I'll admit to being under the influence right now. And if anyone blames me, well, I'm sorry. I've had a margarita. Tomorrow I meet the doctor who will stop my baby's life, at my choosing.
We meet with the doctor tomorrow who will perform our procedure. And that's so hard. But I want to shift the focus for a minute.
Can I just say how loved I feel at this moment? I read so many of the blogs of the users who have commented recently. I don't often comment, but I feel so much like i know your lives. I may not know very many of you in person, but I know your print. I know many of you through stories of your children, your husbands, and just the things that happen in your lives. And you have no idea how much it encourages me, how much it lifts me up to know that people are thinking of us and sending us thoughts and prayers through this time.
This is indeed the hardest thing we've EVER faced. I thought infertility and the treatments that came along with that were hard. But oh how much harder it is to lose a child that you want, that you already love. And how hard it is to make the choice to terminate that life for your own health. What mother doesn't say, "I'd die for my child," and then when faced with that possibility, chooses to terminate. While I know logically that that isn't the case here, it's still something that runs through my head. I would willingly die for the Hethan, our healthy 3 year old who is such an amazing child. I'd lay down my life and die for this child inside of me, if I knew that there was even a half a percent of chance that this child would live. But he/she won't. He/she can't. And so I can't risk my life, not when my healthy live child needs me still.
But anyhow. You all have made me realize how small the world is, but how big the love is. I can't even begin to express how much that makes this time a little easier to bear. It's not easy by any means. But knowing that we are not the first to go through this, knowing that others understand our situation, well, that makes it "easier," so, thanks. I can never express how much it means to me. So many people say that they don't know what to say, and that words are inadequate. That's how I feel about the outpouring of love we've experienced. I can't tell you how much it means, how much it lifts, how much it is needed. So I'll just say thank you, and hope that you all understand that it is from the very very very depths of my heart.