Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Bring on the Rain

Another day has almost come and gone
Can’t imagine what else could wrong
Sometimes I’d like to hide away somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost but not the war (‘cause)

Tomorrow’s another day
And I’m thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

It’s almost like the hard times circle ‘round
A couple drops and they all start coming down
Yeah, I might feel defeated,
I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing - but I’m not dead

Tomorrow’s another day
And I’m thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

I’m not gonna let it get me down
I’m not gonna cry
And I’m not gonna lose any sleep tonight

I think Ethan and I will take a road trip tomorrow for a few days. Haven't decided where yet, but I think we're just gonna get in the car and head out for a mini vacation. I need to clear my head, and Ethan's gotta come with me, because where else is he gonna go? :) I don't know how much head clearing is going to happen with him chattering away in my ear, but the change of scenery might be nice.

Yep. I'm still done. I'm exhausted. I'm emotional. Everyone says it's the pregnancy. Nah. I've always been this way. A bit off my rocker. So it's time to figure out how to climb on that rocker and be a sane, rational person. It's time to figure out how to get along with the rest of the human race. It's time to figure out why I sabotage my friendships. Yeah, one little fight with a really good friend has sent me off the deep end, because it makes me realize how incredibly screwed up I am.

I wrote this in my journal today:
So it stands to reason that if I can't sustain the most basic of relationships, that of friend, then I can't sustain others. How can I be a wife if I can't be a friend? How can I be a mother, a daughter, a teacher, if I can't be a friend?

I know that I'm irrational. I feel myself doing these stu[id things and I don't know how to stop them. I hear my tone of voice, I hear the words I say and I don't know how to bite and swallow them before they come out. Further proof that I am not suitable to have relationships with other human beings. What happens when I can't stop myself from saying those cruel words or using that tone of voice on my children? I will damage them for life, bruise and possible break their spirits. I can't risk that. I am going to go away for a while. I don't see any other choice. I need to figure out what it is that is inside of me that makes me unsuitable for human contact.

Aaron and I haven't discussed my travel plans yet. He knows I am chomping at the bit to get out of here. Emily urges me not to go anywhere. Jenni reassures me that I've always been a good friend-- the best--- and we've been friends for 21 years. Yet still, I need to get away. I am not going to do anything stupid, like leave and never come back! Heck, I'll have Ethan with me, and I am SO not up to being a single mom for more than a week at a time. No way. I'd miss Aaron anyhow, and Ethan would too. And I don't plan to drive where there might be snow--- duh, I'm a Southern girl!

And who knows. Maybe simply writing this out will have helped, and I'll go unpack the suitcase in a little bit. I know this blog is public, anyone can read it. And I know that there are those who wouldn't dare post about their depression, or their confusion about life, or their negative feelings on something like this. But I've spent so long repressing so much--- I want to get it out. Maybe it will help other people who just want to run away to see that everyone wants to escape sometimes. Maybe it will help to know that we all get to a breaking point sometimes, and we all think about crazy, irrational, stupid things to do when we reach that breaking point. Maybe it will help someone else to know that we all screw up relationships at times, and the only thing to do is keep breathing and waiting for time to pass, because truly, time does heal all wounds. Doesn't necessarily stop the phantom pains, but it heals them enough so that you can function and be healthy again.

I know that out of the ashes of the unhealthy emotions, a stronger and healthier me will rise, to face another day. And that's the hope that we all have to hold on to, even when we reach our breaking point. Because tomorrow is another day, and it will not hold what today did. I'm thirsty anyway, my soul is parched, my body is dry. So bring on the rain. Immerse me, cleanse me, hydrate me, refresh me.


Kelly said...

Thanks for sharing so much of yourself, Jenette. I wish more people would talk openly about their struggles --both for their own sake and for the sake of others who feel like they are all alone.

We are praying for you...

Anonymous said...

Jenette, I love reading what you write. LOVE it.

"I know that out of the ashes of the unhealthy emotions, a stronger and healthier me will rise, to face another day."
This is truth - hold on to that.

Love you -

Kris said...

Thanks for posting ... I have had similar friendship sruggles lately. and mood crashes. and it makes me very very afraid to have kids someday...but it seems to me like you are doing a great job being a mom, and it gives me hope. I hope you have a good chance to relax and think, at home or away. even an hour helps.

lisa said...

I miss you.

When I feel like you're feeling now, I like to get away, too. Usually, though, since I'm still dependent on my parents and I have to go to school at 7 am, I just drive to Flubs or Maggie Moos and get ice cream... but it still makes everything better. :)

For some reason, this post made me think of the song "Hungry"
Hungry I come to you for I know you satisfy, I am empty but I know your love does not run dry
So I wait for You, so I wait for You
I'm falling on my knees, offering all of me, Jesus you're all this heart is living for.
Broken I run to you for your arms are open wide, I am weary but I know your touch restores my life
So I wait for you...

you know how it goes. That song has gotten me through some pretty tough times. The first time I heard it was at 3DYC.

I can't wait to see you and to have Sunday school and (hopefully) bible study on Sunday!

boiling with love to the point of overflowing foam,