Tuesday, March 27, 2007


Do you ever have one of those days when you want to be SO MUCH MORE? I'm having one today.

Today, I want to be more articulate. Today, I want to be more focused. Today, I want to be more patient. Today, I want to be nicer to everyone. Today, I want to be smarter. Today, I want to be funnier. Today, I want to be skinnier. Today, I want to be MORE.

I am re-reading these words of mine, and I have to sigh. I know what the reaction will be to these words. "Jenette, you are enough!" I really am coming to accept that who and what I am is enough, I promise. My counselor and I have worked on that concept, believe me. I know that somewhere deep inside of me is that little girl who wants acceptance so much that she's willing to change who she is in order to gain said acceptance. I also know that little girl has a skewed perception of herself and of her world. So I try to acknowledge the little girl inside of me who wants to be loved and accepted so badly that she'll do anything, yet not give in to her. Because I don't want to change who and what I am.

Who am I? I am....
1. a child of God.
2. a beautiful woman.
3. a smart woman.
4. a funny woman.
5. a nice woman.
6. a good mother.
7. a good wife.
8. a good friend.
9. a good daughter.
10. a leader.
11. a creative woman.
12. a good singer.
13. an excellent storyteller.
14. a gifted teacher.
15. fun to be around.
16. compassionate.
17. a stay at home mom.
18. a cat fanatic.
19. a dreamer
20. but also an implementer.

I'm pretty darn special. I like who I am. I like who I'm becoming. So why do I feel like a teenager right now? :) I feel angst-y and restless, as if there's something waiting for me around the next corner. Hmmm, for all I know, that could be true. You never know what's round the bend, right? I'm anxious to see what the future holds, yet I want to stay in this moment forever.

******************* Change of subject *************************

There's a baby sleeping on my chest. The keyboard is propped up on my knees. I can smell her baby sweat and hear her precious baby breaths. So sweet. I wonder if God ever feels that way about us? We look at the world around us with wonder, we experience new things daily. We meet strangers, make friends, go to new places, we LIVE. And then we squall, we bawl, we whimper, we fuss. And then we fall asleep on our Father's chest, worn out from all that we've done, just needing to rest. And so we sleep on Him, and He cuddles us close, He kisses our forehead, counts our eyelashes, smells our sweat, breathes in our essence, as He sits in front of the computer, creating more for us.

"Hello?" comes the Hethan's voice, sounding anxious. He has gone upstairs and can't find anyone. Aaron answers him, "Hello?" in a mimicking voice. "Where's Mommy?" asks Hethan, giggling, but still apprehensive. Only when I answer him does he sound entirely relieved. Again, another parallel to God. How often do we call out, "Hello, is anyone there?" going from room to room, searching for the One who will answer. Other wonderful people will answer, they will reassure us. But only when we hear the voice of the Father, the one that we've wandered away from and are looking in all the wrong places for, are we entirely relieved and reassured.

Off to bathe the Hethan, the joy of my eyes.


Kris said...

that was a sweet post. :)

Anonymous said...

you are... a musician too! and a georgia girl! see ya when you get back!

Mel said...

You are...... a great lady! Never forget it!