So I thought I was going to write this really funny blog about Maggie and the Ferocious Beast--- she encountered a possum last night--- at 2:30 am. Or something about Starbuck and her craving for BUTTER. She eats it by the spoonful.
But instead, tonight, I found out that my grandmother is in acute kidney failure. I'm wrestling with the knowledge that she might not have long to live. She's on her way to At.Lan.Ta for dialysis tonight. My mom will call me in the morning. Mom authorized the dialysis so that Grandma can make her own decision--- whether or not to stay on dialysis or to call in hospice. We don't think she'll choose dialysis.
So my heart is breaking. And at the same time, I'm angry. I got off the phone with Jenni, my childhood and longest lifetime friend--- and she voiced what I was trying to wrap my brain around. My grandmother has made choices that have caused her body to fail quicker than it needed to. She's done a lot of this to herself. And I know it. So I'm angry about that. But at the same time, I can't face the thought of losing her. I love my grandma. I just always count on the fact that she'll be there when I need her. Or want her. Or whatever. Sigh.
I just hurt. And I don't want her to hurt. And I am tired.