Don't you hate it when you're awake when you don't want to be?
Don't you hate dreams that wake you up?
Don't you hate thinking about the final decisions you've made and whether or not they're the right/best ones?
Don't you hate knowing that everything is going to be different, but not being sure of what kind of different yet?
Don't you hate letting go when it hurts so much?
Don't you love the stillness of 4 AM?
Don't you love dreams that make you smile?
Don't you love knowing that a decision has been made?
Don't you love living in the here and now?
Don't you love soaring high above everything when there is nothing left to hold you back?
There isn't much more to say without losing my cryptic-ness. :) But suffice it to say, earlier tonight I had a revelation. And I made a decision based on that revelation. And it's gonna be ok.
To my dear husband, who reads this faithfully,
I love you. I commit to you. Thank you for sitting with me as I sobbed the other day. Thank you for being so compassionate as I told you of the hard decision I had to make tonight. I know it wasn't easy. I know it will embarrass you, but as my Bible Study girls and I were talking about how a husband should love his wife, I kept thinking of how you do love me in those ways, how you have been the truest example of Christ's love to me. There will come times in the near and distant future when things will get hard for us again, I know. But I also know that I can trust that you will be there, that you will work things through with me. My greatest fear used to be that I would do something to make you stop loving me. And I know now that you might get angry with me, might be hurt by me, might want to strangle me sometimes, but you're not going to stop loving me. Thank you.
To everyone else,
Life takes turns that you don't expect sometimes. And sometimes during those turns, you make decisions that hurt those around you. And sometimes even though you know you're hurting others, or that there is the potential to hurt others in your actions, you continue in that course. But then something happens--- you get slapped upside the head, not once maybe, but two or three times, and you change your course. It's darned hard, because you were comfortable the other way. It even sucks boogers sometimes. But I hope that should that happen to you, that you have someone who loves you as my Aaron loves me. And if you don't think that you do have Someone who loves you, think again. Because no measure of earthly love can compare to the love of God. He's always there, initiating a love relationship, waiting for you to take Him up on it.
I think I'm going to go back to bed. I feel less shaky and nervous. Less like puking. More like sleeping. Goodnight/morning all.