Sunday, August 21, 2005

Dreams Deferred

What happens to a dream deferred?

Langston Hughes asked that question, and I find his words running through my head at this very moment. The next 2 lines, "Does it dry up/Like a raisin in the sun?" bring to mind a song by the Cranberries, "Dying in the Sun." And that's kinda how I feel right now. I wouldn't say that I'm dying, or anywhere close to wanting to, but I do think that my dreams are slowly drying up.

It's been 20 months of not trying to not get pregnant. 12 months of just fun, unprotected marital relations. 5 months of confusion, wondering what's wrong with me. 3 months of tests, shots, drugs, and yet, no pregnancy. I've done everything right. We didn't obsess about it for a very long time, so don't tell me to stop trying so hard. I charted to make sure that my body was doing what it was supposed to, only to discover that it wasn't. I cut out the small bit of caffeine I had every morning in my tea. I stopped exercising for more than 30 minutes a day. I cut out any and all alcohol except for one week out of each month. I take prenatal vitamins. I take care of myself, physically, mentally, and emotionally. So what's the deal? Why is my (our!) dream deferred? What is the purpose?

People keep telling me to trust in God's timing. Well, duh! Of course I trust in His timing. But I also trust in the verse that says that God knows the desires of our hearts. He knows that we want another child, that we want a larger family. So why isn't he granting that desire? Why is it that I look around and see CHILDREN having babies, and neglecting them? Why do I look around and see babies being hurt or killed because their parents couldn't be bothered to take care of them? It's sooo not fair. But life ain't fair now, is it?

I adore my Ethan. Even when he's having a bad day, he's still my love. I never knew I had the capacity to love something/someone like I love Ethan. Sure, I love Aaron, but that's more of an equal kind of love. I want to make Aaron happy, and serve him in love, and I love our life together. But it's a different kind of love than I have for Ethan. I would do anything for my son. So why can't I have another child? Ethan asks me for a baby or a sister. :) For some reason, he can't fathom a sister being a baby... don't ask me.... I don't know. I feel like a failure in this one area of my life. I have always been able to accomplish ANYTHING I wanted to, if I put my mind and heart to the task. There's nothing too hard for me. That's all there is to it. So, even though it's NOT the same thing, can you understand why I feel like a failure? Why I feel that my body has betrayed my heart and mind?

This too shall pass. I have to call Dr. Chinn and let him know that my cycle has started again. One of my friends reccomended that we take a break this month... but I don't know what to do. I've decided, however, that I am going to start having my caffeine in the morning again. And if I want a glass of wine once a week, by golly, I'm going to have it. Cutting these things out of my life hasn't made any difference thus far. Why should I continue to deprive myself of my pleasures?

That's all there is inside of me right now. I'm drained, dried up. I need a nap to rejuvenate.

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