Heartsick

Tonight I'm taking out my aching heart on Aaron. It's not fair to him, not at all. So I'm going to blog about it.

Most of my friends and regular readers know that the past year has held a number of life changing events for Aaron and I. Last year at this time, I wasn't sure that we would be together for another year. I wasn't sure that I would stick around or that he would want me to stick around. But here we are, still married--- and happy!

As we were going through the process of repairing our marriage and dealing with our grief of losing Henry, one of my closest friends was beginning to question her marriage and her happiness. She listened to me as I griped and cried about my life last year and we commiserated together on some things. But then, as I began to honestly work on healing my marriage, she began to sabotage her own marriage. I don't need to go into details. I believe that after the first blush of love and infatuation, it is a choice to stay in love and to be loving towards each other. She chose not to stay in love and be loving towards her husband.

We talked often. She was going through THE EXACT SAME thing that I had been the previous year. All of my feelings of resentment, unhappiness, frustration, irritation--- she was a mirror of my own marriage. This spurred me to work on my marriage, because I saw the path I would be heading down if I didn't work on it.

She signed her divorce papers on Wednesday. Her husband signed them today. And my heart is hurting. Aaron says I shouldn't internalize it so much. But these two people--- She and He--- they were/are some of my closest friends. He and I have been friends since high school. I introduced the two of them. She's family to me. Of course I take it somewhat personally. I love them both so very much. When you see love die, it hurts. It's personal.

How do I explain the new situation to my 4 year old? We started introducing the fact that He and She will no longer live together. "Why not?" he asked me. "Because they can't figure out how to quit fighting," I told him. "They just stop," he replied, matter of factly.

They just stop.

When does love die? When does love turn to apathy? How does love die? How?

Love dies when you stop acknowledging it.
Love turns to apathy when you stop serving each other.
Love dies slowly and painfully. It withers, one branch at a time.

I've seen marriages that go through rough times. Heck, my parents are both on their third marriages (blessedly, for both of them, the third time is indeed the charm). I've seen what not to do. Not that it stopped me from doing some stupid things, mind you.... but still. I've seen marriages get through those rough times, to emerge stronger and healthier.

One of the best examples of that is Jon and April. I adore my big brother beyond reason. He can do hardly any wrong in my eyes. Yet he sabotaged his marriage a while back-- he didn't know how to love April the way she deserved to be loved. It was rough for a while. My heart broke daily. I cried to God daily and begged to be allowed to intercede, to take some of my brother's confusion upon myself so that he could see what he was doing to his marriage. I know others did the same thing. And slowly, but oh so surely, their marriage was healed. Now I almost want to gag when Jon and April are in the same room, they're so sweet! (Bless their hearts. :) ) I know that marriages can hit rock bottom and not shatter.

And I guess that's why my heart is aching tonight. I'm an empathetic person. I hurt when my friends hurt, I rejoice when they're rejoicing. And tonight, I hurt because two people I love very much are throwing away more than 10 years of their lives together. I hurt because they've hurt each other and are both hurting now. I ache because I want to DO something and there's really nothing I can do. And I know in my heart, that had She wanted to, She could have rekindled the love, it didn't need to turn to apathy. He could have seen the withering branches long before He did. He could have noticed the lack of communication. They could have saved Love. And they didn't. So I hurt for them, and I'm angry all at the same time.

But tomorrow's another day. And they have to live their own lives. I can only love them and live my life to the best of my ability.

So Aaron, no more grumpies towards you. Thanks for the milkshake, babe. You're the best. I love you beyond reason, beyond a shadow of a doubt. We're gonna make it!