Sunday, June 07, 2009

Giving it my all

So yeah. Giving it my all.... takes more than I've ever given.

I don't think I've ever given anyone my everything. I think I've tried. But I don't think I've ever succeeded. I think I've always held a part of me back, thinking that I needed to hold on to a little bit of me. That especially pertains to my relationship with God. Wow--- there's a complex issue.

I've always thought that I've given God all of me. But the more I explore my heart, the more I realize that there are bits that I've always held back from him. You might give me excuses and say, "Oh, well, you're human, we all hold on to something." Something along those lines to make me feel better. But those words don't make me feel better. I have been asked by the Father to give Him all of me. And for so long, I've chosen to give Him only the parts I felt I could give Him. Talk about arrogance. As if God didn't create my heart. As if God didn't create me. As if.....

I'm embarking on a new adventure. I'm going to try to take it day by day to trust God with all of me. I think that will mean making myself more vulnerable than I've ever been, and have mercy, that scares the tar out of me. I like being in control. I like having my order in my head, in my heart. I like the compartments in my heart that keep things under control. I think I've always been afraid that if I give all of me to God, he's gonna want to open all of my boxes and toss out some things and shake some things out.... oh my. Can I really handle that? Well, I guess that's part of my adventure, right? Let's see what happens.

A friend of mine did 40 days---- she embarked on her own God seeking adventure for 40 days. I attempted 21 and made it 5 days.... lol.... so I'm not going to put a time limit on the adventure. I think I'm going to see how long it goes--- hopefully a lifetime....

1 comment:

Shannon Wagers said...

I heard an awesome radio sermon on this subject during my Sunday morning doughnut run. The speaker talked about how the founder of Promisekeepers, Bill McCartney, went on a journey much like what you describe. McCartney made it a point everyday for one year to ask himself the question - "Is God first." "Letting go and Letting God," is scary indeed- but the exciting part is that God loves us so much that he tells us in Matthew 6(NIV)

25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[b]?

28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.