Wednesday, February 01, 2006

thank you thank you

I'll admit to being under the influence right now. And if anyone blames me, well, I'm sorry. I've had a margarita. Tomorrow I meet the doctor who will stop my baby's life, at my choosing.

We meet with the doctor tomorrow who will perform our procedure. And that's so hard. But I want to shift the focus for a minute.

Can I just say how loved I feel at this moment? I read so many of the blogs of the users who have commented recently. I don't often comment, but I feel so much like i know your lives. I may not know very many of you in person, but I know your print. I know many of you through stories of your children, your husbands, and just the things that happen in your lives. And you have no idea how much it encourages me, how much it lifts me up to know that people are thinking of us and sending us thoughts and prayers through this time.

This is indeed the hardest thing we've EVER faced. I thought infertility and the treatments that came along with that were hard. But oh how much harder it is to lose a child that you want, that you already love. And how hard it is to make the choice to terminate that life for your own health. What mother doesn't say, "I'd die for my child," and then when faced with that possibility, chooses to terminate. While I know logically that that isn't the case here, it's still something that runs through my head. I would willingly die for the Hethan, our healthy 3 year old who is such an amazing child. I'd lay down my life and die for this child inside of me, if I knew that there was even a half a percent of chance that this child would live. But he/she won't. He/she can't. And so I can't risk my life, not when my healthy live child needs me still.

But anyhow. You all have made me realize how small the world is, but how big the love is. I can't even begin to express how much that makes this time a little easier to bear. It's not easy by any means. But knowing that we are not the first to go through this, knowing that others understand our situation, well, that makes it "easier," so, thanks. I can never express how much it means to me. So many people say that they don't know what to say, and that words are inadequate. That's how I feel about the outpouring of love we've experienced. I can't tell you how much it means, how much it lifts, how much it is needed. So I'll just say thank you, and hope that you all understand that it is from the very very very depths of my heart.

45 comments:

mama_tulip said...

Hi there...I came by way of June Cleaver's site. Just want you to know you and your husband are in my thoughts. Big, big cyber hugs going out to you.

nina said...

I don't know you, but I came through Friday Playdate. I just wanted to let you know that you're in my prayers.

daysgoby said...

Your family is in our prayers. I'm so very sorry.

MetroDad said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. My warmest thoughts and prayers go out to you. May your friends, family and faith get you through this difficult time.

ieatcrayonz said...

Jenette, I pray that you will find strength - for you are making the ultimate sacrifice. Love is an amazing thing: from the love you feel for your unborn child to the love people you've never met pouring out to you. It's very real, a love that will never die. We'll carry a piece of you in our hearts forever.

Susie said...

I've been so touched by you and your story. Please know my family is praying for yours. Much love.

Susan said...

Jenette, that was so beautiful. I hope you will find peace in all this.

You will be in my thoughts tomorrow.

Kristen said...

Jenette, I also came by from Friday Playdate. I'm so sorry for your loss, I cannot imagine what you must be going through right now. I'm amazed and inspired that you can take the time to focus on the love and support at a time like this. I wish you and your family peace and comfort through this trauma and always.

Always Ashley said...

Love you bunches Jenette-
I'll be thinking about you guys and praying for you. If you need another margarita, I make a mean one. Tons and tons of hugs for you.

M&Co. said...

You will be in my thoughts.

Shan said...

Still in my prayers. I felt compelled to share this.

Steven Curtis Chapman - Higher Ways

If I could only fly
I'd go up and look down from the sky
So I could see the bigger picture
And Lord if I could sit with You
At Your feet for an hour or two
I'm sure I'd ask too many questions
'Cause there's so much going on down here
That I must confess I just don't understand

BRIDGE
But I have prayed
And at your feet my whole life has been laid
So I wont worry I wont be afraid
'Cause my soul is resting on Your higher ways
Let the road ahead become unclear
I am Yours so what have I to fear
If my soul is resting on Your higher ways

CHORUS
Your higher ways teach me to trust You
Your higher ways are not like mine
Your higher ways are the ways of the Father
Hiding His children in His love

BRIDGE
So let it rain
And if my eyes grow dim with tears of pain
This hope I have will not be washed away
'Cause my soul is resting on Your higher ways

Maybe then You will take me aside
And show me the bigger picture
But until I'm with You
I'll be here with a heart that is true
And a soul that's resting on
Your higher ways

MamaChristy said...

May you find the strength you need.

kyra said...

i came through friday playdate and i am so very sorry that you are going through this devastatingly sad experience. i am sending love and prayers and all my best thoughts.

The June Cleaver Diaries said...

We'll be thinking about you, especially tomorrow. If you're not up to it, is there anyone who could let us know that you made it through okay?

You're doing such a loving thing for your family, including the baby inside of you.

Don't think of it as ending his/her life, but ending suffering instead. May all of you have some peace tomorrow.

Nothing But Bonfires said...

Also came from Friday Playdate, and I'm weeping. Thinking of you and sending so many good thoughts that you'll surely feel them. You're so incredibly brave.

Molly said...

I came from Friday Playdate too. My thoughts are with you as you go through this tough time.

Anonymous said...

I send you all of my love and support for you today, and for the upcoming days, as you do the hardest thing yet in your life, but I have full faith in you and your strength, and that strength is backed by those of us that love you and are with you in our minds, or spirit, or in person.

Candace said...

I hope you can find the strength to face this, knowing that you're making this decision not only to save your baby from more pain, but to save yourself for Ethan.

I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Ditsy Chick said...

I stopped by from June's site. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I will be thinking of you and your family.

Len H. said...

Chad B. shared your family's story with our Bible study recently and we have been praying for you all. I know that we can't fathom what you are going through but trust that many people that you don't even know are praying for you and your family.

I pray that good would come from this somehow even though it may seem impossible, that God would work in your life fervently, and that He would draw near to you and comfort you with a peace that passes all understanding, that He would have mercy and give you strength, and that your friends would support you overwhelmingly and fill your lives with compasion and love, that your family would rally around you and that your faith would grow and doubt and resentment would not hurt your soul, and that you all take refuge in the Lord.

I am very sorry.

"In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge; ...

Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness;
turn your ear to me and save me.

Be my rock of refuge,
to which I can always go;
give the command to save me,
for you are my rock and my fortress. " Psalm 71:1-3

nina h said...

I have learned that trusting that "God wants what is best for you" (Jeremiah 29:11) is not always easy in circumstances like this. Make the decision to believe Him when you have doubts, and He will reward you with peace. It works! We don't always understand His ways, but they are perfect and one day we will see that they are good.

The H. HomeGroup will be praying for you. LOVE IN CHRIST

Cmommy said...

Jenette, my first daughter had Potter's
Syndrome. My heart goes out to you and your family. If you need to "talk", I'll listen---singalullaby@yahoo.com

prayers, C

ECole said...

Jenette, Please know that you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers today. I will also put you on several other prayer partners list. Take care and God Bless.

Ed

standing still for once said...

I came to you through Friday Playdate. Your loss is our loss because you've shared it. Thank you for being brave enough to put it into words. If there is anything our community of electrons and Mommies can do, we are here.

Felicity said...

I stopped by yesterday and just, you know, thanks aren't necessary. We're all here and sending your prayers/love/good vibes, and thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

I'm so very very sorry.

diane (MN) by way of "standing still" said...

I am so sorry that you must endure this. I feel compelled to share this thought:
God, I believe, does not give you difficult - no, impossible - things because you are strong enough to handle it. As far as I can tell, God mourns for you the loss of your child and holds your hand as you must parent your children through a tragic time - choosing to save your child from certain pain and suffering and choosing to be the mother that Ethan needs rather than lay down your own life.
Please know that many are thinking of you and your family. Your baby will not be forgotten.

sozzled said...

I am so very very sorry.

amy said...

I am so very sorry. Your family will be in our thoughts and prayers.

mommyguilt said...

Jenette -

I came by way of "Standing Still...". Please know that we are all here sending love and prayers your way. I cannot fathom the many questions, worries, thoughts, prayers that have run through your mind. But, as with almost everyone else who has commented, I, also feel compelled to tell you the same: Put your worries in God, and trust that He will do what is right - and that he will help you and your family to heal.

We are ALL praying for you, the baby, your husband, and your son. Let us know if you need any extra support, pick me ups, a shoulder to cry on - anything at all...we're all here.

Christina

wordgirl said...

Came here by June Cleaver's site. I don't know you, but I am devastated for you. Woe to anyone who might callously suggest to you that this was an easy decision to make. Your agony is evident and I wish like anything that this was not happening to you. My thoughts are with you.

Teresa - UK said...

You don't know me and this is the first time I've visited your site. My thoughts and prayers go out to you at this difficult time.

Jessica said...

Hi Jenette. You don’t know me, but I just started reading your blog. I can’t remember whose blog led me here, but it was one of the people out there who only wants the best for you and your family. I think there are more of those people than you know.

I wanted to thank you for writing about what you’re going through right now. I cannot imagine being in your position.

You say it encourages you to know that people out there in the world are thinking of you at this time. I wanted to let you know, in turn, how much it encourages me to see someone deal so honestly with such a painful situation, to talk about it in public, and (most important, priceless) to still see that there is love and warmth in the world. It’s awesome, in the literal sense of that word. It amazes me and it lifts me up. Maybe this is silly or simplistic, but I feel like if you can deal with this, then I can handle my own terrible things.

I think that your honesty and your story have given people hope all over the world today. You and your family are in my thoughts. Please take care.

Homestead said...

You are doing the right thing and you are handling this with such strength and grace... even if you don't think so, I know so... I can see it in what you write. Take care of yourself and continue to be open and willing to let other people try to take care of you.

J said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish there were some way to make this easier for you, to make it not have happened, to make it somehow better. I hope you can quickly find peace after this horrible loss.

Best wishes to you and your family.

Dana said...

Words ARE inadequate. I can only extend you my warmest thoughts, prayers, and friendship. Please know that while is your life and you are the one enduring the sorrow, you are not alone. Not now, not ever. We are here, sharing your journey. And we'll always be here for you.

God Bless...

Kara said...

thank you for sharing your very private decision with all of us. i hope you find the strength and the peace you will need as you go through this experience.

sarah cool said...

I love reading all of this. Jenette, I love you, and I love these people who are taking the time to share some words of sympathy with you!!!!! God bless them.

Mary P. said...

Here from Friday Playdate and June Cleaver. Oh, how I ache for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Laura said...

Also here by way of Standing Still and Friday Playdate. Add me to the list of people who will be thinking of you tomorrow. There is nothing that I can say that hasn't already been said more eloquently by one of the wonderful people who have already commented. Thank you for sharing this with us, and I am truly sorry for your loss.

Kelli in the Mirror said...

Jenette,
I came from Friday Playdate also and I'm just so sad for you and your family. I had a miscarriage two weeks ago and somebody sent me the lyrics to this song. Don't know who wrote it, but I like it. I'll be thinking of you and your family.

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

Peach said...

Found out about your story from Misfit Hausfrau, please know our family will be praying for yours, too. I will pray God wraps His arms around you today.

Nicole said...

Just want to let you know that you have been in our thoughts and prayers continually.

Anonymous said...

This is the first time I've visited your site and the first time I've ever commented on the blogs that I visit. But I felt compelled to. I lost a baby at 20 weeks that had cystic hygroma. We received the diagnosis and had to make the decision to let the baby go full term (with 0 chance of survival) or terminate. Luckily, if that term can be applied to this situation, the babies heart stopped beating on its own. It put all of my everyday whining and worries in perspective. Who cares if your water bill is late, if you've put on a few pounds or if you like your job......Nothing else seems to matter..... You will get though this. And while time won't make you forget, it will make your memories less painful.

MIM said...

Hi. I'm here via Misfit Hausfrau.

I so admire your courage and strength. My thoughts are with you and your family.