I'm down home, down in the basement, feeling sorry for myself. Letting the pain wash over me, sweep me away, carry me to the shore of self pity. And reading blogs.
Now, let me tell you. People have reached out so far in the past two weeks. I never knew how the blog web worked. But people found me through other people. And they commented. So I've been catching up with my reading of blogs, checking out the ones that I didn't know, and bookmarking lots of new people. But while I was reading, I got smacked up side the head. I'm not the only one who has a shitty and sucky life right now, I'm not the only one who wants to scream and yell at anyone who dares to enter my sphere when I'm beyond sad and into angry.
I hate feeling self centered. I really really really do. I enjoy reaching out to others, forming relationships, beginning friendships. I never mind when someone is different from me, I like opposing points of views, different senses of humor-- they sharpen me as a person. So I've never been overly picky about the "sort" of people I form friendships with. I like to think that I'm not self centered. But the past two weeks, I have been self centered, thinking that no one could possibly hurt as much as I do right now. And how wrong I am.
There's June Cleaver, who is going through her own personal hell right now. And Dana, who must feel like she's drowning every time she breathes right now. I'm not linking to their sites, I don't want people going just to gawk. They've both commented in previous posts of mine... you can find them, if you want to go offer love and support.
And the only thing I can think to say to them, and to others who are hurting right now, is breathe. I know I overuse it. But honestly-- if you can remind yourself to breathe, in and out, slowly, and just get that far, then the day passes. And I know that eventually, we will get beyond the point where we have to remind ourselves to breathe. Eventually, it will become second nature again. Eventually, we will get past the exisiting and back to the living. It hurts to breathe sometimes. I know that. It is so much easier at times to just stop breathing. But if you stop, it's awfully hard to start back up. And I do know that my life has not ended with the loss of my baby--- just that particular part of my life. So all I can say is, breathe. Breathe through this part of your life that stinks, that hurts, that makes you suicidal, homicidal, maniacal, whatever.