Monday, October 30, 2006

Jenette and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad, Day.

I think I'm going to mail myself to Australia.

Read the book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad, Day. That's me today.

I am so damned tired. I am tired of being there for everyone. I am tired of giving and giving and giving. And I'm tired of expecting myself to give and not ask for anything in return. I'm tired of thinking that I have to be so damned strong that I can't reach out to take what is offered.

And now I'm tired, thinking of the work that I have to do to fix the damage that I have caused because I'm tired of giving and not acknowledging that I need anything in return. A small part of me wants to scratch the friendships that have been damaged by my pride and my issues. The logical part of me knows that isn't a good idea.

I just want to crawl under my bed. But I don't fit under the bed. I want to ignore people. But that's not an option. I want to not talk to anyone. But that's not happening. I want to stop crying. That I can do. I want to not have any needs or wants or expectations. But my therapist says that is unreasonable.

I'm done. Just so done. Stick a fork in me. I'm ready to go out and scream somewhere. I'm ready to just hop in my car and drive til it's out of gas. I think I'll go west.

1 comment:

morgan said...

i love you! if you want, i'll paint your toes for you and put on your shoes when you can't get to your feet anymore. and i'll watch the kid. even if he won't hug me. :)