heck no. On a cold day, all I want to do is curl up on the couch with a book and hot chocolate. Makes sense that he wanted to curl up on the couch with a blanket and a remote. :)

The Pantless Jedi is easier to remember, however, so I think he'll just stay TPJ. But thank goodness it is spring and we can get our butts off of the couch!

Starbuck had her first tea party this weekend. One of my BFF's let her precious darling girls spend the night with us on Saturday. They brought their tea set. So we had a tea party.

I'm getting a new laptop soon--- next month, to be exact! I'm pretty excited about that! I may blog more when I have that baby! Right now, it's just too hard to sit at the PC and blog--- especially when there is a line for the computer. Three people sharing one computer is two too many, I think! :) Spoiled much? NAH!

And lest you think I'm favoring Starbuck by posting her pic, here are two of TPJ. He's getting too big for words.

Too Old, Apparently

2008-04-15T11:36:00.001-05:00

So I teach Headstart. I love it. I love being active with my kids. I love playing, drawing, singing, dancing, etc. I love playing in the gym.

So yesterday, we were doing somersaults. One of my subs said, "Can any of you do a backwards somersault," to the children. Nobody could. So of course, silly me said, "I used to be able to do them, let me see if I still can."

I can't. Nope. Oh, I got over and all, but I almost broke my neck in the process. My back has this funny twinge in it now. Yeah. I'm a bit dumb at the best of time.

Now I have to go get ready for the afternoon session. I don't think I'll do any somersaults with them today. Or tomorrow. :)

Lord, Send Me!

2008-04-13T07:04:00.004-05:00

Here I am, Lord send me.

Yesterday a group of us from church were out at a friend's house, doing yard work. This friend is a single mom who works hard and rarely has any spare time. Her yard has suffered because of it. A neighbor called the city and reported her yard as an eyesore. So we helped her make it less sore. :)

While we were working, I was talking with another fellow worker and telling her that it frustrated me that the neighbor would call the city instead of first talking to our friend, or offering to help. We agreed taht it was the way of the world, but that hopefully our work would be a witness to the neighbors.

As we worked, we came around to the topic of going where God ahs called you. This friend, J., had spent many many years in the mission fields. I asked her how she knew that she was supposed to go. She said, "You know, it's funny. I never received a 'call.' I just knew that I had to go. I thought about the verse in Isaiah, where God asks for a volunteer and Isaiah says that he is willing." She then went on to say that we don't have to wait for the "call" in areas that we know God has already commissioned us--- such as spreading the Word, loving one another, etc.

Wow. She's right, ya know. (As TPJ --The Pantless Jedi-- would say). Too often, we find ourselves waiting for God. But are we really waiting for God? Or are we procrastinating? I know for me, it's procrastination. I already know that I should be talking to others about Christ, that I should be showing love in everything, extending grace as it has been extended to me. But still I procrastinate.

Here am I. Lord, send me.

I will continue to talk to God daily, to rest in His word, to seek His will. But I will also go ahead and take action, instead of procrastinating.

Our God Reigns.

Other notes of interest:

Our basement is mostly done. YAY! Looks wonderful, and I can see myself hanging out down there.
I started running again two weeks ago. I'm up to a half a mile without stopping. My goal is to be back up to my two miles a day by June.
My children are simply amazing. Every day they blow my mind.
Michael Johns!!!! NO!!!!!!!
I love Spring.

Riddle

2008-03-25T06:56:00.002-05:00

Are you ready??

What do you get when you cross a very deep pothole (not your average pothole) and a close to the ground fun to drive Mazda 3????

Figure it out yet??? NEW TIRES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

About 40 minutes into my trip to Georgia yesterday, I hit one such pothole, in one such car. Chunks outta both front tires. I had two police officers out there trying to help me change a tire (we didn't know there was a chunk out of the other tire yet). Couldn't do it between the three of us (wheel might have been bent) so one of the very very very nice Kentucky Police officers took me down to a truck stop (daughter of truckers, its where I feel comfortable) where I made calls to my Roadside Assistance program. Waited for the tow truck to come get me and return to my car---and then go to the tire store. Oh-- and did I mention that I had two children with me? TPJ and Starbuck were in fine form. Really. They were terrific.

So, five hours later, we made it back on the road. With four new tires and a precisely aligned front end. Nice. Made mountain driving fun.

Got in about 11.30. Starbuck decided to wake up completely. I put her in bed with me (something I hardly EVER do) and got the treat of her wiggling all around the bed all night. Little stinker. TPJ, of course, slept like the dead. Siiiiigh.

But I'm home. And the weather is nice. And the cats are huddled by the back door, looking for food. Couldn't ask for much more---except maybe sleep. :)

Flood

2008-03-20T21:57:00.002-05:00

Ok. So. It's been a wee bit wet lately. Um yeah. Like, um, multiple inches upon inches wet! So wet, in fact, that our basement flooded for the first time ever in the four years we've lived here. Our sump pump couldn't keep up with the water. YIKES.

Guess what we spent last night doing? Ripping up sopping wet carpet and carpet pads. Moving furniture. Moving boxes. Sopping up water with towels, mops, and wet vacs. Freezing toes. It was NOT a fun evening. Ok, well, it kinda was! We had some maaaavelous friends who came over to help work on the sump pump and to help us pull up carpet. Couldn't have done it without them, honestly.

But hey, it's all goooood! Because it's spring break! And I'm headed home next week. Wait---aren't I home now? As TPJ would say-"Duh!" Of course I'm in ONE home now, my current home. But the home of my childhood, the home of my deep down---that would be in Georgia, thank you very much! Haven't been home since Christmas, and believe me, I'm looking forward to it.

Job is good. Very very very good! I'm settling in with my co workers, getting in the groove again. Not that I wasn't before, but some invisible barrier has been broken, ya know? Where I was just listening to conversations, laughing at the right times, inserting a comment here or there, I am now contributing to conversations, making people laugh, and my comments are becoming anticipated. :):) I think it's a good thing.

I'm a bit crabby this week, despite the, or perhaps because of, the excitement of going home soon. I've been ill this week, which never helps. But all is better now. And hopefully I'll be nicer tomorrow!

OH---and Starbuck??? The child is, according to my mother, an awful lot like me. My red hair will shortly turn grey, I'm sure. Between her and TPJ, I'm gonna either go crazy or burst with pride---which one will happen first, I dunno!!! All I know is that my children are the apples of my eyes.

Ding Dong....

2008-02-27T12:32:00.002-05:00

So it's been a week since the good news came down. Remember that assistant who was sabotaging me? Saying that I was mistreating the kids, etc?

She resigned. Yep.

Work is going well. It is a bit hectic at the moment--- too many snow days last week and not enough time to get things done now. Sigh.

Kids are good. My MIL wants to take Starbuck for a week. I think I'm ready for it. I think.
TPJ is quite the reader these days. Yesterday, he read a book to Starbuck. The only word he didn't know was "gently" and he tried to figure that one out. Yay for my boy! :)

Aaron is staying busy these days. Now if only the clients would pay him.... :(

Our computer died on Sunday. Crash. Boom. Pbbbbbt. Yep, just froze up and DIED. Do you think we had regular back ups scheduled on the external hard drive? HA!!! Ok, our last one was in September. But here's the thing! We knew the computer was dying. The hard drive was wheezing for about a week. But did we bother to run a back up? HA!!! Could be worse though, right? Sure! Could be that my laptop is on it's last legs too. Oh. Wait. It is. Darn it.

So we went out and got an emachine on Monday. Thanks to Shan for raving about his! It's quite nice. We don't have our new monitor yet, but let me tell you that I am looking forward to a flat screen monitor!!!! In the Spring, a new laptop will follow. Happiness abounds.

Ok. Lunch is almost over. 6 minutes to go before I have to be in the classroom. And since I am trying to do a bottle of water every two hours, I better head to the bathroom! HA!

Short stories and Winter

2008-02-17T23:17:00.002-05:00

For some reason, I have these very defined cycles in my life. For instance, in the summer, I have chronic insomnia. I do not sleep very much at all in the summer, typically. And it doesn't really bother me. In the winter, I crave short stories. How weird is that? :)

So anyhow, here it is, February, and I'm in my short story mode. My latest reading adventure is the Alfred Hitchcock Mystery Magazine Presents: Fifty Years of Mysteries. These are some of the best mysteries I've ever read.

My Starbuck turned one year old today. She's a turkey pie. I'll be posting pictures of her celebration sometime this week. The one of her eating cake is the best, I think. She was squishing it in her hands and smearing it in her head. As is typical of children her age, she preferred the wrapping paper to the actual presents.

I think my battery is about to die on my laptop. I really want a new laptop, but alas it is just that--- a want, not a need. And right now, we're living in a cash only household, as we settle into our five year plan of getting out of debt---- well, mostly out of debt. We'll still have the mortgage and student loans, but they'll be reduced.

Wow, I really rambled and babbled. Wow.

Off now.

Forgetful Man

2008-02-12T21:52:00.001-05:00

My husband... what can I say about him? He's cute. He's funny. He's pretty smart. He's incredibly forgetful. For example:

On Saturday, we went to the mall so that I could get my classes adjusted and so that TPJ could go to Krazy City. Before we went, I asked Aaron to change Starbuck's diaper, which he did.

So we're eating supper in the food court and Starbuck was quite fussy, which is unlike her when there is food in front of her. I reached down and adjusted her in her seat. My hand came away wet. I wondered aloud if her bottle had leaked. Aaron looked at me and said, "I did remember to put a diaper on her, didn't I?" I replied that I didn't know and lifted her out of the stroller. I patted her butt---- NO DIAPER, but a wet behind. So I handed her over to Aaron so that she wasn't sitting in her pee, and I laughed at him as I finished my grilled chicken salad. :)

You may laugh at my husband now.

Come on, People.

2008-01-30T06:39:00.001-05:00

I love my new job. I truly do. I feel as though I was led here and that there are reasons why I have this job. The paperwork is daunting, but nothing I can't handle. The kids are challenging but again, no one that I can't handle. Of my two assistant teachers, one is someone whom I click with. The other, ahhhhh---therein lies the biggest fly in this soup.

Here's the sitch--- she was the interim lead teacher. I came along. She's no longer the lead, but bumped back down to asst. teacher. She resents me for this. (To be fair, she'd resent anyone who stepped into this job) She is making my job harder than it needs to be. From hiding (YES! HIDING!) lesson plans my first week in the classroom, to calling my boss to report anything that she sees as a negative in our classroom---she's done it all---in my first THREE WEEKS! Yesterday, I was so angry at her that I couldn't handle looking at her. I was actually tempted to sign "Bitch" at her numerous times during the day. But I didn't. Because I had something better to combat her with.

I texted a number of my praying friends. I asked them to pray immediately for me and this situation. At lunch, I went to another classroom and spent some time in prayer. I came home and talked it to death with Aaron. I exercised. I went to bed and Aaron prayed for me.

Now I'm up early, spent some time in prayer, and am going to get to my classroom early. Because I'm going to rearrange the whole dang room. I've been taking things slowly for this girl, because she doesn't adjust well to change, she ways. You see where my niceness has gotten me? Having to look over my shoulder every moment of my day instead of interacting and teaching my children. Uh uh. So, I'm going to go ahead and implement the changes that I've wanted to do since day one. And if she doesn't like it, well, she's going to be gone for the next two weeks while she recovers from gall bladder surgery.

I'm not implementing these changes to be vengeful. I figure I have nothing to lose--- it's obvious that nothing I do will make this girl accept me as her lead teacher--so why bother trying to cater to her???

Ok. Off. I love my job. I love my family. I love my life. I even love this asst. teacher. But I sure do detest her mindset.

First day

2008-01-07T18:18:00.000-05:00

So today was my first day at my new job. I have a new job with Head Start and TIP in my county. It was good. I'm going to change a few things in my classroom, but I figure I won't do all the changes all at once, ya know?

I'm where I was meant to be, I think. I'm tired, but in a good way. I'm not frustrated with my kids at home. I'm happy to be home. Life is good.

Ranting about Happiness

2008-01-02T14:19:00.000-05:00

Ok. I'm about to rant big time. If you're offended, and for some of you, I sincerely hope you are, perhaps this is the wake up call you need, or the smack from the Almighty. This is mainly directed at professed Christians who claim to take their faith seriously. This isn't directed at any ONE person, believe me. But if you feel like it's directed at you, perhaps you ought not to get mad at me (though I know a few of you will, and won't read my blog anymore), but perhaps you ought to take to heart a few things, and get down on your knees.

Where the heck did we ever get the idea that our happiness was more important than doing the right thing? Tell me, where in the Bible does it say that our happiness supercedes God's will for our lives? We are told to ask, and it will be given to us. But for most of us, we take and assume that because we wanted it, God would have eventually given it to us anyhow.

I'm specifically speaking of marriage and leaving your marriage for someone else. This has happened to more than one couple that I know of in the past year. And it makes me sad, makes me angry, and frustrates me to no end. To top it off, these are couples, people who profess a faith in Christ. Yet they must not understand what it truly means to have FAITH in Christ.

Here's the thing. If you're a Christian, your JOY comes from obedience in Christ. Happiness is fleeting and dependent upon circumstances.

Where do I get the right to go off like this? Well, here's my right. Two years ago, I was going to leave my marriage for someone else, who made me "happier" than my husband did. Wanna hear something funny? It was someone online. I had no idea if I would be "happier," in person or not. But hey, we were soul mates, right? My marriage was rough, darn it. Two deaths in the space of a year, money troubles, communication issues,---I was NOT happy. And as I said over and over to my BFF, Jenni, "God doesn't want me to be unhappy, does he?"

No, God doesn't want you to be unhappy. But he does want you to be obedient. Think of your children, if you have any. What's more important? Their obedience in all situations, or their happiness? TPJ frequently wants to do things that will make him happy, but also make him disobedient to what Aaron and I have decided for him. Am I going to let him eat candy til he's sick? No. That would make him happy. But he obeys me and picks out one piece. And he's happy these days, with one piece. Did we have to teach him how to obey us? Yes. And was it hard? Yes indeed. But eventually, the struggles stopped, and our approval and happiness with his obedience is where he finds his joy.

Same with your marriage. Is it gonna be rough? Is it gonna suck sometimes? Heck yeah. But in most of our marriage vows, it ends with something like, "What God has brought together, let no man tear apart." And far too often, we are disobedient to that decree. We allow ourselves to be torn apart. We are disobedient to what God wants for us, thinking that as long as we're happy, God will forgive us and it will all be ok. It may be, eventually. But there will be consequences.

Do I have no tolerance for divorce? Um, no. Both of my parents are on their third marriages. My sister is divorced. Divorce is rampant in our culture, and if I had no tolerance for those who are divorced, I would find myself very lonely, indeed.

What I have no tolerance for is this attitude that what we want, what makes us happy, is more important than what God wants for us. God wants our happiness, have no doubt about that. But he wants our happiness according to HIS plan, not ours.

If you've left your marriage, if you've divorced for someone else, well, that's in the past now, isn't it? But please acknowledge that you've done wrong. You've wronged yourself, your former spouse, the former spouse of your new "love," your children, your family. Don't try to justify it by saying, "But I'm happier now than I've ever been." Great for you. Hooray for your happiness. Was your happiness more important than your child's happiness? Was your happiness more important than doing the right thing, and working on things?

God will forgive you if you've done this---if you've left your marriage to pursue "happiness," whatever form that "happiness" takes. But he does require submission. He requires you to acknowledge that you've screwed up. And then he asks that you "go and sin no more." You don't have to get back into your marriage--- in a few of the situations that I'm thinking about, that so would not be a good thing at all--- but you do have to repent and get out of your current "happiness," whatever that is. Did you leave for someone else? Gotta get rid of them. Did you leave to have time to yourself? Suck it up, no man is an island. Did you leave to pursue a career? Tough tits, babe--- your job may have to go out the window.

If you are somewhere in your life that you got to because you directly disobeyed God, it's time to leave that place. It's time to turn around and tell God that you're sorry.

I've been there, brothers and sisters. I'm still there, quite frequently. But my everlasting JOY comes from obedience to my Christ. And he enables me to love when I'd rather smack, smile when I'd rather cry, and stay when I'd rather run. Not just in my marriage, but in all aspects of my life.

I would apologize for offending you. But I can't. For all of you to whom this hits too close to home-- if I know you, you know I love you. I will always love you. I won't accept your sin, but I will always accept you. And for the one whom I know this seems like it's directed at--- it's not just you, babe. Trust me. There are others.

Tis the Season

2007-12-18T09:13:00.001-05:00

Tis the Season to be puking
fa la la la la, la la la la.
Now we take off our pukey jammies
fa la la la la, la la la la.

Yep. Starbuck started puking on Saturday.
I started getting icky on Sunday.
Starbuck started going from the other end on Monday.
I ran a fever on Monday.
TPJ started puking when it was BARELY Tuesday. 12.30 am

I've been taking meds. TPJ is taking it easy. And Starbuck has become accustomed to the Butt Paste that I'm smearing on her. Ahhhh, life is good.

Seriously, better now than next week, right? Because next week, it's the rounds with the relatives, trips to the south, and overall family mania!

Let me just tell you, that Chuck E. Cheese pizza is NASTY coming back up.

And now I'm done.

Poor Maggalicious

2007-12-15T12:06:00.000-05:00

She's got the hiccups. Have you ever seen a puppy with hiccups? It is highly amusing! She just got them scared out of her---Cici the cat has entered the room and they are sizing each other up. Mag wants to play. Cici wants to eat. And they both think that I am their personal, private territory. Mag and I fell asleep together on the couch last night, which Cici didn't like, because she wanted my hair---but she won't get too close to the dog. It makes for funny animal politics around here. Almost as good as Meerkat Manor.

I feel that I should take this opportunity to write in my blog, as one child is at a friend's house and the other is asleep. Yet I find myself with nothing to say. Bleh. Aaron says "Maybe you should wait and post later." Maybe he's right. He's been right before. But don't tell him I admitted that. :)

Over and Out.

Itchin Life

2007-12-13T12:18:00.000-05:00

I have little teeny tiny bumps alllllll over, in allll areas, that itch like mad. I am the only one in the house with these bumps, so we've determined that they're NOT buggy bites. I haven't changed anything in the laundry (at least not that hasn't been rectified since the discovery of the bumps) or in my body wash. Yet they keep appearing. I went to the dr. He recommended that I go to a dermatologist. It has been so bad that I was biting myself in my sleep the other night. Just like an animal! The wonderful friends that I have (and adore) suggested that I get a lampshade and put it around my neck when I sleep, to keep me from biting in my sleep. Smart a$$e$. :)

Starbuck is taking steps. She'll be 10 months old next week. She's dangerous. She's a bottomless pit when it comes to food. If you are eating something, be prepared to share. If you don't share, you'll get a headache from the screeching. Trust me. I don't know where this girl has come from. She's so stubborn, hard headed, determined, yet sweet, cute, funny, and cuddly. I'm rather fond of her. :)

TPJ is worth a blog, all by himself. I can't even begin to tell you all the funny things that he does---from checking our speed when we're driving (darn backseat driver), to holding my face in his hands at night and declaring, "I really do love you, Mommy." He's the light of my life. How I love that child.

Sometimes my love for them is a physical ache in the middle of me. Lord, how I love them.

Which brings me to something that has been on my mind all week.

Last week, I watched Evan Almighty. We had heard that it wasn't as good as Bruce, but then, what sequel is ever as good as the original? Evan was. In fact, I thought it was better. Why? Simple---it had a much more spiritual theme to it. Bruce was hilarious, slapstick, goofy fun. Evan was similar---some tired gags--but what a message.

At one point, Evan is talking to God (played by the wonderfully talented Morgan Freeman) and says, "But you don't understand! This isn't part of MY plan." God sputters and laughs and says, "Your plan?" while shaking his head in amusement. I think that's exactly how the real God feels about us sometimes. "Your plan???"

The last part was my favorite. Evan says, "The flood, the vote, my neighbors, you knew it was going to happen all the time. But I fought you every step of the way." And God replies with,"But you did as I asked you to."

Wow. We may fight Him every step of the way. We may doubt him. We may feel sheepish, embarrassed, or goofy. But if we do what He asks of us---what a reward!! For Evan, it was saving himself and his family. For us, it may not be so drastic. But it might be.

I'm trying to seek His will in everything I do these days. I'm trying to be quiet enough to hear Him. He is Awesome. And He has a plan. And He knows what He's doing. Sometimes I wonder if His insides ache with love for us. Sometimes I wonder if tears well up in his eyes as he gazes at us, watching us grow and learn.

I think if you've ever experienced pure human love--whether it is the love between a parent and a child, between spouses, between family, between friends, then you've felt a fraction of what God feels for us. How amazing!

New Adventures

2007-12-10T10:28:00.000-05:00

I read my friend SarahCool's blog as often as I can---which isn't as often as I'd like---and she's insanely busy. She got a different role in her job a few months ago, and it has her flying all over, getting to see new places and people. I was a little --not jealous-- but perhaps wistful-- about her new role, because it's the sort of thing I'd love to do---in another life. I can't travel as much as she does, I have kids and a husband, and at the moment, they have to be my priority. So anyhow, reading about her adventures and meltdowns :) (love ya, Sarah) prompted me to take on a new (ad)venture.

I've done the direct sales route before. Tupperware, baskets, blah, blah. And I always seem to fizzle. They are great jobs for those who are motivated. And I usually am. At first. Then I just spit and sputter and the enthusiasm goes out. Until I got started with South Main Designs. Yep, another direct sales company. I am mega excited!!!

South Main Designs is based in Findlay, Ohio. They sell accessories--scarves, hats, jewelery, key chains, etc. AND! The products are affordable. I love that part. AND! Most of the jewelry is available as a set or as individual items. The set option comes in handy for people like me, who are accessory challenged.

Anyhow, I'm loving my new company. They offer the best support for their consultants. I've never had a company follow up the way that they do, or offer coaching calls, or any of the things that SMD does. Awesome.

So, I'm asking all of my faithful readers to check out SouthMainDesigns.com and if you like what you see, send me an email! (you can get to my email from my profile) Don't buy off of the site---support your favorite blogging South Main Designs consultant! Not that the site isn't a great resource---but wouldn't you rather help ME put food on the table and clothes on my kids? :):) Thanks!!!

Dinah, oh Dinah

2007-12-04T20:57:00.000-05:00

I've got her in my head tonight. Dinah Washington. The most amazing jazz singer ever. My brother introduced me to her when I was 15. I mentioned that I liked jazz, and the next thing I knew, he had gotten me a Dinah Washington cassette tape. I've since upgraded to a CD, but I think I have the cassette somewhere.

So anyhow, tonight I'm humming, "I Could Write a Book..." about the way you laugh, the way you whisper, the way you look. It's in my head. Which is odd, because my favorite is probably "What a Difference a Day Makes," which has been done by so many artists. Yet that is what is in my head. Who knows why.

But I'm playing Wild Horses on the speakers. Because my Dinah MP3's aren't working. Sigh. So I'l just keep her in my head while I listen to other melancholy songs that don't lift me the same way that she does.

And the Thanks Go Out To....

2007-11-28T20:46:00.000-05:00

My thanks to the following people:

Thank you to the friends who know that something is wrong just by the tone of my voice and who insist on coming over to chill, despite my protestations that everything is ok.

Thank you to the husband who cuddles his cold body up against mine every night, regardless of how I've treated him during the day.

Thank you my son who hugs me tightly around my neck even after we've growled at each other.

Thank you to my daughter for finally sleeping through the night consistently.

Thank you to the long time best friend who hits the nail on the head every time.

Thank you to the cashier at the grocery store who was hopped up on sugar and caffeine and ran my coupons through four times. Seriously. Thank you.

I couldn't have done it without y'all.

Oh, and thank you to the manufacturers of the deworming medicine for my doggy. :)

GoodTimes!

2007-11-25T10:17:00.000-05:00

We got in from Georgia last night around 2 am. Took us approximately 6.25 hours. Good time, good times!

We brought something back with us from Georgia, something we weren't planning on bringing. We have added a new member to our family, bringing us to 4 humans and 4 animals. We are accustomed to animals of the feline persuasion, but we are not accustomed to animals of the canine persuasion. Nevertheless, we have adopted a beautiful little puppy, who shall hereafter be named Maggie Snowflake. Snowflake was the name she came to us with, and I decided that she looks like a Maggie---plus, the whole Simpsons naming thing in our animal family...

I've not had a puppy since I was TPJ's age, I don't think. It was an interesting experience last night when we got home. I gave Maggie a blanket with a heating pad under it, right next to our bed. But she wanted to be cuddled with me, so I slept for part of the night on the floor, next to her. I have no idea how to go about training her for the house, so I'll be heading to the library today for dog training books. As soon as we hit the pet store for some food, collar, leash, etc. Oh, and I have to look up dog licenses for our area. She sure is a lot of work. But she sure is cute, too.

I think Aaron's waiting to use the computer, so off I'll go to shower. And clean up any mess Maggie has made. :)

Updates Galore

2007-11-16T07:05:00.000-05:00

Jen--The Grocery Game is also known as Teri's List. You have to pay a small amount, but in return, Teri compiles a list of what's on sale at your neighborhood grocery, along with what coupons to use and how many of each item to buy. I log on every Tuesday, browse through the list, and print out the items that I need. Then I go through my massive coupon collection, find the coupons I need, and head to the store. We have had to buy a shelving unit for our basement to hold all of our extras. The concept is to stockpile while things are on sale so that you don't ever have to pay full price for anything. LOVE IT!

I think Carl Cat is on his next life. The cat has seriously undergone a personality change since his brush with death. He's letting kids pet him. He's getting up on tables. He's cuddling. I'll take the changes, if it means we get to keep Carl for a while.

Word of Advice: Don't let your 16lb cat sleep on your head. Makes for a killer neck ache in the morning. Cici is immovable in the middle of the night. My poor neck.

I'm going crazy with my job. It's not the kids--I have some of the best kids. It's that I don't get to leave my house. I'm exhausted, I'm cranky. I don't like this. Aaron and I have been talking about me finding a job outside of the house, preferably one with insurance. Right now, we pay for our own insurance and it's a whopping 550.00 a month. That is a rough payment some months. But so much depends on Starbuck. I want to be able to watch over her. And I don't want TPJ to be stuck in daycare after school for a long time. So I'm praying and searching for the right thing to do.

Weight loss going good! I've made my goal of 5 lbs before Thanksgiving.

Sigh. Baby crying now, sentence fragments abound!

Thriftwise

2007-11-13T20:48:00.000-05:00

I'm such a cheapskate.

I bought a treadmill yesterday. At Goodwill. For seventeen dollars and fifty cents. I rock.

My brain hurts. Too much going on up in my brain.

Carl is still with us. Though he's acting a bit weird. Jumping up on tables, meowing constantly, allowing children to pet him---all very un-Carl-like behaviour. However, I'm willing to overlook such behaviour if he will only stay with us, in a healthy manner. :)

TPJ got his ants for his ant colony today. Do you know how I feel about ants? Despise. Ok, no, that's a bit strong. I have such a vivid imagination---I can feel ants crawling on me. It creeps me out. I had them crawl on me once, in south Georgia. Icky fire ants. Ick. Anyhow, I agreed to this ant colony. And it might be highly interesting. But so help me, if they ever escape and decide to come swarm my toes, I'm banning all creepy crawlies from my house, forever.

I think Starbuck might be weaning herself. I've been meaning to get aggressive about her weaning, especially since she has teeth now. But somehow, it's been hard to give it up---emotionally, physically, etc. Today, however, my pretty little girl would have nothing to do with nursing. She only wanted the bottle. She nursed just enough to get my milk to let down (takes a whopping 5 seconds) and then demanded the bottle. I guess I can deal with this. She's eating so much re

I love the Grocery Game. Teri's List. Whatever. It has saved us sooooooooooo much money in the past 6 months! I have food and other items stored up to my ears. This week, we spent under 70.00 on groceries. AWESOME!!! Other weeks, we may spend as much as we usually do---but get twice the amount of groceries. WAHOO!

I'm tired. Muy tiredo.

Whoa

2007-11-07T04:17:00.000-05:00

It has been a WEEK! Or two.

Starbuck is teething. Oh joy. This is coming on the heels of her ear infection. Fun. And she's climbing. In fact, she climbed into her car seat, tipped it over, and split her lip. Yep. Looks terrible. Like I beat her or something.

TPJ spent the weekend camping with friends. In a camper, lest you think it was too cold for him. He came home filthy, smelling of wood smoke and hacking with allergies. Amid many great protests, we bathed him, and wa la--the allergies stopped and our clean boy emerged.

The past two days have been particularly stressful. Starbuck wanted me to sleep with her Monday night. To the extent that she woke up EVERY time I tried to get her into her crib. And cried. And cried. And cried. I ended up cuddling her all night. I know, I know, fostering bad sleep habits, blah blah. But her gums are hurting and she just needs comfort. And by golly, she'll get it from me. On Tuesday, I went downstairs and discovered Carl the Cat laying in his own filth, meowing piteously. I rushed over to him, saw that he was frothing and drooling and knew something wasn't right. He couldn't even stand up.

Called my daycare subs and friends. Got Carl to the vet. Had to leave him there as they got his body temp back up to normal and rehydrated him. Worried alllllll day, figured he was a goner. Talked to the vet about our options. She suggested that we bring him home, nurse him a little to see what happened. Got him home. He HOPPED out of his basket and went behind a chair. He had recovered muscle use!!! I put him back in his basket, just to be safe. Don't want cat pee everywhere. He hasn't moved unless picked up since, but he's voluntarily eaten a little. Still hasn't taken any water, so I'm going to have to force him today.

Which explains why I am downstairs, typing at 4.24 am. Had to check on Carl and make sure he wasn't in need of a towel change or something.

And now, I'm going back to bed for about two hours. Thanks for reading. Sleep overcometh.

Oh, Mozart

2007-10-29T21:40:00.000-05:00

She's dead. Dead by a passing jackal or some other predator. And just after she and William found each other. Drat the Whiskers for raiding the Commandos on the day that William took her back to his clan.

She was such a resilient girl. Leaving the Whiskers, forming her own group, only to have Kinkajou take the role of Dominant Female. Having a miscarriage, then finally having babies of her own, only to have her sister cruelly murder them. Losing all seven members of her group, being the sole survivor. And now she's dead.

Who the heck? Mozart from Meerkat Manor!!! I love the show. My heart broke today when I watched my TiVo'd episode. As William searched for Mozart and found her body lying in the sand, oh how I wanted to cry. But I kept my tears inside.

That's all I have to say. My heart is heavy for Mozart. And though I know it is the cycle of life and death in the Kalahari desert, I still ache for this promising young Meerkat, struck down before she had a chance to realize her potential. She could have been as strong as Flower, I think.

God Moments with TPJ

2007-10-27T07:17:00.000-05:00

TPJ and I like to cuddle at the end of the day. Daddy reads him a book, I tell him a made up story, we all pray together, and then Daddy kisses him while I lay beside him, just to cuddle for a few minutes.

This is our special time together. I am not laying down with him so that he falls asleep. Rather, I am laying with him so that he gets some undivided Mommy attention. Some nights he does this with Daddy instead---if he has something he wants to talk to Daddy about instead of Mommy.

So, last night, TPJ has all of his stick people in bed with him. His what? Yes, he took craft sticks (21 of them) and drew faces on all of them. They are his stick people. He has names for them and everything. Anyhow. Here's our conversation from last night.

"Mommy, do you love my stick friends?"
"Well, I don't really know them."
"I made them, so I know them really well, Mommy."
"Well, if you love them, then I love them, honey."
"If you made people, I'd love them. And if Daddy made people, I'd love them. And if Starbuck, when she's old enough made people, I'd love them. I made these people, so I love them."
"Hmmm. I wonder if that's how God feels about us. He made us, so he loves us. What do you think?"
"Yep. God made us and so he loves us. And we love each other because God made us."

It took my breath away, the simplicity of his faith. A little child shall lead them.

And then, as I'm leaving his room:
"Hey TPJ, thanks for doing such a good job of listening today."
"I tried to be the best that I could, Mommy."
I walked back into his room, hugged him, and said, "You are always the best TPJ. I love you."
"I love you, too, Mommy. Don't shut my door all the way. mmmmwa."

Danger Zone

2007-10-15T16:26:00.000-05:00

Starbuck should have a Caution sign on her. This is what I have decided. Maybe I'll make her a sign for Halloween...

She has an ear infection. In some ways, I'm almost glad, because it has slowed her down a bit. She actually cuddled yesterday, instead of pushing away so that she could get down and crawl. Anyhow. She's on antibiotics. This is good. Except that she's getting into trouble again. Even now, as I type, she is sitting at my feet, chewing on her daily fiber---- my computer paper...

TPJ is turning into a REAL BOY. He dedicated his toy rifle to me, and while I am less than thrilled about the toy rifle (I HATE THE TOY RIFLE), I am thrilled that he dedicated it to me. He even wrote my name on it. Wow. Of course, he wrote his kindergarten teacher a love letter. Sigh. He has about four girlfriends on the school bus. They pass him around like a piece of choice meat. Apparently he's quite popular.

This week is BUSY!!!! MIL's 60th birthday party on Sunday. Before that--- friends from out of town staying with us, church board meeting, worship practice, bonfire at church, possible Mom's Night Out on Friday, extra kid for babysitting---- maybe some sleep and food in there somewhere. Plus, TPJ wants to go back to the animal shelter, where we volunteered on Saturday. He likes walking the doggies. Except for when they pull him.

I'm tinkering with myspace. If you feel like checking it out, I think my page is: myspace.com/rettenej

Nothing new to report. Over and out!!!

Wisdom

2007-10-11T09:30:00.000-05:00

"Paul talks about 'fighting the good fight,' and I know he means 'to have fought well,' but could one actually be fighting a 'bad fight'? Of course we can. We spend our life energy fighting all the wrong things. If you are fighting your reality, not fighting to make it better, but fighting to make it not be yours right now, then you are engaged in the wrong battle. If you are not accepting where you are so that you can chart a path to where you know you need to go, you are not fighting the right fight." --Anita Renfroe, If You Can't Lose it, Decorate it (And other hip alternatives to dealing with reality)

Wow. I read the above passage this morning as I was standing at the bathroom sink, brushing my teeth, waiting for the shower to warm up. (Yes, we keep books and magazines in every bathroom, and I read almost every second that I'm not in the shower.)

As I was taking a quick shower (Starbuck was wailing in the background, and Aaron was getting up to get her, but I think he fell back asleep for a few minutes...) I pondered this passage. Because my spirit has been on this subject lately. Acceptance of where you are. Acceptance of who you are. Knowing what you can and cannot change.

And I'm struck by how much I obsess over that I cannot REALLY change. For instance, my height. Ok, I can wear tall shoes. But I'll NEVER be above five feet tall. In fact, I'm going to start shrinking someday. I need to accept this. Then there are my thighs. Oh, I can get in shape, run, lift weights, all that. My thighs will be toned. But they're never going to be the size of my upper arms. And I've just got to deal with that.

Beyond the physical-- I can't change the fact that those that I love are mortal and must someday leave this earth. I have to accept that and stop fighting.

When I think of all the wasteful ways in which I expend my energy, I have to cringe. There are days that I feel totally drained, simply because I've used all my energy to fighting battles that are impossible to win.

"Celebration is more a state of mind than an event, and I believe that anyone can learn to be a celebrator, even in the celebratory gene isn't in your DNA or wasn't expressed in your growing up environment."

Blitzkrieg just wrote a blog about happiness, and doing whatever makes you happy. Read it, please. She makes good points. We allow ourselves to be influenced by too many external things, we allow ourselves to get caught up in fighting the battles that we have no business fighting. Instead, we should be celebrating life and finding our joy!!!

One Night Forward, Two Nights Back

2007-10-08T10:02:00.000-05:00

Starbuck went a whole nine hours without eating the other night. She only had to be comforted ONCE during that nine hours. I slept. Very. Well.

And then last night, she started getting a snotty nose. Ick. Green snot. Ick. So she woke up every few hours because she couldn't breathe and suck on her paci or her fingers. And I was up every other hour because I couldn't breathe either--- allergies are causing my chest to be congested and heavy. Ugh.

I hope when she's better, we're not set back too far in this whole good sleeping thing!!!

My mom stopped in for some sleep and company. I was so glad to see her. Yes, Mama, false pride is not necessary, but you know how hard it is to admit when you need help and that your fairy tale life isn't all pixie dust.... thanks for understanding, mi mama!

My friend Mindy wrote a blurb about me on her Myspace. She says that my blog is like a daily sitcom! HA! I wish it were that interesting. Or that easy. Or that lucrative!

You know what I love about most of my friends? Their contentment. I was just thinking about my closest friends, and this thought surprised me. Most of my close friends are extremely happy with their lives. Madly in love with their spouses, crazy about (and because of) their kids, and in good places in life. Now, not all of us are there--- life takes some turns that make it hard to be happy sometimes--- but those are just detours.

I think, too often, we are so focused on getting what we want, on getting to a point where happiness is sure to be, that we forget to be happy with who and what we are NOW. That doesn't mean that we have to be complacent and apathetic. But there's such joy in accepting yourself and where you are. Understanding what you can change and what you can't. I think, at age 30, I may finally be understanding this.

Life is good. Even if sleep is not! :)

Starbuck Frightens Me!

2007-10-04T16:22:00.000-05:00

The child has no fear. None. What. So. Ever. NONE!

She's going up stairs now. She's made it up two in our hall stairway. Of course, she fell down one too. Thankfully, carpet and Mommy are good cushions.

She's exploring the outside. Grass? Bugs? Thistles? This girl isn't intimidated by any of them!

Showers thrill her! Water on her face? HA!

And that vacuum cleaner? That loud noise and big yellow thing? Let's try to ride it!!!

She is so much more adventurous than TPJ was at this age. Or maybe it's that she's a heck of a lot more mobile. Dunno which. But it scares the crapola outta me!

She's doing this thing now, where she decides that she likes something and kinda wiggles her whole upper body in pleasure. Similar to how a dog's body wiggles when their tail wags. Cracks me up!

Pictures of Aaron are pending--- he hasn't allowed me to take any yet....

2007-09-29T09:02:00.000-05:00

Starbuck apparently likes ice cream. Rainbow sherbet, to be precise. We went to an ice cream place last night, after spending time at Half Price Books (our favorite family destination--- TPJ got a Captain Underpants book, I got two Buffy books, two Mary Janice Davidson books, two Larry McMurtry books, and one Chicken Soup for the Soul book, a toddler cd, an activity book, and Aaron got.... um, I don't know...) and Starbuck insisted on trying ice cream. I couldn't give her any of mine, I had peanut butter chip, and peanuts are just not a good idea for kiddos under age one. So TPJ gave her a taste of his rainbow sherbet. She kept demanding MORE! Then Aaron gave her a taste of his fried ice cream ice cream (that seems weird to write...) and she LOVED that too! We cut her off after a few spoonfuls though, despite her protests. The child is only 7 months, after all! She also likes anything that Mommy is drinking--well, ok, I usually have water or lemonade, since I'm caffeine-less--- but she likes to have those dropped into her mouth with the straw. Crazy girl!

Anniversary was wonderful. We went to Pappadeaux, a lovely restaurant. We shared the lobster special--- three 1 lb lobsters for 30.00-- and a slice of key lime pie. I was sorely tempted by the other desserts (praline cheesecake!!!) but I knew that the key lime was the right choice!

Um. Hm. Is there anything new to update? I dunno.

Someone honked at me yesterday, for not turning right fast enough to please them. That really irritates me. I don't have the best depth perception and when I have kids in the car, I am very cautious about turning into traffic. So I was at a stop sigh, and while I MIGHT have been able to make it, I decided to let a car pass by me before I turned. I drive an SUV with a V6 engine--- it has power, but not necessarily get up and go power. So I played it safe. And they honked at me! I deliberately turned VERY slowly after that. Mean of me, I know.

TPJ and I picked up a dog yesterday that was wandering in the neighborhood. It had tags, so we called the police and found where the dog lived. We returned it and TPJ was very sad about this. "Mommy, I wish that dog didn't have a family so that we could have kept it." It's time to get him a dog. He really likes them. I do too. I just don't like the clean up or the vet's bills. Sigh. But it's time.

Aaron got a haircut!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you know my husband, you'll know that he's had the same hair style for about 20 years. I'll post before and after pics!

The Nightingale by Julee Cruise, for Aaron

2007-09-26T12:38:00.000-05:00

For Aaron:

the nightingale
it said to me
there is a love
meant for me

the nightingale
it flew to me
and told me
that it found my love

he said one day
i'll meet you
our hearts will fly
with the nightingale

the nightingale
he told me
one day
you will be with me

the nightingale
said he knew
that your love
would find my love one day

my heart flies
with the nightingale
through the night
all across the world

i long to see you
to touch you
to love you
forever more

**********************************************************************************

Well Aaron, we've made it through nine years of marriage, and over a decade of being a couple. There have been some rough spots, it's true. But the good has far outweighed the bad. And I can honestly say, I'm glad that I've gone through the good and the bad with you.

I keep writing things---how I hope we're sitting on the porch together for many more years, how I can't imagine life without you, etc. Yet it all seems so trite. I can't seem to express it all.

I know how fortunate I am to have you as my husband, Aaron. We mesh. I'm impulsive. You're thoughtful. I'm stingy. You're generous. I'm emotional. You're logical. I'm a girl. You're a boy. :) Yeah yeah, couldn't let it get too mushy in this public place, ya know!

I love you. Happy anniversary.

Out of the Mouth of My Boy

2007-09-23T20:37:00.000-05:00

So, let me tell you what TPJ said today. But first, a little background.

In case you don't know me in person, let me tell you a little about myself. I'm gullible. Highly. Even TPJ can pull my leg, and he's only five. (Whoa, that's weird to write.) I'm also pretty hard on myself and make fun of myself quite frequently. I do some dumb stuff, I'll admit it. But I enjoy myself. I admit my mistakes. I'm not afraid to screw up. I may look like an idiot sometimes, and usually, I'm the first to point out that I look like an idiot. There are those in my life who take pot shots at me constantly because of these qualities of mine. Most of the time, it's good natured teasing and I just let it roll off my back. Lately though, it's been bugging me. I feel disrespected, undervalued, underestimated, etc.

Now, here's the problem. That good natured teasing? Yeah, Aaron quite frequently engages in it with me. And usually I either give it right back to him, or smack him. :) But today, I wasn't feeling well, and he made a joke about my height (or rather, lack thereof). I totally went off on him, and as I climbed in the car, I said, "I'm sick of everyone making fun of me. Just because I'm short, redheaded and ugly, everyone thinks they can make fun of me and I'm just going to take it!" I was really on my high horse, and Aaron was trying to tell me that I was taking some pretty big leaps in rational thoughts there. Just then, TPJ pipes up from the backseat.

"Mommy, the only thing that is true is that you're redheaded. I don't think the other stuff is true, Mommy."

Tears came to my eyes. I climbed down off of my high horse. And I told my son thank you.

Eeew, Grody

2007-09-19T14:02:00.000-05:00

So I'm laying in bed last night, sprawled across the bed--- I went to bed early and had the whole thing to myself for a while! One foot was out of the covers, since that's how I have to have it in order to fall asleep. Odd, yes, I know. Anyhow, I heard Carl the cat come into the bedroom.

"Meeeooow?" he said.

"Mmmph, psst," I replied.

He took that as an invitation and jumped up on the bed. First he tried to headbutt my hand, but I quickly put it under the covers. Then he tried to headbutt my nose. I moved the pillow. Then he walked down the bed to my feet.

And wiped his cold wet nose across my toes. And then he sneezed cat spit all over my foot.

Eeeew, grody!

Inspired by Krieger

2007-09-17T06:14:00.000-05:00

Blitzkrieg inspired me with her daily account. Hers is the account of a professional, fantabulous teacher and woman. Here, you will find the daily account of a professional teacher, turned stay at home mom.

6 am: Starbuck stirs for her morning nip. I drag myself to her room, praying that she'll be quick about things so that I can climb back in bed for another 15 minutes. She is, and I do.

6.30 am: My alarm goes off. I shut it off, knowing that I can grab 10 more minutes of half sleep. In 8 minutes, I jump out of bed and turn on the shower. Brush my teeth while the water heats up, read a little bit of my Entertainment Weekly rag, then hop in the shower. This is my ONLY totally alone time in the morning. I take ten minutes to myself, then get moving for the day.

6:45 Starbuck wakes up for real and starts "talking" in her crib. She likes the tags on all of her crib toys and has full converstaions with them. I hurriedly get dressed and run a comb through my curly hair. Aaron's alarm goes off and he begins to stir.

If Starbuck isn't adamant yet, I let her talk to herself in her crib while I get myself a waffle or some other breakfast food that doesn't require the milk that I so desperately crave. Darn lactose intolerance!

7:00 Starbuck is pretty sure she wants to wake up now, so Aaron gets her out of bed and brings her downstairs. I put her on the floor with her toys while I try to wake up and sort out the day.

Any time after this, TPJ wakes up, and the day starts in earnest.

"Mommy, can I have blueberry oatmeal and milk? Can I eat my breakfast in front of the computer?" He asks as he comes down the stairs.

I get his blueberry oatmeal and milk, putting away the dishes from last night's dishwasher run as I do so. Can't start the day with dishes in the dishwasher. Can't put dirty dishes in the sink all day--- that eventually drives me a bit bonkers. Give TPJ his breakfast and make up some rice cereal for Starbuck. Feed her. Get rice cereal all over me, because Starbuck would really rather feed herself. And if she could keep the cereal on the spoon, I'd let her. Because I really hate starting out my day all crusty.

7:25-- Baby arrives for daycare. Baby is usually asleep, so I get the chance to get stuff arranged for the day-- bottles in the fridge, cloths out for mopping faces full of milk, etc.

7:35 Baby wakes up. Wants food. I heat up the bottle and begin to feed Baby. Of course, Starbuck, who is actually full, is jealous that Baby is eating. So I offer to nurse her, but what she really wants is to have some interaction. I make funny faces at her as I give Baby the bottle.

8:00 Feeding finished, now time for diaper changes. Ick.

8:25 The Eating Machine arrives, needing to be fed. Chat with TEM's mom for a few, then put TEM in the high chair. Starbuck sees this and immediately starts to clamor for food again. So I put her in the other high chair, toast her a waffle, and give it to her. TEM doesn't mind being fed, so that makes life easier.

8:35: TPJ gets on the bus for kindergarten.

9:00 Breakfast is over, and the day really begins. Books and puzzles are pulled off of their shelves, toys taken out of the toybox. Baby is put into the walker to play. If Baby is on the floor, Starbuck will crawl over to him and pull his hair. I think she's jealous of all that hair. Starbuck is surrounded by toys, but she really just wants to crawl everywhere and anywhere. The Eating Machine and I get out a bucket and some blocks. She loves to put things IN, so we spend a while doing this. Then someone spits up, so I get to clean that up. Then someone poops. Oh wait, it is TWO stinky diapers! WHOOHOO! Change the diapers, wash my hands, disinfect the changing table. Take the dirty diaper bag out to the garbage in the garage, keepingTEM from following me. The garage is not a good place for kids. Then I go to get Baby out of the walker. We try for some tummy time, which just makes him mad. Then we read some books, sing some silly songs--- "Net loves you, thinks you're cute, listen to you toot," that kind of thing.

10:00 Snack time! Give TEM her snack. Starbuck and Baby are both tired by this point. Baby is now in the pack and play, looking at fun things. I settle Starbuck down, take her upstairs to her crib, where she'll either talk herself into a frenzy or quietly go to sleep. I go back downstairs, pick Baby up, cuddle him, snuggle him until his eyes are almost closed, then I put him in the cradle. I then dash back upstairs to put the pacifier in Starbuck's mouth, lay her back down, and pat her butt. She settles in for a nap.

10.30 TEM is stumbling around with her fingers in her mouth. I pick her up, read her a book and say, "Let's go night night." She sleepily nods at me and I put her down for a nap.

Blessed silence, right? HA! Phone rings, Vietnam Vets. Nope, nothing this month. Phone rings again, Mindy to chit chat. Computer calls my name, gotta check my message boards, see who is online, run downstairs to fold a load of laundry, start another load in the washer, scoop litter boxes, bag up the morning dirty diapers, get hangers for the laundry, get lunches sorted out, pump some milk for Starbuck's next feeding, drink two glasses of water in quick succession. Yeesh!

11:00 Everyone is still asleep. I put on whatever TV show I'm obsessing about this week--- the early episodes of X Files are doing it for me right now. Grab the latest book that I'm reading and try to get in a chapter. Starbuck starts to fuss. Run upstairs, put the pacifier back in her mouth, and know that I only have about 15 minutes before she's up for good.

11:30 Starbuck surprises me and sleeps for 30 more minutes. I get her up, make us some lunch-- she and I share food. TEM and Baby are still sleeping, thank goodness. I get a chance to cuddle Starbuck and feed her without her looking at everyone else. Then we get down on the floor and I put toys in front of her. She puts them in her mouth, despite my efforts to show her how to play with them. Blocks are for chewing when you're almost 7 months old. :)

12:00 I sit out on the front porch, waiting to hear TPJ's bus come around to our block. When I hear it, I run down to the corner ( which is in sight of my front porch) and get him off of the bus. We go in, I make his lunch and he tells me about school. TEM wakes up and realizes that she's GASP, hungry.

12:30 Lunch is finished and TPJ is begging to go play--- no, not Star Wars Legos--- but Battlefront--- another Star Wars game on the PS2. I let him, because it makes it easier to feed TEM and keep an eye on Starbuck if he isn't talking to me. Call me selfish. TEM cleans her plate, just as Baby wakes up.

Get Baby up, change his diaper, mop up TEM's mess, change her diaper, wash hands, disinfect, yada yada yada. Put all babies on the floor to play some more. TPJ comes upstairs after this, and proceeds to torture Starbuck. Picks her up, wrestles with her, scares the tar out of me. She, meanwhile, giggles and grins at him constantly. Finally, I've had enough and tell TPJ that he's giving me a panic attack! We settle in to do something quiet--- he complains as I read a book to TEM, because it's not a Star Wars book. Yet, we manage. He reads a book to Starbuck and Baby. Then he goes back downstairs, this time to watch some Spongebob and chillax. Kindergarten takes a lot out of him. He doesn't like naps anymore, so now he'll sit and chill in front of the TV or computer. Or occasionally with some books.

The next two hours pass in a blur of spit up, bottles, diapers, silly faces, silly songs, crazy words, and insanity.

3:00 Starbuck goes down for another nap. Each day, I hope this will be a two hour nap, making it so that she doesn't get cranky til 8 pm. Each day, it ends up being just an hour. We have a schedule, and I'm not happy with it! She's not the sleeper TPJ was and still is.

TEM is playing with all of the toys that make noise, of course! TPJ comes upstairs and entertains himself for a while with the baby toys. He and I giggle together at the silly things that TEM and Baby do. I sit on the floor with Baby, encouraging him to roll from tummy to back. TPJ tries to roll him, unfortunately--or perhaps fortunately--- Baby is not as easily rolled as Starbuck. TPJ can't get a good grip on Baby and I refuse to let him try a different way. "He's a person, not a doll," is what I repeat about Baby (and Starbuck) over and over and over and over throughout the afternoon. TEM settles on and off of my lap as she goes from one toy to the next. She just likes to check in with me.

4:00 Baby requires his third (sometimes his fourth) bottle of the day. I cuddle him and give him said bottle while TEM stumbles around with her fingers in her mouth. Tiredness is overtaking them both.

4:15 Baby is done and asleep. Starbuck is starting to make noise. I quickly change TEM's diaper, read her a short story, and then put her down for a short nap. I dash upstairs to check on Starbuck--- she's settled back down!!! I run down to the basement and ask TPJ if he wants to play a game with me after I finish folding laundry. He agrees to spend some time with me.

4:30 We play PS2 for a few minutes, then go and play with Star Wars action figures. Not dolls. Action figures. There is a difference, you see. His imagination blows me away.

4:45 Starbuck is wide awake, so we go upstairs to get her. Since we've lowered her mattress, TPJ can no longer lift her out on his own. Thank goodness. She's happy to see us. I change her diaper, TPJ gives her zerberts. We all head downstairs. I fix her a snack-- sweet potatoes and corn are a favorite this week. I get a good portion of it all over me, as she tries to feed herself---again.

5:15 Baby's mom arrives. We talk for a few, then wake Baby up to go home. TEM is still sleeping. If she were my child, I would have woken her up by now. But mom doesn't seem to mind the late afternoon naps. So I let her sleep. I get my family's supper prepped, figure out what's happening for the evening, and straighten up toys and furniture.

5:45-6:00 TEM's mom arrives. Out the door they go with a blown kiss and a wave.

Supper, whatever is going on for the night (meetings, socializing, etc) then bath and bed. And another day is done!

It tires me out, writing about it! I didn't realize how busy my days were until I sat down and documented them! Thanks Blitzkrieger, for inspiring me! :) Now I'm exhausted! hehehe!

Obligation

2007-09-10T13:01:00.000-05:00

I feel as though I should update... but really, I have nothing to say.

Um. I went out for dessert last night. Deeelish.

Busy weekend. Church picnic. Birthday party. Wedding reception.

Nice week coming up. Hair appointment on Thursday evening. Weather looks good.

TPJ is over at a new friend's house. We apparently passed the neighborhood test... we met a little cutie pie at the bus stop last week. She invited TPJ to her bday party. We went, had a blast. He is now over there playing. Mom says she watched him yesterday and could tell that he was a good kid. :):) Oh, he hides it well, doesn't he????

I'm done!

First week of school

2007-09-06T19:33:00.000-05:00

My boy is a kindergartener. Kindergarten. KINDERGARTEN!!! He rides the school bus. He carries a back pack. He has homework.

Today was day 2 of Kindergarten. Yesterday morning, he was complaining about having to go to school. When the bus came, he climbed on like a pro. No backward glances. I'll admit it, I got a little teary eyed. When he got home, he said to me, "Mommy, it was more fun than you said it would be! It was better than the whole wide world." Which means that he had a good day.

Today, he got on the bus, didn't even acknowledge that he was leaving us. And so the journey begins.

We had parent night at the school tonight. His teacher, as we introduced ourselves to her, said, "Oh yes. TPJ is reading." We laughed and said, "Yes, yes he is. He keeps us rather busy." As she went over the curriculum later in the evening, Aaron kept whispering under his breath that TPJ already knew this and that. And it's true. He can read. He can add and subtract. He is a pretty bright little boy. But I think kindergarten is going to be good for him. He thrives on school.

My firstborn. My son. There's something so exquisitely bittersweet about this time in our lives. I wouldn't want to keep TPJ a child forever, but at the same time, the past five years have flashed by us. It boggles my mind. I want him to go back to that sweet, compliant two year old. Or that questioning three year old. Or that social four year old. This five year old school child is a stranger to me. It makes my heart swell with pride and pain, all at once.

In other news, I'm considering truly chopping the hair off. Short, very short. QE, I already know your reaction. I have 6 days til my hair appointment to think about this... I've had the same hair for nearly two years, different lengths, but the same haircut. Aaron is laughing at me. If you've ever been in my house, you've seen the gallery of hairstyles from the past ten years. To have had the same basic hairstyle for the past two years is killing me. I love changing my hair. I haven't colored it in who knows how long. I haven't done anything drastic in an even longer time. Bleh.

I'm tired. Starbuck is wearing me out. It is now time to do the controlled crying it out method with her. I hated doing it with TPJ, but it works. The hardest part for me is not picking her up in the middle of the night. I know, there are those who disagree with this method of sleep training, and so be it. But the reality of things is this: Starbuck would be attached to me 24/7 if I let her. She will sleep all night long, as long as she can feel me beside her. I'm not into the family bed thing, so that's not a real option in our home. I don't sleep well when I'm sharing a bed with my baby. I never fall into a deep sleep. And I can't function like that. So, tonight, we do the back patting, binky putting in, and had holding. No picking her up. Sigh. Wish us luck!

Off to get TPJ resettled into bed! He wanted to read for a few minutes, so he got out of bed to get a book.... sigh.

Jealousy

2007-09-03T21:29:00.000-05:00

Last night, TPJ and I had a heart to heart as I was cuddling with him before he fell asleep. He's been acting up whenever anyone pays Starbuck any attention. Now, this time was BOUND to come. It was expected. But knowing something is theoretically going to happen is a lot different than when it actually does happen. I've been trying to figure out the best way to deal with this jealousy.

So last night, TPJ and I talked about that feeling that he gets inside of him whenever people are talking about how cute Starbuck is, or what cute thing she's doing. He said he thinks people think she's better than him. I nearly broke down and cried at that point. Instead I held it together, and told him that, no, people don't think that Starbuck is better. Instead, it's just that she's new. We talked about how he played his new Star Wars Lego game a lot when he first got it, to figure everything out about it. And how Starbuck was kinda like that. She's new and doing new things, so people are trying to figure her out. Then I told him how everyone says that Starbuck looks just like a miniature TPJ, which means that he's cute too. We talked about how Mommy and Daddy had prayed for a boy just like him. I reminded him of what I had prayed for in a little boy, and told him all that ways in which he was the answer to those prayers. He said, "I know all this, Mommy." And I told him that I wanted him to remember it, and to remember that he was my precious boy. I told him that when he got that ugly feeling inside, to remember how precious he is to me. Of course, then we had to go over all the synonyms for precious...

Jealousy is such an ugly thing. I should know. For all of my life, I have felt as though I have always been competing with this ideal woman who is perfect in every way. There's no way I can best her, whether it is in looks, households, friends, relationships--- I'm always competing and ending up in second place. The thing is, this ideal woman doesn't exist-- well, ok, she exists in my mind. She's taller than I am. Skinnier, with smooth hair (not this wild red mane that I have), and clear skin. She has a calm voice, a quiet demeanor, never loses her temper, thinks before she speaks, laughs in all the right places, and never ever snorts when she laughs. She is the perfect Lady. I know she doesn't truly exist. But I have always seen pieces of her in others around me. And so I compete with them, most times without even realizing it. And then I get bitten by this ugly green bug when I can't acheive first place.

Thank goodness for counseling. Thank goodness for drugs. HA! Just kidding!

Seriously. Thank goodness for God. Because through Him, I have realized that I don't have to compete with anything or anyone. I was wonderfully and uniquely made. I will excel at some things, fail at others, and be mediocre at most. :) I still have my moments of wanting to be everyone's EVERYTHING. But most of the time, I hold on to the truth that I am ENOUGH, just as I am. And that tends to keep the green bug from biting me. The realization that I am ENOUGH with Christ in me keeps me from becoming discontent with my life. I'm not complacent, don't think that. I strive to better myself, mentally, physically, and emotionally. But I am content and happy where God has placed me. I am content with what I have, and quite frequently even think that I have too much. Jealousy has a hard time taking root when you're content.

So where are you? Are you like TPJ, worried that people think that you're not cute, or funny, or that someone else is better than you? Are you like me, having to remind yourself constantly that you are ENOUGH? Or are you already there, accepting that you are ENOUGH? If so, I'm jealous! :-P

Ear Plugs and Sleep

2007-08-28T08:56:00.001-05:00

I wore ear plugs last night. I only got up with Starbuck once. Once! WHEEE!!! She's been waking up at 1 and 4ish lately, ever since her ear infection. After talking to Mellie, who turned off her monitor and discovered that her son was capable of putting himself to sleep, I decided to put in ear plugs. And WOW!!!

I put Starbuck down for a nap while she was still awake--- something I've been working on with her. She hasn't adjusted as well as TPJ did at this age--- but it's working! She soothed herself to sleep this morning quicker than she ever has.

And now I'm drinking decaf unsweetened (but sweetened with sweetner) tea and trying to resist the lure of caffeine.... just a half a mt.dew would make my eyes pop open....

And life is ok. :)

To my other Dad, Dennis

2007-08-24T22:16:00.000-05:00

Not many of us are as blessed as I have been. My biological father, Jack, though I didn't know him well, helped to give me life. He was an important part of my infancy. In my adult years, he and I made peace with some of the choices that he made when I was a toddler. When he and my mother divorced, I was fortunate enough to be adopted by mom's second husband--- Dan, my DAD. He took my brother and I and made us his own--- both legally and from the heart. When he and my mom divorced, there was no doubt that he was still my dad and that he always would be.

When my mom married Dennis, she had only known him for a few weeks. . Yeah, my mom goes with those impulses sometimes. :) I expected to like the guy, but I wasn't prepared to embrace him completely. I was a stupid 21 year old kid, wrapped up in my own little world. So imagine my surprise when I figured out a few years ago (ok, they've been married for almost 10 years, so perhaps it was about 9 years ago) that I loved my stepdad, and that I truly considered him to be my "other" dad.

So I've had three "dads" in my life. And this one goes out to Dennis. His dad died tonight. It wasn't unexpected, but it was still hard. I have a hard time expressing my love with spoken words, so here are the written ones.

Dad,
I'm sorry for the hurt that you feel tonight. I'm hurting because you're hurting. I know you wanted to see your dad one last time, and I'm sorry you didn't make it. I'm glad that you got to see him earlier this week, got to spend that time with him.

There's not a whole lot that I can say to make anything feel better. So I just want to tell you how much I love you.

I think sometimes, when we love someone, it's hard to put it into words. It's hard to describe the love inside of you. Sure, I can tell everyone about how I call you whenever I have a fix it dilemma. I can tell them how I enjoy talking politics and current events with you. I can tell them what a great hugger you are, and how I love it that you play with your grandkids the way you do. I can tell them that I listen to your advice and your words when it comes to raising kids, because after all, you had 5!!! :) I can tell them about the jokes that you tell me, or the emails that you forward to me that make me giggle. But does any of that tell YOU how much I love you?

Part of why I love you so much is because of my mother. She needed a man like you. You are good for her. I love how you love her. And I love how she loves you. It's good to see.

But I also love you because you're you. You've walked into my life, and become a part of me. You are Dad. You are Grandpa. You are a part of my heart, for so many reasons. I couldn't love you more if you were really my Dad, ya know. My love for you doesn't take away from my love for my Daddy (Dan), which is something I was afraid of for a long time. Did loving you and accepting you as dad mean that I didn't love my Daddy as much? I've come to realize that it doesn't.

And tonight, when you called, I knew what you were going to say. And so I sit here, with tears in my eyes, my heart just aching for you. Tonight, Aaron and I will go to bed and pray for our family. I'm sending a big hug your way.

Love,
Jenette

*****Go right now, hug the ones you love. Look at your children with love in your eyes. Call your siblings and reconnect. Call your parents just to say hi. Life is too short.*****

Poor Little Me

2007-08-23T21:37:00.000-05:00

So I've had one of those mentally and emotionally (not to mention physically) exhausting weeks. I've been a bit under the weather, health wise. I've not gotten good sleep, and it has felt like a long week at work.

Every day, I've struggled with myself. with those pesky lies that my mind keeps whispering to my heart. "You're ugly. Look at you. You've let yourself go." ..."Why would anyone want you around? You're loud. You're silly. You're stupid." ..."Do you really think you're loveable? Ha." ..."You can't even get your 5 year old to listen to you." ..."If you don't do what XYZ wants you to, they won't like you anymore." .....

So tonight, I went to tour a place that we were considering for our Holiday Party with my Mom's group. It was fantabulous. After the tour, we met at a friend's house to discuss stuff. It was all going good, until I said to one of my very very good friends, "You intimidated me when we first met." And she jokingly said, "Well, I didn't like you. " She was joking. Totally. But all of a sudden, all those lies came rushing to the front of my mind, and I started to cry. I tried to hold it back, I really did. But all I could think was that I was worthless.

And then my friends rallied around me and told me that they liked me NOW! :):) And I totally knew what Amber meant when she was teasing me. My tears dried up very quickly. But it was such a shock to me, how quickly I believed those lies, just because of a joke from a friend.

Amber, Hilary, Mel, Heidi, Meems, thanks. :) I know you like me NOW :) And that's what's important. And Amber, I didn't REALLY cry in the car on the way home. I yelled a time or two and turned up my music really loud. But I didn't cry! :):)

Starbuck took a nap in the car. Now she doesn't want to go to sleep. Growl. I want to go to sleep. Such a shame it would be immoral to give an infant some kind of sleep aid... :) Ah well, that's part of life!

I Love You, Stinky Butt

2007-08-22T21:27:00.000-05:00

Ok, so the book is really, I Love You, Stinky Face. But I'm a stinky butt, so I figured it was better this way.

Laws, help me. I've been doing this whole dairy in moderation thing, because I LOVE DAIRY. So yesterday, I had cereal with milk. Milk to drink. Cheese on my sannich. This morning, I had cereal. And then some cheese this afternoon.

I think I overdid the moderation thing. My tummy is so upset. I have caused the air in our home to turn green with foulness.

But I have one hell of a sexy voice right now. So if you just plug up your nose, and listen to me talk, it's a pretty good trade off! hehehee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bah

2007-08-21T13:51:00.000-05:00

QE, try opening my blog in Firefox. It works better than Explorer. And it doesn't mess up my template.

Mimi assures me that I sound better today. I am going to choose to believe her. I don't feel better. I think a large part of it has to do with still getting up once a night (at least) to feed Starbuck, who is also coughing through the night. And then TPJ woke me up around 2 am last night because he was scared. This was just after I got finished soothing Starbuck around midnight. I think.

I have this theory that rest would really help my body get better.

In other news. Wait. There isn't much other news. It's a dry week. A dry day. Well, figuratively. Not literally. Ugh.

The Eating Machine, one of my daycare kids, amuses me so. Even if she has just finished a meal, she wants what you're having. Quite amusing. She follows me around like a puppy when I have food. I eat my lunch in stages. Some with the older kids. Some with the younger kids, and then a bit while I'm doing damage control after lunch. TEM is always underfoot, hoping for just one more morsel.

Ok. Off to get Starbuck napped.

Bone Tired

2007-08-20T06:36:00.000-05:00

I hate being sick. I hate being slightly sick. You know--- not sick enough to be in bed, but sick enough to feel like crap? That's me right now.

Adding to this is the fact that Starbuck decided that 3 am was PLAY TIME! Seriously. She was wide awake, up on all fours in her crib. We left her in there, talking to herself for about 45 minutes. Then it was time to get back to sleep. Which she resisted. But seriously! This only happens every now and then, but when it does, it's a doozy of a night!

My chest hurts. My voice hurts. My throat hurts. My ears itch. I am incredibly hoarse.

TPJ is back from visiting Nanny and Pop pop. I'm glad. I missed him--- constant chatter and all! I cried last night, thinking of him getting on that kindergarten bus all by himself in two weeks...

Ok, off to make myself some hot tea. Maybe that will soothe my throat a little.

Updates

2007-08-17T07:59:00.000-05:00

Time for the updates:

Starbuck is officially 6 months old. She is scooting/creeping. She can now get into a sitting position by herself and stay sitting up until she wants to roll and get something. She likes most veggies, and a few fruits. She is starting to experience separation anxiety.

TPJ has been gone for one long week to visit with the grandparents. He sounds like such a big boy when he calls these days. He got off the steps of the pool at Nanny's yesterday and floated. Wow! I miss the little guy.

Aaron got up on time this morning. Wonders will never cease.

One more week of school age kids for daycare. :)

I am down a size. Only one more to go before I'm pleased with my clothing size--- since I have all new clothes from last year in that size!

Done.

Down, Girl

2007-08-13T18:00:00.000-05:00

Ok. I'll admit it. Every now and then, I get sucked into stupid, trashy, totally time wasting, television. Such was the case today when I was trying to rock kids to sleep. Starbuck and Baby (new daycare child, 3 months old!!!) were taking turns napping. One would sleep for 20 minutes while the other played for 20 minutes. All afternoon. They were both exhausted, yet neither wanted a long sleep. The other two daycare children were either sleeping or resting downstairs. So, while I was in a napping mode, I turned on the telly. I surfed through the Guide, and came to VH1. Where "The Flavor of Love," was on.

Now, I really had no clue what this was about, til I read the description. Think "The Bachelor," or some other reality dating show, with Flavor Flav. And the only reason I knew who Flavor is, is because of my weekly Entertainment magazine that I have the pleasure of perusing after my husband has read it. Never mind that the subscription is in my name... but I digress. ANYHOW. I'd read an article about FF and his grillz fascinated me. So naturally, I stopped surfing and watched two episodes of "The Flavor of Love."

Oh, snap! You know what I'm sayin, man? This show was dope! Ok. No, it wasn't. But it was highly amusing. And interesting to see how crazy some people are. And how desperate they are to win the affections of someone who is famous.

What I don't get is this, "I love him," and they've known him for like, two weeks. WTH? Love grows, babes. You might be attracted, you might lust, but to love? Uh uh. That takes a relationship of sorts. Now, you might not always be able to control who you love, or how you love someone, but love, in my non romantic opinion, does not just spring up without some kind of cultivating. Call me cynical. :)

So Aaron and I were discussing which reality show we could be on yesterday. He's got this great endurance. We were at a baseball game yesterday and the temp was about 97 degrees. Our seats were in the sun. Only a few rows off of the field, so they were FABULOUS, but they were smack dab in the sun. He sat there, watching the game, while I got up every other inning to get a cup of ice and stand in the misting area. This scenario is what lead to the reality tv show conversation.

I told him that he had a greater endurance for things--- when he decides to do something, he just puts his mind to it until it is done. Me, I WANT to be like that. But if I know there's an out, I'm likely to take it, ya know?

We decided that Survivor was not a good show for either of us. But if we could pack a jar of peanut butter in a backpack, then we'd do The Amazing Race. I need something to keep my blood sugar perked up, so I don't get cranky and so I don't have any episodes like I did on Saturday at Borders. What episode? Eh, I got a little faint, broke out in a clammy sweat, got really shaky... had to sit down for about 30 minutes and Aaron had to get me something to eat. Thank goodness for Border Cafe!! hehehe.... Anyhow, that's why we decided that if we could carry a smidge of protein in our backpack, then we could do The Amazing Race. It makes me want to go to the website to check things out... :)

Whoa, I'm all over the place today. Crazy, huh? Hence the title of my blog--- Musings, Ramblings, Babblings. Suits me, wouldn't you say?