Friday, June 22, 2007

Depths of Being

So I've managed to stay pretty busy for the past few months. I don't get any time to myself, unless it's sleeping. And even then, I don't usually get much of that to myself. For the most part, I don't mind staying busy. Keeps me from thinking.

But last night, I had a 25 minute drive to and from Mimi's house, all by myself. I took a CD with me of a song that I want to sing soon, and practiced it on the way over to Meem's. On the way home, it was dark. I decided to take the scenic route home, meaning no highway. Meaning more time for thinking.

I realized something, as I was taking a curve and wondering what would happen if I accelerated instead of braking. I realized that I am more depressed than I thought. Seriously.

I knew post partum was taking its toll on me. I knew that I was exhausted. I knew that I didn't like how my body looks. I knew that taking my zoloft regularly was important--- I'd even get up out of bed at midnight if I woke up and realized I hadn't taken it before I went to sleep. But I didn't realize how profoundly depressed I was until last night, when thoughts of death and escaping from my life were swirling around in my head.

I drove on, thinking, "Do I call Jenni? Mindy? Melissa? Heidi? No. I deal with this. There is no reason for me to feel this way. So I'm not going to feel this way. End of story. Not going to be thinking of the peace that death could bring. Instead, I will think of all of my blessings. I will think of the truth. My death would devastate my family. It is selfish. It sure would take away my depression--- but it would also take away my life."

That's the good thing. Because before, in a severe bout of depression, I couldn't think about the truth of things. All I could see was that death was a release from heart break and pain.

I'm not sure where I'm going to go from here, what with recognizing how depressed I am. I'm reluctant to go back into counseling. I feel like it's hopeless, but I also know that's not the truth. It's a matter of pride, I think. Admitting that I need more help. Hard to do, ya know? I do know that I'll keep taking my antidepressants. I'll probably put my counselor's number on the fridge, so that I can dial the phone quickly one day, before I change my mind and chicken out of calling her. I'll keep breathing.


Queen Elaine said...

Hey sweetie, I know you have lots of wonderful friends to talk to, but just know that I'm here if you ever want to talk, need one of my wonderful back rubs, or even a margarita :) I could even come over and make fun of your feet if you need a smile. I could make you giggle as I practise more southern slang! Or of course...all of the above.

Let me know if you need a night out - we'll go and escape somewhere where no one knows us, drink lots, pretend we're lesbians and watch everyone's reactions.

jaavaajunkie said...

Oh, Jenette... (((((HUGS)))) Pick up that phone and call me, girl. (or any of your fantabulous friends!)

It is hard to know when you might need some help and even harder to take the step to get the help you aren't sure if you need... Only you can truly know if you need to make the call to see your counselor, but when you are depressed it is so hard to know ANYTHING, right? ugh. Such a dilemma... If you need to talk, vent, rant, cry, or just listen to someone else do all of the above, (lol) I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. ;)

Anonymous said...

I suffer from depression too. Some days are better than others. Sometimes I think my husband would be better off without me. But I can't do that to my kids. It would be selfish. But the bad days really suck. I feel for you. Good Luck.

Anonymous said...

"just call me when you need a friend....."

I'm always here for ya babe...