Monday, July 17, 2006

Just want to read my own words

I have nothing to say, not really. I mean, it's been a busy few days--- kids over, fraternity officer's meeting, visiting in laws, Aaron's first MAJOR trial starting today, but nothing of great import or interest has happened. I just want to read my own writing. And I just want to get words out in the hopes that they will dispel the faint but persistent mists of depression that seem to hang around my head.

My kid spent the night with his grandparents last night. I spent most of the day over at their house-- Aaron was working on his trial all day yesterday and all evening, so I decided to stay out of his way. Concentration is easier without distractions. :) I got home around 10 pm. Cleaned up from the fraternity guys some, and hit the hay around 11:30. Woke up around 9:15 this morning. Ahhhh.... how nice.

Bleh. Bleh. Nothing to say. BLEH!!!!!

As I was driving home last night, sans child, the faint but persistent mist of depression began to gather. I recognized the change in the weather very well. The Son became blurry behind the hazy mist. I slid in my "The Man from Snowy River" CD, and lost myself in the rise and fall of the music. Tears began to fall from my eyes and my voice began to scream, to rail against the mists of depression. Something was happening in my spirit, with the Spirit. A struggle, a battle of wills, the knowledge of inevitable submission, the denial of that submission. For 45 straight minutes, I cried and yelled and beat the steering wheel. I would have punched something, but I was driving and am firmly against punching windshields while I drive. Go figure :)

Today the mist is still there. Yet the Son is clearer today than it was yesterday, and it won't be long before the weather is clear again and I can see even more than before.

Still pregnant. Not nearly as sick as I was with Henry. I guess this is a good thing, since I hate puking. :) Can't seem to get attached to this baby, this pregnancy, but I think we'll discuss that in counseling today :)

Off to get the day under way!


sarah cool said...

I will be your date for knitting. I have never read a pattern, but I can crack jokes while you attempt to do it!!!

Love you, Jenetter.

maria said...

we all love you :) hope you feel better

Shannon Wagers said...

I guess seeing me does not count.... :(

Chad Burdette said...

Sorry that the other guys were so messy, I can't take them anywhere.

Anyway just remember that you have people who are continuing to pray for you, Aaron, and Ethan.

you still need to post my art work from the weekend :-)

Anonymous said...

daughter, how far along are you? I think when you get past the point when you found out Henry would not make it, then this child will be able to become real. And you will most likely begin bonding with her. :) and of course, although you have been northeast, you have not been south in a good while. that in itself is enough to bring the mists down around... so. know that you are missed, you are loved, it is OK to grow attached again to the life inside you... and I have found that looking at the Son does not bring blindness, so look at Him. Cause all the time, God is good and know that God is good, all the time. I love you muchly! Mom

Misfit Hausfrau said...

Sounds like your Mom gave some good advice! BTW--let's get together next week so the kids can play. I will be gone for good August 3...