Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Much Better, Thanks.

Ahhh, sleep is a good thing. A very good thing. A non fussy baby is a good thing too. I'm happy with the sleep schedule we have going on right now-- I predict it will last for another week, before things change up again. Right now, Starbuck goes down around 9, feeds around 11, and wakes up around 4.30 to feed again. Then she doesn't wake/feed til around 8 am. Definitely liveable.

Ok, so Melissa, one of my good friends (not to be confused with Mel or Melby, two other Melissas whom I adore) requested that I put up a favorites list of books/authors. Please look for that to be coming in the near future on my sidebar. Of course, it will change frequently, as I am constantly adding new authors to my library.

Change of subject.

I'm involved in THE MOST FABULOUS playgroup EVER. Seriously. I don't think that there's another group of women in the world like us. Now, I have my "core" within the playgroup--- there are, afterall, over 50 of us in the group, officially. My core is a smaller group--- and they know ME. They know my craziness, my quirks, the reasons behind mine and Aaron's marital difficulties, my suicide attempt (I've written about that, haven't I?), they've seen my feet and haven't shrunk back in horror, -- all this, and they still love me.

Now, within that core group, there are a few of us who have struggled with infertility. Almost all of us have struggled through the loss of a child, whether through miscarriage or stillbirth. It is amazing how loss can unite you. And how you can move beyond loss together to embrace life.

My friend, Antoinette, just suffered a devastating loss. She was 10 weeks pregnant and lost the baby. Oh how my heart hurts for her. I saw her today, and I know that I was unable to adequately express my feelings. I've been through what she's been through and she knows that. She knows that I'm here for her. And while my heart breaks for her, a small part of me is happy to hear what she told her husband when they had to go to the hospital last week. "I need my girls." He knew immediately that she meant her playgroup girls. Of which I am one. I'm so glad that she knows she's not alone. So glad that she knows that we love her.

The same day I found out about Toni's loss, I found out that another friend is pregnant. The circle of life goes on, whether we're prepared or not. It is that whole concept--- we are drawn together in our sorrow, and we grow together in our joy. We ebb and flow together. Thank the Lord.

Through all of this, I've been haunting the TTC (Trying To Conceive) thread on our playgroup message boards. When we were struggling with infertility, I was addicted to the message centers that offered support for infertility issues. Now I skim the pages and offer hope for others. But a friend posted something today that I wanted to paste into here. It puts into words so many of my thoughts during our infertile time. It also puts into words the reasons why I will NOT ask people, "So, when are you starting a family, " or "When are you going to start trying?" I ask you to read this list and try to put yourself in someone else's shoes for a while. Remember that the American family is no longer just two adults, two kids, a cat, and a dog. Sometimes it is just two adults. Sometimes there's a kid. Sometimes there's more than one kid. Sometimes there are just two cats. Sometimes just a dog or two. Family is family.

What Nobody Told Me About Trying to Conceive (after my loss)

-That unprotected sex doesn't necessarily lead to pregnancy.
-That my sex life would start to resemble a science experiment.
-That the longer I try to conceive, the more pregnant women spring up around me.
-That deep down inside, I can be a very jealous person.
-That one day I wouldn't mind checking my cervical fluid or cervix position to see if it is my fertile period.
-That I should have gone to medical school like my mom wanted, because I've had to do so much medical research up to now just to figure out what was wrong with me, and now I might as well be an M.D.
-That I would know more about the female reproductive system and menstrual cycle than most of the doctors I go to.
-That living my life in 2 week increments would be the normal thing to do.
-That I never knew how much I wanted to see those 2 pink lines...until only one shows up every month.
-That simply relaxing will NOT get me pregnant.
-That I have no control over some of the goals I set...
-That wishing really hard for something doesn't make it happen, and staring at my BBT (temp.) chart doesn't make it change!
-That one day my husband would know so much about how my uterus functions and what it looks like from the inside.
-That a pregnancy doesn't always equal a baby.
-That miscarriage and infant loss is so common.
-That I would wish we had started trying to conceive earlier.
-That my friends' pregnancies would start to make me sad instead of happy.
-That it wouldn't happen the first time I didn't use birth control like I was led to believe in school.
-That I wouldn't know how important a baby was to me until it took so long, and I realized what I was willing to go through to make it happen.
-That family would act like getting pregnant was a competition between all the young couples in the family, and the first one to get pregnant "wins".
-That my husband is the most wonderful and caring man!
-That it is insensitive to ask people when they are going to try having a baby! They might be trying and having difficulties just like me!
-That women who do get pregnant are so very blessed!
-That I could have been rich by saving the money I spent on condoms/birth control pills, which were obviously unnecessary.
-That I would be happy to see abundant cervical fluid and tell my husband about it.
-That other people's "good news" of pregnancy makes me sad and when they tell me they have good news, I hope that they just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Geico.
-That had I bought stock in Clearblue Easy I'd have my mansion on St. Pete's Beach in Florida by now.
-That having my period show up would make me cry, no matter whose bathroom I was in.
-That it does not get easier ... each cycle is harder than the last.
-That I wouldn't want to hold or see someone's baby because it just hurts way too much.
-That a group of "strangers" who I will probably never meet, have now become my "best friends" when it comes to trying to conceive.
-That I would splash urine on my face while taking apart an home pregnancy test in the hopes that there really was a 2nd pink line hiding in it.
-That talking about sex with fellow women who are trying to conceive would be so easy.
-That one day all of this will make me stronger.
-That I would have NO TOLERANCE for pregnant women's complaints about morning sickness, weight gain, etc...(I would give anything to have those feelings...)
-That no one I know would have any understanding as to how I feel.
-That my temper and patience are much shorter than I ever thought.
-That infertility is not as rare as I was led to believe.
-That I am very bitter towards unmarried accidental pregnancies, and slightly bitter towards married accidental pregnancies.
-That some people just say the wrong things.
-That I would be so sad and ashamed.
-That when my period shows up I would feel broken and dysfunctional.
-That my friendship with my real life girlfriends would suffer because they got pregnant after being off the pill for 3 weeks.
-That this would be, by far, one of the hardest things I will ever have to go through.
-That I HAVE to have sex even though I don't feel like it, but because my fertility monitor says HIGH or PEAK.
-That people would pity me and feel sorry for me.
-That I would meet such a wonderful group of people online, that I can share my sorrow, frustration and fears with.
-That I would feel stupid and naive for thinking a pregnancy would occur "when it was supposed to".
-That answering questions (and usually lying) about pregnancy or family plans would hurt so badly.


Queen Elaine said...

Not quite true.....I think I shrunk back in horror! *wink*

Rachel said...

Wow ... yeah ... that list made me both laugh and cry. Thanks for posting.