Having Fun!!!

Caroline, Aaron, and I went out last night to listen to Mike sing in his new group!! FUN! Was had by all! LOL!!!

Got the summer hair cut! Check it out!

Thanks.....

• Elaine S. for offering me a home.
• Elaine C. for being my shoulder, even though I don't use her as often as I could have.
• Mimi for accepting me no matter what.
• Amber for always reaching out.
• Heidi for straight talking me when I need it.
• Melissa P. for always always listening and offering booze.
• Hilary for friendship and support.
• Toni for offering me her ears.
• Auntie Mel for daily prayers and books.
• Mindy Mae for long emails and texts to reassure me.
• Jenni for books, popcorn, and innate understanding of me.
• April for warmth, compassion, prayer, and tears.
• Jon for honesty and care.
• Mom for being available even when she's asleep.
• Heather for praying and supporting in love.
• Emily for being truthful with me even when it made me cry harder.
• Taggart for friendship, love, and God talk.
• Wendy for loving me, listening to me, and checking to make sure I was there every day.
• Gina for taking care of me.
• Mena for listening, for advising, for caring.
• Carla for cards and laughter.
• Sarah for hugs, honesty, and friendship.
• Amy for commiserating.
• Jenny for texting me always when I seemed to need it the most, with her encouragement.
• Theresa for letting me vent to her. Repeatedly.
• Michelle for offering help and love and support.

Those that I thanked, they know what's happening... everyone else, suffice it to say that I hope and pray that if you ever hit rock bottom, if you ever think that your situation is unbearable, I hope and pray that you have a network, a support system that will love you, respect you, nourish you, and care for you as mine has and does. I also hope and pray that I can be to these people (and whomever God places in my life) what they have and continue to be to me.

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know where I'll be a year from now. I know that I'll be trying to be obedient to God, no matter where I am, what I'm doing, or what color my hair is :) lol. I do know that THESE friends, these people, will still be a part of my heart, my life, my very being. And for that, I'm blessed--- over and over and over and over and over and over again.

Wanting to Write

Just wanting to write here.

Starbuck is a HAM. The child. Oh the child. Ever since she got her ear tubes back in March, she's been talking up a STORM. She had a hearing loss, and the tubes have helped to reverse that. She's quite the mouthy one, as a result. Her favorite phrase? "No WAY, Momma!" Ooooo, guess how that burns me up? :) She discovered that she likes swimming. Lots. Refused to take a nap the other day because she was anxious for Daddy to set up the new swimming pool. ""My POOOOOOOOl" is what she kept screaming. For 20 minutes. Seriously.

And TPJ? When did he grow so much? He lost a top front tooth on Friday. He looks like a KID. A kid. He's got those freckles across his nose, his daddy's eyes, and his mama's knack of muttering under his breath. "I'll go to bed when I want to go to bed," he says as he's being threatened with an early bed time. But he's amazing, despite his almost 7 year old attitude. ACK! He's almost 7!!!!!!!!!

And I'm starting summer school. Teaching, not learning. Though that's one of my goals, to get my paperwork done so that I can go ahead and finish that Master's Degree. :):) I love summer school, and am looking forward to hanging out with my students in a more relaxed atmosphere.

Ok.
Off to bed.

Giving it my all

So yeah. Giving it my all.... takes more than I've ever given.

I don't think I've ever given anyone my everything. I think I've tried. But I don't think I've ever succeeded. I think I've always held a part of me back, thinking that I needed to hold on to a little bit of me. That especially pertains to my relationship with God. Wow--- there's a complex issue.

I've always thought that I've given God all of me. But the more I explore my heart, the more I realize that there are bits that I've always held back from him. You might give me excuses and say, "Oh, well, you're human, we all hold on to something." Something along those lines to make me feel better. But those words don't make me feel better. I have been asked by the Father to give Him all of me. And for so long, I've chosen to give Him only the parts I felt I could give Him. Talk about arrogance. As if God didn't create my heart. As if God didn't create me. As if.....

I'm embarking on a new adventure. I'm going to try to take it day by day to trust God with all of me. I think that will mean making myself more vulnerable than I've ever been, and have mercy, that scares the tar out of me. I like being in control. I like having my order in my head, in my heart. I like the compartments in my heart that keep things under control. I think I've always been afraid that if I give all of me to God, he's gonna want to open all of my boxes and toss out some things and shake some things out.... oh my. Can I really handle that? Well, I guess that's part of my adventure, right? Let's see what happens.

A friend of mine did 40 days---- she embarked on her own God seeking adventure for 40 days. I attempted 21 and made it 5 days.... lol.... so I'm not going to put a time limit on the adventure. I think I'm going to see how long it goes--- hopefully a lifetime....

Sigh

Love. Respect. The love she needs, the respect he deserves.....

It's an awesome book, really. I wish it weren't so awesome, in some ways.

Things have been rough in my marriage for some time--- all marriages go through it, I know. But this book, well, it puts things in a different perspective, and darn it all, my pride really hates that.


Anyhow. I like my new profile pic. This was a dress that my gma wore back in 1959. Awesome, eh? And the hat came from a beautifully wonderful friend. Too perfect, I think.


Ok. Off to surf Craigslist.org. I love the missed connections. Seriously. :)

Oh God, I cry out....

My spirit is so heavy tonight. I've made so many wrong choices in the past year, so many just recently. My spirit is grieved.

I started to make amends with God, started trying to do the RIGHT thing... then got scared and lonely and sidetracked again... Oh God, Oh God, I need you.

It is so hard to do the right thing, it's so hard to know that you're forgiven sometimes. Because even though God forgives you, and have mercy--- other humans forgive you---- it's so hard to forgive yourself.

I want so much to make the choices that are pleasing to my God. I want so much to glorify him. I really really do. Why do I find it so hard to do so??? The spirit is willing, but the flesh, oh God, the flesh is soooo weak.

I'm so heavy tonight.

Exhaustion begins

So I'm now working two jobs. And the funny thing is, I love them both. I so enjoy teaching! And--- I'm serving at Max and Erma's. The money is decent, and I'm good at what I do. I get the job done, I get adult interaction. I'm happy when I'm there.

Here's the downside. I'm working 15 hour days about two days a week. I work weekends. I'm really tired. I think exhaustion is starting to set in.

Thank goodness Aaron has really stepped up. He's surprised me, if you want to to know the truth. The dishes are mostly done, the kids are fed and bathed.... the house isn't up to my standards of clean, but there aren't many people who can keep up with those, including myself. It's all good.

If you want to check in with me, text me! That's about the easiest way. I don't have time to sit at the computer much anymore. So blogging and email are hard for me at the moment. Hopefully this schedule won't be a long term one.... :)

Until then, come visit me at M&E's. I'll give you great service, and offer you the best chocolate chip cookies you've ever had! :) It's all I can do not to eat a few every night. :)