Monday, June 25, 2007

Dear Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
I don't know your name, you've not given it to me. I don't know your situation. But I do know that you've reached out, and I will do the same.

I noticed you said that you suffer from depression, too. I prefer to think that I don't suffer it--- instead, I battle it. For me, to suffer means that I have accepted it and given in to it. I will not do that, ever again. I take medication because my body needs the chemicals to balance. I surround myself with a support network. I pay attention to my thoughts (this is a big one for me) and I listen to those around me when they say that something isn't right about me. Because that's usually my first clue that I'm slipping.

Don't suffer, my friend. Battle.

I gave into my depression once. Last spring, I was incredibly depressed. I had hurt someone I loved, terribly. I had lost a baby. I was afraid I would never see someone else I loved, ever again. One day, as I was researching the disease that took my baby from me, I was overwhelmed with hopelessness. I frantically searched my house for something, anything to end my life. I'm afraid of pain, so knives were out of the question. My husband had already cleaned out the medicine cabinets, because he was afraid I would try something. The only thing left was the car and the garage. So for 2.5 hours, I sat in my car, in the garage, with the windows rolled down, the radio on, and the car going. I convinced myself that carbon monoxide poisoning was the way to go--- I'd just fall asleep. Yeah, it doesn't work that way.

Anyhow, obviously, I didn't die. For which I am eternally grateful. Just a month later, I was blessed with an unexpected pregnancy that has resulted in my beloved daughter. Just goes to show that life takes some neat turns.

Anonymous, I hurt for you. I hurt for the sadness I read, for the bitterness I hear. If you ever need someone to vent to, check out my profile. There's a link to email me. I'll be glad to listen. I don't know where I'd be without my circle of friends who have listened to me and helped me. I'm glad I have them, and I'm glad I can be there for them.

Oh, and you mentioned you have kids--- I strongly suggest finding a Mom's group. Finding my group saved my life, in more ways than one. And don't be afraid to talk to your husband about your lonely and depressed feelings. They understand more than we think, sometimes. :)

OH! And! Get sleep! :):) My friend Elaine is so right--- just being exhausted makes things ten times harder, I think.

Hugs to you, Anonymous.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

so once again i catch up 5 or so blogs at a time. i feel my emotions would be best expressed in a short prose set to the background music of "the wind beneath my wings". i don't know how to do that on a blog comment, so, just try to sing it in your head when you read this...

i love
J -jumping out of your pool because bats were attacking us
E -emptying my disgraces out to you and not feeling ashamed
N -needing to call you about weird mucus and breastmilk stuff all the time
E -exploding with laughter when you get all slap happy
T -talking about people...always in a good way, of course!!
T -trying to knock the kids out with benadryl on the way home from Georgia
E -experiencing huge moments in life with you...
because you understand me like in ways no one else could

my life would be empty and dull and even MORE stressful without you. i love you!

now the music fades and my big smiling face pops up. lol! love you! mindy