Friday, February 10, 2006

As I'm sitting here...

I'm down home, down in the basement, feeling sorry for myself. Letting the pain wash over me, sweep me away, carry me to the shore of self pity. And reading blogs.

Now, let me tell you. People have reached out so far in the past two weeks. I never knew how the blog web worked. But people found me through other people. And they commented. So I've been catching up with my reading of blogs, checking out the ones that I didn't know, and bookmarking lots of new people. But while I was reading, I got smacked up side the head. I'm not the only one who has a shitty and sucky life right now, I'm not the only one who wants to scream and yell at anyone who dares to enter my sphere when I'm beyond sad and into angry.

I hate feeling self centered. I really really really do. I enjoy reaching out to others, forming relationships, beginning friendships. I never mind when someone is different from me, I like opposing points of views, different senses of humor-- they sharpen me as a person. So I've never been overly picky about the "sort" of people I form friendships with. I like to think that I'm not self centered. But the past two weeks, I have been self centered, thinking that no one could possibly hurt as much as I do right now. And how wrong I am.

There's June Cleaver, who is going through her own personal hell right now. And Dana, who must feel like she's drowning every time she breathes right now. I'm not linking to their sites, I don't want people going just to gawk. They've both commented in previous posts of mine... you can find them, if you want to go offer love and support.

And the only thing I can think to say to them, and to others who are hurting right now, is breathe. I know I overuse it. But honestly-- if you can remind yourself to breathe, in and out, slowly, and just get that far, then the day passes. And I know that eventually, we will get beyond the point where we have to remind ourselves to breathe. Eventually, it will become second nature again. Eventually, we will get past the exisiting and back to the living. It hurts to breathe sometimes. I know that. It is so much easier at times to just stop breathing. But if you stop, it's awfully hard to start back up. And I do know that my life has not ended with the loss of my baby--- just that particular part of my life. So all I can say is, breathe. Breathe through this part of your life that stinks, that hurts, that makes you suicidal, homicidal, maniacal, whatever.

Just Breathe.

10 comments:

Always Ashley said...

trying to breathe...in out in out. just about all I'm able to do. thanks for listening to moi, and be so cool. love ya jenette.

Dana said...

Breathing. Thank you for mentioning me. Apparently you saw the post (which I have since removed a few days ago)...

It's amazing how much life can hurt sometimes.

You are not alone. We're in this together.

Catie said...

Yes, breathe. And listen. I love you.

~Catie~

The June Cleaver Diaries said...

The breathing is okay. I just wish I could turn off thinking for a while.

Thanks, Jenette. So much.

Kristen said...

I honestly think that someone who has gone through something traumatic (such as the death of a child) is allowed to be self centered for a little while...I think of it as part of the healing process.

Isn't being self centered in a time of pain just another way of protecting your mental boundaries from additional pain at a difficult time in your life?

Many hugs to all the people who are in pain.

mom on a wire said...

There is nothing I can think of to say that would be of any help to you. I don't know you, you don't know me... How can a few words sent over the internet do anything? It makes me feel helpless and frustrated. I WANT to help you, to offer my support. Please just know that I think about you, and I pray for you, and I send you all of my warmest wishes and hopes for a quick journey out of this sad place in your life.

Misfit Hausfrau said...

Jenette--don't you dare feel bad for feeling self-centered right now. You have earned that right! You have to feel everything right now. The love, the anger, the laughs, and the sadness. It is all part of the process.

You know what? You are such a MOM!!!! Always thinking and worrying about others!!! :)

Email me when you get back and we will go have coffee.

marti said...

Ymy dear are entitled to whatever it is that washes over you in the days and weeks and months ahead. Whether it is your own or the sadness for others, the good and blessed news is that you are still FEELING. The trials of our lives give us a rich feeling ability for the pain of others. This will never, ever leave you ... and while it is so very hard now, it will make you a stronger, more empathetic and loving person for the rest of your days on this earth (I can tell you are much deeper than those who allow it to rob them of life, and become bitter as a result). When you find a moment just sucks rocks, find a good hug, laugh with your son, eat some chocolate, watch a funny movie, and write to all of us out here. We're all in your corner.

Chad Burdette said...

Jenette,
Don't feel bad when you feel that way...go with it, just don't let it totally consume you(which I know you won't let it :-) )

Susan said...

I think those moments of self-centeredness are important, because they allow us to center our selves again. And that gives us the stregth and peace of mind to reach out to others, either to ease their sadness or share their joy.

You have such a kind heart, Jenette. I hope you are starting to find some peace.