Saturday, July 26, 2008

Fetal Position

Ever have one of those days where all you're good for is a sobbing session on the floor, curled into a fetal position? Yeah. That would be today.

Yesterday was fantabulous. We took TPJ to Kings Island. The child had a blast, even though he was at first reluctant to go on anything faster than a snail. We convinced him to go on one fast ride, and that was all it took. He held up really well and we had a great time.

And of course, today, we're all exhausted. Right now, Starbuck and TPJ are napping. Aaron is at a church work day. And I am recovering from sobbing on the floor.

See, you know I've been going through some changes in my meds. That's going great. But here in Paradise Casa, there are some undercurrents that aren't so, shall we say, paradise oriented? Yeah, ok, like every family, we have our rough times. And sometimes one person in the family has a rougher time than the other. I've obviously been discontent with the status quo for a while, but guess what--- I'm actually NOT the best verbal communicator. I know that's a surprise, given that I'm so gabby online. :) I've tried to communicate my needs, wants, desires, frustrations, but I guess I'm not very effective. So I called my mom this morning. Actually, she called me, and I called her back. We chatted for a while about upcoming nuptials in the family and what not. And then I poured out my heart to her about my discontent. And my wonderfully wise mother said all the right things, and then said something that surprised me.

"Have you gotten your hormone levels checked lately?"

That sentence floored me. She then went on to tell me that she was about my age when her hormones went a little crazy. And given my history of hormone imbalance (read, infertility---) it would be a good idea to get those checked, to see if they are having any effect on the way that I am perceiving things.

So I did some research after we got off the phone. And yeah, I probably do have low progesterone (it's what my prob was with getting preggers--- at least, part of it). Which could account for some of my craziness.

Why does this make me cry? Why does it have me on the floor in the fetal position?

When am I going to be whole? When am I going to NOT have something wrong with me? When is it NOT going to be my fault that I suck at life?

It's bad enough that I view my depression and anxiety issues as a weakness (just for myself--- if anyone else has these issues, I'd be the first to sympathise and recommend that they get help!). It's bad enough that I can't control my emotions as much as I'd like to. Now to find that I have yet one more thing that makes me (in my eyes) less capable--- well, it sucks. I just want to be good enough just as I am. I just want my body to be healthy, my mind, my spirit. And no matter what I do, it's never enough. There always seems to be just one more thing wrong.

And so I've had to feel sorry for myself for not being the person that I want to be. That means that I had to crawl into bed and spontaneously start crying. And then I had to stop feeling sorry for myself. I had to start laundry. Mop the floors. Start the dishwasher. Sort more laundry. Which then had me spontaneously start crying again, curled up on the mound of towels. What better place to cry and blow my snot? :)

I'm done feeling sorry. I'm done being in the fetal position. I'm gonna pick myself back up. I'm gonna call my dr. sometime next week to get my hormone levels checked. I'm gonna continue to work on my physical health. I'll continue to work on being the best that I can be. No more of this fetal position crap.


sarah cool said...

baby girl, there is NOTHING wrong with you. you are created to be just the way you are. your heart, and your hormones, and your occasional "nuttiness" is so precious to God's heart.

You might not see it or believe it (or, feel like seeing it!), but you are ALREADY whole. You're whole-ly Jenette. That doesn't mean things can't improve about you, but it means that who you are is innately whole, thanks to God.

I love you, and am praying for you.

Mel said...

Love ya lady. The whole you!