Wednesday, August 17, 2005

starting out

So here I am, starting my own blog. I had a friend ask me today, "What's a blog?" and I thought-whoa, either I spend way too much time on the computer, or she doesn't spend enough time on the computer. Fortunately, I didn't voice those thoughts. I kept them to myself and explained what a blog is.

Why have I started a blog? I think out of the need to get my words out of myself at one in the morning. Maybe because I have been told that I should write a book full of my tips on living in general. Maybe because I'm so vain, I actually think someone will read my words? Yeah, that's it.

I'm here tonight, exhausted, yet unable to sleep. My mother was worried about me because I forgot to check in. I'm 28 years old. Visiting friends and family. And I forgot to check in. I feel 18. Better yet, I feel 8.

I had a lovely visit with an old friend today. We ate greasy pizza and dished about what's been happening in our lives since high school. It was interesting to hear all that's happened, and when the discussions turned to marriage, it was interesting to see how people are really the same, all over the world. Here's my marriage advice for the night: Listen to the good angel on your shoulder, instead of the bad angel. Fight fairly, even when you have the chance to be dirty and underhanded. Thanks, Carli, for reminding me of that.

As I drove over the mountain home, taking the curves just a TOUCH too fast ( my tires squealed more than once) depression overwhelmed me for a short moment. I thought about how easy it would be to just let my car go too fast off the side of the mountain. Except for those guardrails. They'd just mess up the paint on the car, and my insurance premiums would go up. Oh, and except for those lovely pillow shams I bought yesterday- a car wreck would ruin those for sure! And what about helping Melissa out next week? And my planning meeting? And HOLY CRUD, what about Aaron and Ethan? Ok, so going over the edge was a not so good, and very short lived idea, thank goodness. Here's my depression advice for the day: When depression sneaks up on you, leaving you stranded and helpless, think of the little things. Then think of the big things. When you focus on something other than yourself, it really puts things into perspective.

After my fit of depression, I became slightly melancholy, thinking those "what ifs and how comes" that tend to keep me awake on summer nights. I drove into town ( yep, into town...) and got some gas. While filling up, a family of cats strolled onto the gas station island. Two black adults and one tiny tiny grey tiger striped kitten. I called to them, but the kitten was too busy playing with a piece of paper, while the adult cats were looking around warily. I laughed at the antics of the kitten, noting the concerned expression on the fellow fueler upper in the next gas island. I know he thought I was crazy, but all I could think was, "Wow. Talk about living in the here and now. Be content with who, where, what, and why you are. Thanks, kitten."

Visited with more friends, holding their baby made my heart soft. The best friends are the ones who will let you borrow their child so that you can smell the sleepy sweat and feel the soft body molding into yours.

Then I drove to my grandfather's grave. I love cemeteries. I love them at night. I sat on Grandpa's grave and talked to him for a while, crying and laughing as one can only do when one is sitting on a grave after midnight. I told Grampa about my confusion over matters of the heart, about this whole stupid infertility issue that I'm struggling with, about the guilt and anger I still hold from years past. I told him how much I missed him, how I missed the way he would pick at his ears, and rub his nose when he was considering something. I told him how driving Big Red today ( the big red Ford pickup that's been around since I was a baby) made me think of him all day, and of Zero bars and glass bottle Coca Cola. I cried a lot, and felt marginally better. I got all puffy and snotty and somehow, it was good. That's Grampa there, in the picture.

And then I got home. And realized that I wanted to get some of this out. So I decided to start this blog. So here it is. Jenette's musings. If nothing else, it makes me feel better. :)

Jenette's parenting advice for the day: Love, love, love. Love means disciplining and guiding, and also accepting who your child is. Love.

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