Homesick, for Mimi.

Homesick

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Mimi, I used to listen to Homesick every day, for three months, on the way home from work. I would cry, I would sob. I would beg for the strength. Losing my gpa was like losing my inner GPS in some ways. I was so sad. Sad doesn't even begin to describe it. Then I was angry. So angry that Ethan would never know the wonderful man who was more father to me than grandfather. I doubted God during that time too. It's ok to doubt, Meems. It's ok to be shaken, to be angry, to question. God made us that way. But in the end, you've got to hold on tight, so that you don't fall off the face of the earth.

Two songs after Homesick on my CD was this next song. Never Alone, by Barlowe Girl. The lyrics don't do the song justice. I would turn up my bass, turn up the volume, and scream with this song. It's got a good hard beat and a good hard sound. It's ok to scream. Your heart has been broken. You feel alone. You aren't.

I wish I could make the healing process faster--- for all of us who have lost someone we love. But I can't. I feel so helpless when I see my friends hurting. Please know that I'm thinking and praying for you. It doesn't seem like much, and sometimes I wonder if it helps me more than it helps you. But nevertheless, my faith is what I have to hold onto, so I'll continue to pray for you and yours.


"Never Alone"

I waited for you today
But you didn't show
No no no
I needed You today
So where did You go?
You told me to call
Said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?

[Chorus:]
I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I"m never alone

And though I cannot see You
And I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life

We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

[Chorus]

We cannot separate
You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen


Everyone else--- Thanks for reading this personal post. If you know someone who has lost someone they love--- reach out, please. Don't be afraid. But don't take it personally if they lash out at you. Anger is a part of grief. Please don't let that person retreat too deeply into themselves. Retreat is good for a while--- it helps us heal. Please continue to be a friend, to listen, to care. Time passes so slowly for those who have lost someone, yet so quickly for others. People think we should be ok in a month or so, that the pain will have lessened. It doesn't always. Sometimes it intensifies. Please don't put a time limit on grief. Please encourage those who are grieving to participate in life, but understand when they don't participate with the same vigor they used to. In time, they will.

Gpa, I miss you. So desperately sometimes. Ethan sends his love, and wants to make sure that you're taking care of his little brother. He told me that last week, when we were at your grave. He pressed a kiss on your gravesite, but I'm sure you saw that. If you see Mimi's mom, Karen, up there, will you tell her to send Mimi a sign that she's ok?

Off to cry and write a letter in my journal tonight! Good tears though!