Friday, April 06, 2007

Many things

First-- I've been gone for a week and have so many entries I want to make!!! :) So, they're all in here! Pictures will come in the next post, sometime later today!

The Pantless Jedi:
Hethan chose to go one whole day in Georgia with no pants on. He had on a shirt and underwear. He wandered around my gma's house with his light sabers and no pants. This cracked us up so much that we decided that he should be hereafter named "The Pantless Jedi." Thanks to April for helping me think of that name! :) hehehe!

Isn't it amazing how you can be a part of something so much bigger than yourself? My family is so--- um---- different and extended in some ways. It really humbles me and makes me happy to be a part of it all!

Is there anything better than the friend who has been a part of your life for 3/4's of it? My Jenni is the best! I adore her kids, her hubby, and most of all, her. No matter how long it's been, no matter how far away we are, she gets me like no one else does. I don't think she's ever misunderstood me (at least not since those terrible teenage years, when we'd have a fight or two!) and I hope that I'll never misunderstand her. She's an amazing woman. Amazing.

And finally, what I really want to blog about--- Grief and Renewal.

My friend, Mimi, lost her mother to cancer this past weekend. Her mom had been battling cancer for nine months. When she was first diagnosed, she was given 3-6 months to live. So she beat the expectations, which can be both a blessing and a curse all at once.

To take Mimi's words-- Cancer sucks. Having watched my family deal with my grandpa's cancer and watched Gpa die from cancer, I can say this with some authority.

I'm reminded of why I started this blog. Waaaaaay back in August 2005, I was missing my gpa so much that I HAD to write about him. I needed to get the words out. As time went on, it became more about me than about missing gpa.

And then we lost Henry, and I had to start my Healing Moments blog. I know a little about grief, I'd say.

So to Mimi--- It hurts so badly when you lose someone, no matter if you've been "prepared" for it or not. It hurts to see them hurt while they're alive and after a while you get to the point that you'd rather they die to be out of pain. But then you feel somewhat guilty for those feelings--- after all, are you wishing them dead for their relief, or yours? I know all about those thoughts and feelings.

And then they do die. And suddenly the part of you that was filled with taking care of that person is empty. So now what? You long to be filled with something, anything. For many of us, this is where we fail to acknowledge our grief, as we fill that emptiness with being busy, or worse, mind and heart numbing solutions like drugs or alcohol. So not only do we have this giant hole in us, but we cover it over with paper and masking tape. Such a flimsy cover, you know?

What can I say about this stage? Allow yourself to grieve. Yes, life must go on, especially when you have a family or a job that requires your attention. But that doesn't mean that you can't allow yourself time to grieve here and there. Instead of fighting the grief, allow it to wash over you. When you struggle against it, try to deny it, it takes control of you. You expend so much energy fighting that you're drained for every day life. But if you acknowledge your grief, your anger, your helplessness, and just roll with it, you have a lot more energy. Yes, you're still drained, but not to the point of exhaustion.

I imagine that hole in my heart being filled with the ashes of the phoenix. I don't know why I like that image so much. But you know the story? Out of the ashes of the phoenix comes a new young phoenix. The ashes fill the hole in my heart and allow something new to rise up. Something stong and capable.

It hurts. Lord knows, it hurts so badly sometimes. I still cry about Gpa. I still visit his grave every time I'm down home. But eventually, you remember the best things, and not the horror of dying. I promise.

Love you, Meems.


Mimi said...

Thanks Jenette. I love you too.

Queen Elaine said...

Welcome home Jenette, we missed you. Glad you enjoyed your trip home.


Kris said...

you just made me cry at work.
guess that's what i get for not doing work...
thanks though.