Wednesday, October 12, 2005


For those who read my Xanga, this is simply cut and pasted. I felt the same way in both places tonight.

A blah mood has settled upon me tonight. I rarely feel this way anymore. But tonight, as I was laying on Ethan's floor, with my eyes closed, listening to Aaron read a book, I started thinking about my Grandpa. I started thinking about those last 8 weeks of his life, as he got weaker and weaker. I kept seeing him in my mind, as he woke up from a nap when he was still somewhat coherent, and not in constant pain. He thought I was my grandmother, and he held my hand and asked "What happened to us?" I cried and said, "I don't know, but I've always loved you." I know he didn't know it was me.

And I keep thinking, will this happen to Aaron and I someday? There was such a distance for so many years between my grandparents. Yet, they stayed together even through the rough times. They found each other again, became close, and I'm glad for that. But oh how my heart breaks for the years they lost with each other. I don't want to lose years in my marriage. I don't want to lose years in my life.

I think part of this mood comes upon me because of the band concert I went to last night. I am a true music appreciator. I don't know as much about music as I would like to. I can't play or sing as well as I would like to. But I can appreciate it, and it moves my soul like nothing else. There was a song that the Wind Ensemble did last night, the one where Lisa had a beeeyootiful solo, and it brought tears to my eyes. I think it touched me in a way that made me just a bit vulnerable and soft inside right now. So don't be mean to me. It'll make me cry. :)

1 comment:

Misfit Hausfrau said...

While your grandparents may have lost years, they DID come back again which is wonderful and doesn't always happen. I think (or would like to think) that many relationships are a little different now because the home life is more equally divided. I would liek to think that because of that, there is greater understanding on both sides.

I hope I'm not being a complete and total PollyAnna!