Homesick

I sang a solo in church this past Sunday. Tomorrow marks one year since my grandfather died. This song helped me to get through the worst of my grief earlier last year. I so wanted to sing it, to honor him, and to minister to those in our congregation who long to be with those they love, who have already gone on. I made it all the way to the last line without crying.

(This is us when Ethan was just born, a 5 generation picture)

Homesick, by Mercy Me

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

You know, I came to terms with my grandpa's death a while ago. In some ways, it was a merciful thing that we had two months to say goodbye to him. And in some ways, his being in so much pain made it so much easier to let him go. No one wanted to hold on to him when he hurt so much.

But there is one thing I'm having problems with lately. Grandpa died early Monday morning, in the wee wee wee hours. Mom had called me that previous Thursday and asked me to come down. I discussed things with Aaron, and on Friday, I told her I couldn't. I was exhausted, I had just been down the weekend before. Ethan was missing me, and so was Aaron. And Grandpa died that weekend. I can't seem to get past the guilt of not being there. Logically, I know that my presence wouldn't have changed things one iota. Yet, emotionally, I wish I had listened to my heart and gone to be there. Is this normal? Why do I feel this way, a year later? I just want to get through the next few days without crying. Thanks for being my therapy, dear readers.