Last night, TPJ and I had a heart to heart as I was cuddling with him before he fell asleep. He's been acting up whenever anyone pays Starbuck any attention. Now, this time was BOUND to come. It was expected. But knowing something is theoretically going to happen is a lot different than when it actually does happen. I've been trying to figure out the best way to deal with this jealousy.
So last night, TPJ and I talked about that feeling that he gets inside of him whenever people are talking about how cute Starbuck is, or what cute thing she's doing. He said he thinks people think she's better than him. I nearly broke down and cried at that point. Instead I held it together, and told him that, no, people don't think that Starbuck is better. Instead, it's just that she's new. We talked about how he played his new Star Wars Lego game a lot when he first got it, to figure everything out about it. And how Starbuck was kinda like that. She's new and doing new things, so people are trying to figure her out. Then I told him how everyone says that Starbuck looks just like a miniature TPJ, which means that he's cute too. We talked about how Mommy and Daddy had prayed for a boy just like him. I reminded him of what I had prayed for in a little boy, and told him all that ways in which he was the answer to those prayers. He said, "I know all this, Mommy." And I told him that I wanted him to remember it, and to remember that he was my precious boy. I told him that when he got that ugly feeling inside, to remember how precious he is to me. Of course, then we had to go over all the synonyms for precious...
Jealousy is such an ugly thing. I should know. For all of my life, I have felt as though I have always been competing with this ideal woman who is perfect in every way. There's no way I can best her, whether it is in looks, households, friends, relationships--- I'm always competing and ending up in second place. The thing is, this ideal woman doesn't exist-- well, ok, she exists in my mind. She's taller than I am. Skinnier, with smooth hair (not this wild red mane that I have), and clear skin. She has a calm voice, a quiet demeanor, never loses her temper, thinks before she speaks, laughs in all the right places, and never ever snorts when she laughs. She is the perfect Lady. I know she doesn't truly exist. But I have always seen pieces of her in others around me. And so I compete with them, most times without even realizing it. And then I get bitten by this ugly green bug when I can't acheive first place.
Thank goodness for counseling. Thank goodness for drugs. HA! Just kidding!
Seriously. Thank goodness for God. Because through Him, I have realized that I don't have to compete with anything or anyone. I was wonderfully and uniquely made. I will excel at some things, fail at others, and be mediocre at most. :) I still have my moments of wanting to be everyone's EVERYTHING. But most of the time, I hold on to the truth that I am ENOUGH, just as I am. And that tends to keep the green bug from biting me. The realization that I am ENOUGH with Christ in me keeps me from becoming discontent with my life. I'm not complacent, don't think that. I strive to better myself, mentally, physically, and emotionally. But I am content and happy where God has placed me. I am content with what I have, and quite frequently even think that I have too much. Jealousy has a hard time taking root when you're content.
So where are you? Are you like TPJ, worried that people think that you're not cute, or funny, or that someone else is better than you? Are you like me, having to remind yourself constantly that you are ENOUGH? Or are you already there, accepting that you are ENOUGH? If so, I'm jealous! :-P